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Satire is hard! Satire is particularly hard if you're unconscious! So, I had this great idea for a "What If?" column: make fun of that hot new Republican thing where they post pictures of cats holding signs with conservative platitudes on the Twitters and the Facebooks. You know, like Michelle Obama holding that "Bring Back Our Girls" sign? "What if," I wondered, "Republicans were better at using cat memes?" Because that shit is soooo stupid, right? And so off I went, merrily making "hilarious" GOP cat meme pictures and thinking how clever and smart I was. And then I started type, type, typing here at Yr Wonkette, breaking only to pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on SUCH a great idea. And then it was time to add links and... well, that's when everything went south. Join me after the jump to feel really embarrassed for me.

So I hit the Google, and typed in "Republican cats holding signs" and... nothing. "Conservative cats with signs" also revealed... nothing. Where did I see that again? WHERE IS THAT? I searched the Huffington Thing. Nothing. I even searched Mediaite, I was so desperate. Um, Buzzfeed? Nada! Finally, perplexed and irritated, I emailed The Editrix: "Help!" I wrote. "Wasn't there just a thing with Republicans doing pictures of their cats holding signs, like Michelle Obama did with the "bring back our girls" thing? Why can't I find that anywhere now that I'm making fun of it?" I can only imagine poor Editrix reading this desperate plea and thinking, "Princess Sparkle Pony has finally, completely lost it. Now we have closure." And then she wrote me back and gently said, basically, no, that is not a thing.

That's when I realized something: I must have dreamed the whole thing! In fact, now that I think about it, I can even remember dreaming it! I'M HAVING DREAMS ABOUT BAD TWEETS. And somehow that nightmare became totally real in my head. So obviously I missed my calling as a conservative blogger, right? So anyway, the moral of this story is here are a bunch of fake conservative cat memes that I made for no good reason whatsoever. Um... enjoy?

Next time, I promise I'll come up with even stupider ideas for columns... while I'm awake!

UPDATE: OK, evidently I wasn't totally dreaming?

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony. If you're not asleep, follow me on Twitter!

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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