What If The National Review Had Co-Written All Of Maya Angelou's Material?


It's hard to imagine a more moving outpouring of love and respect than that received by Maya Angelou this week. I suppose I can conceptualize the existence of somebody who simply hasn't heard of her, but can you fathom the idea of somebody knowing her work, and just hating her? Of course not; don't be absurd. Why, even the National Review loved Maya, and trust them to make the most fitting eulogy they could muster: PISTOL PACKIN' MAMA! ARMED AND POETIC!

But what if Maya Angelou had been even more amenable to the National Review's philosophies? Join me after the jump to see how it could have informed her writing.

  • "I am a Woman / Phenomenally. / Phenomenal Woman. / Like Phyllis Schlafly."
  • "I believe that each of us comes from the creator trailing wisps of glory. And exhaust fumes from our monster trucks, YEEE HAWWWWW!!!"
  • "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them, and that's why I refuse to appear on MSNBC."
  • "The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my Glock."
  • "Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. No homo."
  • "Nothing can dim the light which shines from within, other than unions and Socialism."
  • "Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope, just as long as it's ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN."
  • "We may encounter defeats but we must not be defeated. Ted Cruz 2016!"
  • "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, lock 'n' load!"
  • "Nothing will work unless you do, lazy welfare queens."
  • "One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Now let's go bag some caribou."

So, yeah, she'd know why the caged bird sings: because the liberals took away its ammo. Tsk!

But for reals, Maya, you'll be missed. Straight to Valhalla!

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony. Oh, look! I'm on the Twitters now, too!


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