Washington to, uh, Washington: Drop Dead
The Department of Homeland Security slashed our terror-fighting grant money! Dammit, we never should've appointed Karen Finley deputy mayor for public safety!
Does this 40 percent reduction in urban security funds make us less safe? Do we have enough cash to continue our long struggle against pneumatic hammers and unattended shopping bags? Will we be able to finish our long-awaited "lasers that shoot out of Lincoln's eyes" project?
Let's look on the bright side: We are relieved that DHS is clearly so devoted to protecting the Midwest. That's where our nation's breweries are, after all. In fact, with Kentucky and Tennessee -- birthplaces of America's best Whiskeys -- also winning a couple million more bucks, we're beginning to think those DHS guys have their priorities lined up pretty well with ours. We wouldn't miss a monument or two -- but take away our bourbon and cheap beer, and you're taking away what really makes America so great.
NYC Finally Free of Danger [Gawker]