There are 1.3 million lawyers in America, but Michael Cohen may be the stupidest one of all. Forget about fingerprints -- this guy proudly taped his business card to every piece of campaign finance fuckery he could get his hands on. He's up to his neck in payoffs to pornstars, illicit agreements with the National Enquirer to bury Trump's alleged affairs, and maybe the Access Hollywood tape, too. On Monday (holy shit, just five days ago!), the FBI raided Cohen's office, home and hotel room, scooping up records of all his dirrrty secrets. This likely includes recordings he made of conversations with Trump and everyone else in the clown car, because of course he did.

Did Michael Cohen set out to violate campaign finance law, or was he too dumb to know he was even doing it? Who knows! But we've spent a year watching Robert Mueller's criminal investigation circling the White House like a menacing shark, while the Stormy Daniels civil suit bears down like a tornado. And now, Counselor Dunning-Kruger has managed to unite these threats in one, giant ...


Yeah, we went there! And we're not sorry, because the Russia investigation and the pornstar payoff have now met in the middle with what looks like a corker of a campaign finance scandal. We don't need a Russian pee tape! The only assist Donald Trump and his wandering dick need to bring down this presidency is from the country's most ridiculous, strip-mall lawyer. God Bless America!

First, let's take a step back. Yesterday, Michael Avenatti announced that Trump's fixer Michael Cohen intended to plead the Fifth in Stormy Daniels's defamation suit against him.

"Wow," we thought, "that's the first non-idiotic thing this mook has ever done!"

Here, enjoy a moment of coherence as Avenatti explains it to Anderson Cooper.

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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