WH Pool Report: Uhm, Yeah, You Have Fun with That Dave, Edition

This White House pool report is written entirely in AA BB CC rhymes. Guess someone got a little bored. We look forward to the next pooler's attempt to top this, which we're hoping will take the form of iambic pentameter. Or at least a limerick. Also: Nice reference to W. being "wet."

Pool Report #3

July 20, 2004

St. Louis to Andrews

There was no news aboard Air Force One,

After it left the tarmac at six-fourty-one.

No news, I say, save for the President's sweat,

Which soaked his shirt, hoo-boy was he wet.

No official, tall or small, came back to spin,

'Til McClellan drifted by with this little thing.

Turns out that when the 9/11 commissioners visit 1600 on the 'morrow,

They will meet no C-in-C, to their sorrow

"Just Judge Gonzales and Condi,'' said Scott,

Though the next day they return for the POTUS photo-op.

With that guidance we went into descent,

Our stories filed, our color sent.

The big plane landed at nine-twenty-two,

And disgorged its tired, cranky little crew

Yet as we wandered into that good night,

One hundred and four days remained to re-witness the fight.

David E. Sanger

NY Times

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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