Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady's Knob Best?
LINE UP, BOYS!
Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, she is the "it" topic in our political conversation right now! Is she a dumb hick lady who thinks her loving God will roast her in hell for all eterntity, on a pyre made of her own jumpers, for signing a gay marriage license? Yes! Is the Liberty Counsel using her as its pawn in a culture war it's already lost? Ayup! Did she do so much adultery before she gave her heart to Jesus, it'll make your head spin trying to figure out which husbands she was fuckin' at any given time in her life or who her baby daddy is? Bingo! Despite all this, is she a great American religious freedom fighter hero? Some Republican presidential candidates sure think so!
Nobody licks a knob like Mike Huckabee licks a knob
The winner of this contest, by far, is Mike Huckabee, because you know what he did? He called Kim Davis, to lick her knob ON THE PHONE:
“There is a county clerk who is showing more courage, more conviction and more of a better understanding of the constitution than virtually any elected official in America,” said Huckabee. “I called to encourage her and to thank her for not capitulating to what is really nothing less than judicial tyranny.”
Mike Huckabee Knows Things. He knows his son was forgiven by Jesus for killing that dog, he knows Josh Duggar was forgiven by Jesus for fingering his sisters, and he knows Kim Davis is a better authority on United States marriage law than the Supreme fucking Court.
"Governor," Scarborough, incredulous at Huckabee's obstinance, said, "you know that the Supreme Court doesn't have to have Congress pass statutes for their interpretations of the Constitution that immediately becomes law of the land and supersedes all state laws," he posited, somewhat flabbergasted. "Right? That's basic constitutional law."
But no, Huckabee does not know that. "It is the interpretation of five unelected lawyers on the [Supreme] Court," he said.
Then Scarborough asked, "Do I decide what laws I want to follow and what laws I don't want to follow?" And Huckabee said no, not exactly, but sort of:
"No," Huckabee said, "we don't have that option, but I'm asking you, tell me the statute, tell me the specific law" that makes marriage for same-sex couples legal, he demanded.
See, you can't choose not to follow the law, but you can choose what you consider to be the law and what you consider to be just some dumb not-the-law words from the Supreme Court.
Scarborough reminded Huckabee there was no statute passed "after Brown v. Board of Education was passed, but it became the law of the land immediately thereafter and Dwight Eisenhower got the National Guard enacted because that was the law of the land."
Later, Huckabee insisted same-sex marriage is "long from being settled."
Unbelievable. Like seriously, we have no Wonk words for that. Is he THAT stupid? Or is it that the average fundamentalist Christian who likes Mike Huckabee is that stupid? (Both, the answer is probably both.)
These guys wish they could lick knob like Huckabee licks knob
Bobby Jindal wants SO BAD for somebody to please pay attention to him, ANYONE! Maybe this Kim Davis lady could be his supporter? About her "plight," Jindal says, "We are seeing government today discriminate against whether it's clerks, florists, musicians or others. I think that's wrong. I think you should be able to keep your job and follow your conscience." That is a good point! We should all be able to follow our conscience. But if our conscience says we can't do the fucking duties of our job, then we should follow our conscience and quit our jobs, don't you think? Also, Jindal, please name the sought-after conservative musician who just can't perform for gay weddings. TRICK QUESTION, conservatives don't have artistic talent, like ever.
Ted Cruz made a stupid on his Facebook page:
Translation: We should have special rules for butthurt whiny ass fundamentalist cum-rags who don't want to play by the rules. Also, science fact, Ted, the American flag doesn't have a cross on it, but we wouldn't expect a Cuban-Canadian with a messiah complex to know that.
And Rand Paul. Oh Rand. You see, Rand Paul is a libertarian, but he likes it when people Make A Stand, as long as they are white. We Wonksplained all this at you on Wednesday, so read that, but if we may aggregate ourselves for a moment:
On the one hand, he doesn’t want to outright endorse law-breaking, but on the other hand, he’s apparently afraid to offend his potential voters (lol, yeah right, like those exist) by saying “HEY, YOU DUMB BIGOT LADY, DO YOUR JOB, LIKE THE LAW SAYS!” He’s leaving that kind of straight talk to Tough Guy Lindsey Graham, who said that while he sure does “appreciate her conviction” and also thinks marriage should be NO HOMO, “The rule of law is the rule of law,” and Davis needs to follow the law or drag her dumb ass to the back of the unemployment line.
Rand Paul, though, is far too “libertarian” for that, so he’d like to see his state of Kentucky, and all other states, make like Alabama “to get around the whole idea of what the Supreme Court is forcing on the states,” by saying fine, NOBODY gets to do marriage now, take THAT, The Gays!
This is different from when black people were Taking A Stand after Freddie Gray's death in Baltimore, because those people didn't have dads or a moral code. Kim Davis, on the other hand, has LOTS of dads probably (at least for her kids), and has been cramming her moral code down the gays' throats for quite a while now.
Marco Rubio is boring and said words, we don't care. "Religious freedom" and "conscience rights" and something else, we fell asleep.
Chris Christie might lick Davis's knob, but he wants to look at the rest of the menu first
Chris Christie is kind of in the middle, but leaning toward the more reasonable side. He phones in the words he had to say about protecting "religious freedom," but says yeah, mostly Davis should do her job:
"What I've said before is for someone who works in the government has a bit of a different obligation than someone who's in the private sector or obviously working for educational institutions that's religiously based or others," he explained, "but my point is we have to protect religious liberty and people's ability to be able to practice their religion freely and openly, and of course we have to enforce the law too."
K, fine. You just split that sausage right down the middle.
These Republicans don't even WANT to lick Kim Davis on her knob, are they even American?
Hi, Carly Fiorina, would you like to say something sane just this one time? YOU WOULD? All right, then!
"[W]hen you are a government employee, I think you take on a different role,” Fiorina continued. “When you are a government employee as opposed to say, an employee of another kind of organization, then in essence, you are agreeing to act as an arm of the government.” [...]
“[I]n this particular case, this woman now needs to make a decision of conscience — is she prepared to continue to work for the government, be paid for by the government in which case she needs to execute the government’s will, or does she feel so strongly about this that she wants to sever her employment with the government and go seek employment elsewhere where her religious liberties will be paramount over her duties as a government employee?"
This is, like, so reasonable. Surely she can add something stupid:
“Given the role that she’s playing, given the fact that the government is paying her salary, I think that is not appropriate,” Fiorina said. “Now that’s my personal opinion. Others may disagree with that, but I think it’s a very different situation for her than someone in a hospital who’s asked to perform an abortion or someone at a florist who’s asked to serve a gay wedding. I think when you’re a government employee, you are put into a different position honestly.”
NO CARLY, GODDAMMIT, YOU MORON. If you are an abortion doctor, that is what you DO for a living, you don't get to opt out of doing your abortioning because your heart suddenly gets molested by Kim Davis's Lord. And florists, well, we've already had that discussion, haven't we? If your business serves the public, you serve THE PUBLIC. This is America, and if you don't like it, leave! Finish running for president before you go, though, Carly, it's fun to watch.
Lindsey Graham, who IS TOO still running for president, cut right to the heart of the matter: "As a public official, comply with the law or resign." MEOW MEOW HISS HISS! He said other words about how he supports "traditional marriage," blah blah, whatever, do your job, lady.
And finally, John Kasich wants to remind everyone of all those lovey gay words he said in the first Republican debate, when he was all "I'm just a folksy old boy with old-fashioned thoughts, but if my daughter was a lesbian, I would love her, even the lesbian parts and NOW YOU ARE CHEERING BECAUSE I AM A REPUBLICAN WITH A HEART!" Anyway, he says marriage equality is settled law, so fuck off, Kim Davis, we guess.
So there you have it. Most of your Republican field, sans Jeb Bush and Donald Trump, who are too good to answer questions about the human blumpkin Kim Davis, we guess. At press time, Scott Walker was half asleep with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.