What If I Ran Out Of Ideas For 'What If' Columns?


Oh, jeez, it's not like I didn't know this was going to happen! I assumed it would be later rather than sooner, however, so this is where you all come in! Calling all Wonketeers! Your Pink Pony is in trouble ("Lassie, what'll we do?")! I know you all are a bunch of smartypants, so, like, "What if you came up with ideas for me and then I stole them and we all lived happily every after?" Everybody wins! So please, Pony Pals, leave your "What if" ideas in the comment section, and I'll give you credit when/if I use them. You can up-vote your faves! Oh, and I know how you bitches love to spoil things, so I promise I won't look at any comment replies.

It's not like I haven't come up with a few ideas – heaven forbid! It's just that some of those ideas are only good for one or two gags, while other ones are too labor-intensive. Some ideas are, of course, just totally weird and/or stupid, even by my low standards (don't let that stop you from suggesting weird/stupid ideas)! Click "read more" to see some of these wisely aborted ideas, and lend a Pony a hand!

  • What if the Duck Dynasty guys were all secretly, incestuously gay-married to each other? "Tears, slap fights erupt between Si and Willie over that last sweet drop of Honest Amish Beard Balm."
  • What if Michele Bachmann attended the Mad Hatter's Tea Party? Surely somebody else has already done this.
  • What if we "took back" the word thug and made it nice? This one made me laugh, and then I couldn't come up with a single example. FROWNY FACE.
  • What if John McCain really were too liberal? "What's the meaning of THIS?" Cindy asked sharply, displaying the the Birkenstocks hidden way in the back of the closet."
  • What if House Republicans went back in time and posed for famous masterpieces? Too Fark, really. Also, too much work for a pretty unoriginal idea.
  • What if Mike Huckabee suddenly had a vagina? "Something is up with him," the intern muttered. "Everywhere he goes, he takes that hand mirror." I already burned this one off on my blog.
  • What if other religions got into the whole "competing courthouse monuments" craze? "This is a very unusual sculptural group," the reporter commented to David Miscavige. "Yes," he replied, "we really think this tells you what Scientology is all about." "Does it have a title?" the reporter asks. "Yes, it's called John Travolta Saves Another Car Crash Victim."
  • What if the US Capitol really did get moved to Nebraska? Anybody know any Nebraska jokes? *crickets*
  • What if straight marriage got outlawed in Utah? Hilarious because MORMONS.
  • What if Louie Gohmert... I don't know... grew four extra legs? Started wearing wigs? Was revealed to be Marie Osmond in disguise? Gohmert is so inherently funny already that the imagination pales in comparison.

So clearly you can see I'm in trouble, here. Won't you help?

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony

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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

Everywhere Else News

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!


When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!


[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

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