What If Michelle Obama Grew Fifty Feet Overnight?
Ha ha, no, I don't mean "What if Michelle Obama Sprouted 25 New Pairs of Feet, With 250 New Toes and Everything." Are you listening to yourself? That would be ridiculous. I'm talking about something more prosaic, like all of a sudden everyone wakes up and it turns out that the First Lady is, like, 55 feet tall and, what, eleven inches? Wouldn't that be something? What adventures she would have! "Honey, let me take care of that congressional impasse for you." SQUISH. "Ohhhh, sorry, I didn't see Mike Lee there." How would you react? Would you be masturbating furiously along with the folks at amaz0ns.com (NSFW, probably. I didn't linger very long), or would you have more practical concerns, such as the unavailability of totally cute Junya Watanabe cardigans in XXXXXXXXL? Some people would HATE it, because I don't know if you've ever noticed, but some people have strong feelings about Michelle! Obviously, reactions would be all over the map. Click "read more" to see what that first day in the media would be like in the shadow of Big Michelle!
- 7:15 AM: On Fox and Friends, Brian Kilmeade makes disparaging remark about Michelle Obama's ass.
- 11:04 AM: Rush Limbaugh makes disparaging remark about Michelle Obama's thighs.
- 1:20 PM: Erick Erickson writes disparaging remark about Michelle Obama's inability to perform her household duties.
- 3:40 PM: Buzzfeed posts "30 Echidnas Who Just Can't Deal With Michelle Obama Right Now." Flame war breaks out in comment section over preferred plural form of "Echidna."
- 4:10 PM: Jennifer Rubin, in the Washington Post, characterizes the First Lady's sudden growth spurt as "just the latest distraction from Benghazi and Barack Obama's other dismal failures in foreign policy."
- 7:45 PM: Carson Kressley, on Entertainment Tonight, raves about Michelle's fashion sense. "Next week," he enthuses, EVERYBODY will be wearing roped-together parachutes."
- 8:50 PM: Michelle Malkin tweets disparaging remark about Michelle Obama's "cankles."
- 9:15 PM: Her eyelids flutter and open. She is awake! The ghastly, shriveled figure, hair tightly bound in a pony tail, rises from her mouldering coffin and flies off to terrorize suburban Cincinnati.*
- 3:00 AM: On Red Eye, Greg Gutfeld and Gavin McInnes make disparaging remarks about Michelle Obama's vagina.
*Whoops! Sorry about that! That item was left over from "What if Former Congresswoman Jean Schmidt Became a Vampire".
So I guess what we've learned in this exercise in speculative fiction is that... well, that media coverage of a 55' 11" Michelle Obama wouldn't be much different from any other day. How do you think other people would react?
Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony.