Two local youths, seen here paralyzed with blind panic at being surrounded by fluffy white snow (The Washington Post)

Yay! Snow Day!

Drunk pages sledding down Capitol Hill! Tour guides throwing snowballs with rocks inside at fat Midwestern children! The Capitol Police shutting down every single government building to investigate 8 inches of mysterious white powder! School's canceled, we think! Even if it isn't, don't go! Gentrifiers cross-country skiing down U Street in thousand-dollar parkas! Whee!

Everyone loves a snow day! Except the Metro section at the Post, naturally, for whom snow is a terrifying glimpse of God's wrath, or something...

Like a cloak of insanity, the snow dropped.

Falling like one of those quiet obsessions you read about in short stories, setting the scene for heightened senses, muffling normal sounds. Falling like snow on a black-and-white TV. Like madness. Like when one of those Edgar Allan Poe characters falls into a spell so deep he can focus on only one thing, see only one thing, hear only one thing.
In the thesaurus, snow is listed on the page with the heading "Sniper-Soar." Under Snow, some of the words listed are refrigerator, drug, poison, words that some people mean when they say snow. Under snowflake is written: softness, powder, white thing. You stop at white thing. It sounds creepy.

Guys. The District got like 8 inches. Chill out. This is like a 1,200-word piece on how thunder is scary.

Threat Level White [WP]


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