While We Were Drinking: Dick Cheney's Medication

OK, we really have been drinking again, so we can only be thankful the Neal is more responsible than we are. It's another big night for the dance of the approved surrogates, clearly, and we think Terry McAuliffe is going quietly insane. . .

Jeb Bush and Bob Kerrey pull serious interview kung-fu tonight. Bush's two short pre-recorded interviews air simultaneously on Hannity & Colmes and Larry King Live; Kerrey shows up simultaneously on Meet the Press and the O'Reilly Factor. Elsewhere... Karl Rove, Michael Moore, Bill Frist, Elizabeth Edwards, Tom Brokaw, George Mitchell, Jesse Jackson, Ralph Reed, Terry McAuliffe, Rudolph Giuliani, among others on election eve. Republican talking point of the night: We must protect voters from having their ballots "diluted" by fraud that our party would never dream of committing. Unsurprising revelation: Almost no one expects to have a clear winner by Wednesday morning.

7:03 PM - Hardball With Chris Matthews (7PM, MSNBC). Panel: Pat Buchanan, ex-San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown and -- back in prime time -- Howard Fineman of Newsweek.

Brown predicts a Kerry victory in Florida, with a high turnout from younger voters and job/healthcare issues being the main factors. Fineman remarks on how "Bush's overtures to white Catholics were a mixed blessing... They reminded everyone Kerry is a Catholic." Fineman also used the word triage in there, earning the "Pretentious Guest of the Night" award.

7:08 PM - History is made when Pat Buchanan and Willie Brown agree for the first time: John Kerry will win the electoral vote. Buchanan, however, thinks Bush will win the popular vote.

7:15 PM - Ralph Nader on 360 with Anderson Cooper (7PM, CNN).

Cooper: "Why are you running when only one percent of the population supports you?"

Nader: Living wage, health insurance, egomania, bla bla bla...

7:20 PM - Capital Report (7PM, CNBC). Roger Simon of U.S. News and John Harwood of Wall Street Journal examine the various scenarios which could lead to a tie in the Electoral College. Consensus is that it's likely and stuff.

7:25 PM - Former New York Mayor Ed Koch on Capital Report.

CR: Does it matter that after all this time, Osama Bin Laden has not been captured?

Koch: "Half the murderers in this country have not been caught... Osama Bin Laden will be caught eventually."

Sooooo reassuring.

Koch goes on to accuse Kerry of isolationism and of being co-opted wholesale by the Dean campaign and admits "I will feel terrific if I get Bush reelected."

7:30 PM - Back to 360. Crossfire guys Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala guesting.

Carlson: "I think Kerry will win."

Begala: "Record turnout and Kerry will win."

7:35 PM - One short commercial break later, Michael Moore pops up on 360.

Cooper: Is Ralph Nader nuts?

Moore: "I am worried about Nader's mental health."

But then Moore goes on to claim he has no ego problem... His proof? That he rarely appears on television talk shows. Moore then explains about his "Mike's Video Army" which will videotape polling places on election day for hints of fraud. "Mike's Video Army" then mentioned by the filmmaker over ten more times.

7:43 PM - Pat Buchanan, Hardball: "The country has come to believe the war is not worth it... But that does not mean they are ready to vote for Kerry."

Matthews: "You are a neanderthal Republican."

7:50 PM - Capital Report examines the joys of synergy with Saturday Night Live Bush/Kerry impersonators Will Forte and Seth Myers.

8:00PM - CNBC goes with a Monday edition of Meet the Press featuring Bob Kerrey and Rudy Giuliani.

Kerrey on Kerry's war record: "I think Kerry needs to admit he hurt veterans and it would go a long way to defusing bad feelings"... Kerrey goes on to compare Iraq to Vietnam and accuse the Bush/Cheney campaign of coercion.

Interesting... Tim Russert uses the Fox Newsism "homicide bomber" instead of "suicide bomber."

8:10PM - Paula Zahn Live (8PM, CNN) does a town hall meeting with Florida voters. Sen. Bob Graham represents the Kerry campaign, ex-Christian Coalition honcho Ralph Reed the Bushies.

Reed: "The liberation of Baghdad was one of the most brilliant military victories of the post-WWII world."

Reed goes on to bring up the old "Kerry thinks terrorism is a nuisance" line, while Zahn consistently annoys audience members by interrupting them, paraphrasing and spinning their questions.

8:20PM - Giuliani, Meet the Press:

Russert: Why did the President once say that he was not concerned with Osama Bin Laden?

Giuliani: Well, uhh... OBL has been reduced to "filming political documentaries and quoting Michael Moore." Giuliani goes on to...

a) Mention Osama Bin Laden in conjunction with Michael Moore multiple times

b) Repeat like a mantra that Kerry voted against Gulf War I

c) Shut up like a clam when asked why he criticizes Kerry's conduct following Vietnam when Giuliani himself never served.

8:35PM - Paula Zahn Live.

Voter asking about stem cell research: "Why does science have to use the unknown?"

8:50PM - Harry Shearer on Countdown With Keith Olbermann (8PM, MSNBC).

Shearer: "I'm happy to be here in Demagoguery Plaza."

Olbermann: "Is it a good idea to drink heavily on election night?"

Shearer: "We should have started drinking three months ago."

9:00PM - Hannity & Colmes (9PM, FNC) leads off with Jed Bush's interview.

Bush: "Kerry is way-left... And although there are some liberals in our state, we are mostly conservative."



...It goes on. Bush reminds the viewing audience that "If Bin Laden was a registered voter, he would probably not vote for Bush."

9:10PM - Holy crap, there's Jed again on Larry King Live (9PM, CNN).

King: "So you're never going to run for president?"

Bush: "I will not run in 2008."

9:20PM - Elizabeth Edwards as next guest on Larry King. Lots of mentions of domesticity, five different variations of the "We Can Do Better" line.

9:34PM - Karl Rove on Hannity and Colmes.

Rove: "We can't let people commit vote fraud with impunity!"


Rove: "We want everyones vote in America to count but we don't want their votes to be diluted by voter fraud."


Rove: "Bush draws energy from the crowd."

He finally admitted it. Bush is a vampire.

9:37PM - Tom Brokaw on late edition of Hardball With Chris Matthews (9PM, MSNBC) compares Bush's effect on voters to that of Nixon: Either they love him or hate him with a passion. Also claims "from the minute they put the gavel down at the Republican Convention, this campaign has been about fear and terror."

9:40PM - Panel, Larry King Live, Jesse Jackson and George Mitchell.

Jackson: Pay attention to young voters and the fact cell phone users weren't recorded in polls.

Mitchell: A voter turnout of only 110,000,000 will guarantee a Kerry victory.

9:45PM - Hannity & Colmes, DNC Head Terry McAuliffe.

McAuliffe: "Dick Cheney has to change his medication."

Hannity: "Do you want to take that back? It's pretty low."

9:50PM - Back to Tom Brokaw on Hardball and the voice of reason.

Brokaw: "Some uniformity is needed in how we vote for president to avoid having legal battles... We need to treat federal elections like we do interstate commerce"

Conclusion: A big fat tie with good news for the Democrats and the Republicans. The vast majority of pundits and talking heads seem to expect a Kerry victory, even if just by a thin margin... But legal victories in Ohio and Florida as of Monday evening benefit the Republicans... Hmm.


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