What If The National Review Had Co-Written All Of Maya Angelou's Material?


It's hard to imagine a more moving outpouring of love and respect than that received by Maya Angelou this week. I suppose I can conceptualize the existence of somebody who simply hasn't heard of her, but can you fathom the idea of somebody knowing her work, and just hating her? Of course not; don't be absurd. Why, even the National Review loved Maya, and trust them to make the most fitting eulogy they could muster: PISTOL PACKIN' MAMA! ARMED AND POETIC!

But what if Maya Angelou had been even more amenable to the National Review's philosophies? Join me after the jump to see how it could have informed her writing.

  • "I am a Woman / Phenomenally. / Phenomenal Woman. / Like Phyllis Schlafly."
  • "I believe that each of us comes from the creator trailing wisps of glory. And exhaust fumes from our monster trucks, YEEE HAWWWWW!!!"
  • "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them, and that's why I refuse to appear on MSNBC."
  • "The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my Glock."
  • "Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. No homo."
  • "Nothing can dim the light which shines from within, other than unions and Socialism."
  • "Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope, just as long as it's ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN."
  • "We may encounter defeats but we must not be defeated. Ted Cruz 2016!"
  • "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, lock 'n' load!"
  • "Nothing will work unless you do, lazy welfare queens."
  • "One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Now let's go bag some caribou."

So, yeah, she'd know why the caged bird sings: because the liberals took away its ammo. Tsk!

But for reals, Maya, you'll be missed. Straight to Valhalla!

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony. Oh, look! I'm on the Twitters now, too!

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Robbin Young. Fair use so we can all see the boob picture she sent to her 12 true loves.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

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[Washington Post]

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