What Would Jeb Do?

Tuesday would have marked his sixth State of the Union address -- and it might have been his best yet.

The nation is in great shape, President Jeb Bush would have reported: record tax cuts propelling the economy to greater heights; a revolutionary school-vouchers program for the first time granting low-income parents real education choices; and, five years after the capture of Osama bin Laden, the final 20,000 U.S. troops returning home from Iraq.

The president would break into his fluent Spanish and wave at his Mexican-born wife, Columba, gazing at him from the balcony. The cameras would settle on their eldest, George P. Bush, 30, and commentators would speculate on whether the dashing lawyer would soon run for Congress and carry on the Bush dynasty.

As a grateful nation tuned in in greater numbers than next month's Super Bowl, President Jeb, flanked by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Oprah Winfrey, would mention with pride the attendence in that august chamber of Presidents Ford and Reagan, both of whom had cheated death and recovered 100% thanks to Jeb's forward-thinking health care policies. As a thousand Afghani orphans stood to cheer their hero for replacing their lost limbs with robotic prosthetics, the heroes of 9/11, those superpower-equipped firemen who saved the twin towers from collapsing and flew thousands to safety in Battery Park via their federal government-researched and -supplied rocket packs, would all brush away tears. Tears made of gold, which they harvest and use to repay our national debt.

The capitol's newly-installed retractable roof would slide back to reveal a beam of light, from which two angels would descend and present the humbly smiling president with a crown. Jeb would declare that God's kingdom had finally been made real on Earth, and then he'd high-five Vice President Christ.

Too bad that stupid loser George won Texas in '94.

What Would Jeb Do? [WP]


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