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What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?

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JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you in the Washington Post with the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN. Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN, from young to old. Taste, see, smell, and "desire to reassert America's place in the world" with a JENNIFER RUBIN. Experience every emotion known to JENNIFER RUBIN. And if you already have a JENNIFER RUBIN, remember what the Washington Post says: "Two JENNIFER RUBINS are better than one!"

Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN. Every minute is different from the next minute in the incredible thought-chaos of JENNIFER RUBIN. And every single JENNIFER RUBIN is different!

JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny. Listen to JENNIFER RUBIN talk about "Freedom," "Death," "Beauty," and "God-Father." Make JENNIFER RUBIN fall in "Love" with you. Any JENNIFER RUBIN can be made to "Defend Israel" if training manual instructions are carefully observed. Watch the worn-out JENNIFER RUBIN die, talking, talking, talking about foreign policy until the moment it decays. Indeed, it is not an exaggeration to say JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny.

Taste, see, smell, and "pain" with JENNIFER RUBIN. Every JENNIFER RUBIN purchaser receives absolutely free a "Life-time" supply of "Food." Put "Food" in JENNIFER RUBIN's *Mouth*, then insert consensual Apparat into *Left Collarbone*. You will taste every molecule of the *Mouth's* "Food." Only those who have "eaten" with a *Mouth* can understand the incredible sensations of "Food."

*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for *Right Eye* and *Left Eye*. See the strange little world of the *Right Eye*, looking at *Rand Paul*! See through the *Left Eye* too! Then see through both the *Right Eye* and the *Left Eye* together. Every Washington Post JENNIFER RUBIN has *two* eyes. Don't accept less!

*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for *Nose*. Now, with the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN you can experience the disconcerting primeval world of "Iran," as the center of JENNIFER RUBIN's Iran-tropic response is removed from obsolete and unsightly sacral area and redirected to the graceful *Nose*. Just one more reason why two JENNIFER RUBINS are better than one!

*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for "isolationism"-sensitive *Chin*. Throughout the Middle East and in Washington, DC there are creatures, often the most insignificant, that can experience the famous "Negative Pleasure," and now with JENNIFER RUBIN you can too! The new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN is thirty percent more sensitive to "anti-Semitism," thanks to refinements in the *Chin*.

*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source and control center for *John Bolton*. Nothing is easier than to take over JENNIFER RUBIN's talking- function. Amuse your friends by talking through JENNIFER RUBIN! What could be funnier than to talk to another JENNIFER RUBIN that thinks *you* are just JENNIFER RUBIN too?

Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN, from young to old. Even more fun than talking-function of JENNIFER RUBIN is thought-function. Insert "dislike for Barack Obama" into *Right Collarbone*, and experience every emotion known to JENNIFER RUBIN. *You* will feel JENNIFER RUBIN's amazing "Dislike." *You* will be paralyzed with JENNIFER RUBIN's consuming "Fear" of pain and of her own inescapable death. *You* will hate your own self -- perhaps the most exciting sensation of all!

JENNIFER RUBIN is educational. Everyone should have his own JENNIFER RUBIN to grow up with. JENNIFER RUBIN provides an easy and stimulating introduction to basic concepts of xeno-language and xeno-culture. Each JENNIFER RUBIN is given a thorough grounding in the astonishing cultural traditions of its native think-tank. A third of a lifetime is devoted to the education of every Washington Post JENNIFER RUBIN.

JENNIFER RUBIN is perfectly safe for the young. The sharp, skeletal teeth are extracted from each JENNIFER RUBIN's *Mouth* at the time of assembly and refitted with harmless, hydraulic pseudo-teeth.

Many Sunday news shows consider JENNIFER RUBIN to be an attractive addition to the decor of one's environment, especially in arrangements with contrasting green-screen backdrops and the sound effects of exploding bombs. For the fashion-conscious, JENNIFER RUBIN is available now in a range of natural tints from brown through pink. When treated with new, special-formula Fungi-X, JENNIFER RUBIN can also be cultivated in more agreeable colors, though fungifying processes will abbreviate markedly the lifetime of the JENNIFER RUBIN so treated.

Everyone should have his own JENNIFER RUBIN, and now everyone can! Thanks to the diminished *Chest* volume of the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN, the result of recent advances in biominiaturization, JENNIFER RUBIN is cheaper than ever before. She eats less and takes up less space too! So why don't you buy your new JENNIFER RUBIN today?

Any JENNIFER RUBIN you buy from the Washington Post is guaranteed to be the native handicraft of its home think-tank, where bioengineering has long been practiced by the wild, four-limbed neocons and manufacturers of the JENNIFER RUBINS.

There are a thousand laughs in store for you in the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN. Why don't you buy your new JENNIFER RUBIN today? Why don't you buy your new JENNIFER RUBIN today? Why don't you buy your new JENNIFER RUBIN today?

Only $49.95 from the Washington Post.

Adapted from "Fun with Your New Head" by Thomas M. Disch, 1968.

Esoteric cuddles 'n' hugs, Princess Sparkle Pony.

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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

Everywhere Else News

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!

BREAKING NEWS: MAN CALLS ELON MUSK AN ASSHOLE!

When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK STILL A BIG ASSHOLE.

[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

Wonkette is ad-free and reader supported, and thinks Elon Musk should STFU.

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