We Would Rather Have Snakes On A Plane Than Listen To This Guy Tell Us About Jesus


If you are a gay, you are probably pretty happy right now, what with the getting married and the turning Hillz into a lesbian, it has been all nice time for you all the time. Sorry to say that time is coming to an end, because this dude is going to sit next to you on a plane and hellsplain to you about repenting, or abortion, or stealing, or something:

I was flying from Los Angeles to Miami when I found myself sitting next to two women. Sarah was sitting closest to me. She was 29, inappropriately dressed, with a ring through her nose, and she wasn’t the friendliest person I have sat next to on a plane.

After we took off I couldn’t help but notice that her friend kept kissing her on the cheek, holding her hand and rubbing her shoulder. They were “gay,” and that little revelation lifted my planned witnessing encounter up a big notch on the awkward meter. I really didn’t want an angry homosexual couple complaining to the airline (and the media) that I was a homophobic fundamentalist, imposing my “hate speech” by saying that they were going to hell because they were gay.

I waited until she had eaten, finished her movie, and simply said, “Sarah. I have a question for you. Do you think there’s an afterlife?”

We are not sure about you people, but yr Wonkette wears headphones on the airplane precisely to avoid these sorts of people, but big gay Sarah and her big gay friend were not so smart! In case you were wondering, we do not know what "inappropriate" dress is to this person either. We guessed it meant "dressed like a man" but the Editrix insists it means "bare midriff." Either way, going to hell!

You know who else is going to hell and needs saving from this dude? All the abortionists who believe in God because everyone believes in God because God told this dude so:

Contrary to popular opinion, most who take the life of their child through abortion believe in God. Even the staunchest fundamentalist atheist believes in God. I know because I have an inside source. I have a “whistleblower” – “For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools” (Romans 1:20-22).

We have no idea what this means, probably because we are godless staunch fundamentalist atheists. Apparently "witnessing" does not just extend to the homosexicans or the abortioneers having their big old abortion party. You also have to pretend proselytize to people that are about to die horrible fiery deaths and tell them that god's plan for them is to die, pretty much:

To put the fear of God in someone means that you will have to stay with the biblical gospel. Do not use the “God has a wonderful plan” message, because it is both unbiblical and will do more damage than good. If you really believe that that message is biblical, think for a few moments about how the first eleven disciples were murdered for their faith...

Imagine you have been asked to preach the gospel to 1,000 people on the 100th floor of the World Trade Center the night before 9/11. You know that within 24 hours every person looking at you will die a death so horrific it defies human imagination. Many will be burned alive. Others will jump 100 stories to their deaths on the unforgiving sidewalks of New York. Others will fall with the building and be so crushed that their bodies will never be recovered. What are you going to tell them – that God has a wonderful plan for their lives? You can’t say that to people who are about to die!

Instead you would soberly tell them that it’s appointed to man once to die and after this, the judgment. You would tell them that God is holy, that He will judge them by His perfect law, that hell is very real and that they desperately need a Savior.

Fuck comfort! Loving Jesus means you send people to their deaths in terror for their mortal soul! That is pretty much the essence of Jesus we think? All we know is we cannot WAIT to fly while gay or have an abortion or fall to our deaths so that we can hear the Good News of how we will all burn in hell forever and ever amen.



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