While We Were Drinking: A Bunnatine Greenhouse Gas

Neal makes fun of people's names, which is cheap, low comedy. . . but worth it! Other things we learned from Neal's wrap-up of the evening shows: Bob Scheiffer "Googles" himself, the wheels are coming off the White House train (Halliburton investigation wha?), and Jerry Springer is a beacon for democracy.

After tonight, I just know one thing: I am never ever naming my daughter Bunnatine. Especially if my last name is "Greenhouse". News peg of the night: Democrats around the country lapsing into orgasmic comas at news of an FBI investigaton of Halliburton.

7:31 - The annoying guy who for some reason gets the front page of the New York Times 'Arts & Leisure' section every Sunday pops up on Hardball With Chris Matthews (7PM, MSNBC). That's right kids... Frank Rich. Also joining in the discussion: Weekly Standard columnist/Evil Spock lookalike Stephen Hayes and Hotline Editor-in-chief Vaughn Ververs.

Head vs Head:

Rich: "Halliburton is a word that is forever implanted in the American mind symbolizing conflict of interest."

Hayes: "Stale charge!"

Hayes then goes on to get the address of factcheck.org right, unlike certain Vice Presidents we know.

8:02 - First Qaqaa joke of many appears on Countdown With Keith Olbermann (8PM, MSNBC).

8:10 - Guest Jerry Springer, nominally on Olbermann to discuss the college-age vote, decides to skip talking about the getting out the vote at shitty vegan coffeehouses and goes on to rant about voter intimidation in Ohio. Springer then goes on to invite strippers on stage for sexy talk show time.

8:17 - Two sleazy old men for the price of one: Newt Gingrich appears on the O'Reilly Factor (8PM, FNC). Gingrich boasts that this is the first election when a Republican candidate will carry the high school graduate vote. Gingrich then walked offstage to beg for change outside the Greyhound station, or teach law, or whatever it is he does nowadays.

Olbermannism of the night: 8:30 - "Did Bill O'Reilly manage to squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube?"

8:45 - Paula Zahn Now (8PM, CNN) features a piece about betting on the election. Is it possible to bet that no matter who wins, we'll still be underwhelmed and want to drink the cheapest 40s we can find nonstop for the next four years until our livers fail?

8:50 - Maricopa County, AZ sheriff Joe Arpaio boasts on the O'Reilly Factor about how he will prevent female inmates in his prisons from getting abortions and will fight the Supreme Court if he has to. Because, you know, it's not like female inmates are ever at risk of getting raped by prison guards or stuff.

9:00 - Hardball's 9PM show kicks off with a phone interview w/ Halliburton whistleblower Bunnatine Greenhouse's lawyer, Stephen Kohn. Without the video feed, you can't tell he's actually busily booking himself on other shows at the same time, but we're guessing we're going to see more of Kohn.

9:07 - Hannity and Colmes (9PM, FNC) kicks off its festivities by sacrificing an infant to Roger Ailes and the dark Gods.... Dark Gods like that crazy Vegas loving cat, Bill Bennett. Bennett's here to toe Bush's party line in 12 simple words: "Alan, don't blast the commander-in-chief during a time of war."

9:17 - Larry King Live (9PM, CNN) with debate host/living legend Bob Schieffer who wants to let you know two things.

1: "I admit it, I was Googling myself."

2: "To all the kids, I want to make sure you know to make sure that what you hear on the Internet is actually true."

The thing is, in both cases, he was referring to the infamous Schieffer sex tape. . .

9:30 - Phil Donahue guests on Hannity and Colmes.

Donahue: "We have a national emergency.... This is the most un-American, secretive administration of modern times... The President is accusing Kerry of denigrating the troops, Bob Livingston even accused Kerry of hating the troops."

Hannity: "You're hysterical."

I'm hysterical. And badly in need of a beer.

CONCLUSION: Surprise, surprise, yet another Democratic victory. The fact that the FBI is opening an investigation into Halliburton days before the election threw the White House a curveball... Republicans need a way to spin this in their favor. Fast.


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