Science Fiction! OK, Science-ish Fiction? Not-at-all-Science Fiction. YOU GUYS ARE BUSTING MY BALLS, JESUS! Well, Jesus, exactly, specifically that weird Jesus thing where they think they can make the hairdressers straight, because it worked for Marcus Bachmann, amiright? (Don't answer that question.) Trouble is, you just can't seem to find anyone who it has worked for, unless it's somebody who makes money off the whole scam, and even then they're lying and having SO MUCH COCK OMG, like hogging all the cocks for God. And Mary. Actually, especially for Mary.

But... what if Ex-Gay therapy actually worked? And I don't mean "Hey, that worked; the kid killed himself. NOT SO GAY ANYMORE." What if they could detect the gay right at birth and bend that twig into a straight... wand? Or apply it later in life? Would things be different? Oh, yes, they'd be different all right. Join me after the jump for some possible side-effects.

  • John Waters' comedy, Beige Hummingbirds, is appropriate for all ages, features two families who vie to see which one is more refined. In the end, everybody wins!
  • Alan Cumming announces new scent, "Alan".
  • Rupaul premiers new Rupaul's Suit and Tie Race reality competition show.
  • Dan Savage's column, Savage Abstinence, appears weekly on
  • Joe Jervis changes name of his blog to Joemygoodness.
  • Johnny Weir's totally mundane outfit passes without comment.
  • Hilarity ensues as Rachel Maddow's hair extensions get tangled in her microphone cord.
  • Derek Jarman directs record 500th episode of Eastenders.
  • Rick Santorum, suddenly without a purpose in life, last seen living in a homeless encampment under the Benjamin Franklin Bridge.
  • Clay Aiken tweets to followers: "Just kidding about the last five years LOL."
  • Tom Ford designs plaid flannel shirts for Target in total anonymity.
  • Ellen Degeneres appears on the cover of Time Magazine with the caption Nope! Not Anymore I'm Not!
  • Michael Sam enters adolescence with no nagging feeling that he has to somehow prove himself.
  • Packs of athletic youth rove America's grade schools, desperately searching somebody to bully.
  • Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham relaxes at home with the wife and kids.

Can you imagine? Maggie Gallagher would be SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME, ew. Or would she? What if all the gays disappeared completely? Would Maggie be sad? That's a topic for another column, I'm afraid.

Next Week: What if Thad Cochran grew wings and flew to Uranus?

Luv and kisses (no homo), Princess Sparkle Pony. Follow me on the Twitters!

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'Miga and Carlos' by Wonkette Operative 'Chica'

It's Father's Day, which means it's time for Yr Dok Zoom and his son to go to brunch and check out the downtown Boise Father's Day Car Show so we can ooh and ah over the very same Corvettes 'n' Mustangs 'n' lovingly-restored classic cars that are there every year, and I will probably once again point at the '68 Beetle converted to run on electricity and say, "Oh look, a Voltswagen!" Traditions matter. (Kid Zoom is 22, so I may also/instead meet him for cocktails later like grown up human people.)

Don't worry about any deep thoughts on the Meaning of Fatherhood here -- we're just going to enjoy the goofy side of dadding, which as far as I'm concerned is the best thing I've done with my time. Especially since my role model for parenting was the unnamed Dad from "Calvin and Hobbes."

As any fool knows, ice rises to the top of liquids because it's cold, and just wants to be closer to the sun so it can warm up. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

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