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What Makes Bobby Run? (Part 2)

We asked, why in the fuck would Bob Novak do something so batshit and disproportionate as he did last afternoon? We continue to hear answers.


Possible explanation: Perhaps he "wants to get out of his contract now that all CNN's expressly political programming is gone?" (TVNewser emailer)

Our take: Elaborate and pointless! Yet working...

Possible explanation: "A team of LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD/FRENCH FILMMAKERS AND GEEKY LEFTIST TECHNICIANS have been working for 2 years on a CGI version of the HONORABLE ROBERT NOVAK. Not Bob (as the crew calls him) was unveiled today. The episode was directed by JEAN LUC GODARD (which breaks my heart)and conceived by KNOWN PRANKSTER ASHTON KUTCHER. Carville, of course, was played by actor James Carville. The host was some LIB TOOL. Oliver Stone and the TRAITOR FROM THE DIXIE TRICKS did the CGI animation. CRACK-POT JANEANE GARAFALO created the voice of Robert Novak using a FANCY LIBERAL COMPUTER PROGRAM." ("Jeff Gannon")

Our take: As plausible as "wanted to get out of answering questions about the CIA leak investigation."

Further thoughts all from Wonkette readers after the jump.

Possible explanation: "My theory is that Novak had been drinking...Lord knows he's been stressed lately! Slurred speech, inability to articulate his thoughts, maintain focal attention... It's all there in the video." (M.P.)

Our take: Well, no one can be all bad. (Though we had thought Novak was an exception proves rule kinda type.)

Possible explanation: "In a q. and a. at the end [of this C-SPAN program], Novak was asked to comment on his recent column on the Plame outing. He said something about having chosen his words very carefully, and that he didn't want to talk about it because he has (this is a rough quote - I couldn't find a transcript) "a lot better control over what comes out of my computer than what comes out of my mouth" He said this in the oddest way, and finished with a very wry smile.

Could it be that his comment on CNN was planned? Watching his confusion in the moments afterward, it's hard to imagine that was the case. Maybe... I don't know... there's no such thing as free will?" (David)

Our take: We're with St. Augustine on this one: Free will is the origin of evil. It follows since Bob Novak is evil, he has free will. Really poorly controlled free will.

Possible explanation: Lots of you went with some version of "he had to take a dump."

Our take: He goes in his pants like every one else on television.

Possible explanation: "Why should the on air doings be the presumed source of the dark lawd's hissy fit? Perhaps Carville was at him prior to air, as that comment about backbone seemed a continuation of a prior discussion rather than a reply specific to the question of Harris' makeup." (E.S.)

Our take: Impossible. Novak is only unfrozen five minutes prior to air.

Possible explanation: "I was getting away from a large pile of manure on the floor."

Our take: Literal! We like.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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