While We Were Drinking: Election Over, Laci Peterson Trial Still Going On

Oh, again with the things not posted on time. The news cycle waits for no one, including a burned-out Wonkette and her evening news show reporter Neal. Highlights: Bill O'Reilly lectures on spelling, Arafat!, and Wonkette fellow-traveler Tom Frank.


News peg of the night: Something about a city in Iraq named Fallujah, we're not really sure. Republican talking point: Did we mention we hate Democrats? Democratic talking point: Well, my Republican friend, you have valid concerns and we respect your opinion.

8:25PM: The O'Reilly Factor (8PM, FNC). Bill salivates over the battle of Fallujah with author Larry Cobb and, in passing, says what we've been kinda worried about all along:

O'Reilly: "We made a big mistake by fighting Vietnam style battles."

I hear ya, Bill. I hear ya.

8:32PM: Paula Zahn Now (8PM, CNN). Head vs. head… Religious heads! Rational, secular humanist kinda guy and New Republic writer Peter Beinart vs. Bush-Cheney 2004's token black Christian, the Rev. Peter Watkins.

Zahn: If Bush doesn't heavily push issues evangelical voters care about, they're not coming back to vote Republican in 2008.

Watkins: But they just want security like everyone else.

Zahn (puzzled): Uhh… so… How about Roe v. Wade?

8:36PM: Countdown With Keith Olbermann (8PM, MSNBC). Arafat!

8:40PM: CNN. Arafat!

8:44PM: Fox News. Arafat!

8:56PM: Schoolmarm Bill O'Reilly instructs his viewers that he loves them all, but if they want to send him e-mail, zey can't right liek thiz. That's right: grammar and spelling lessons from Mr. "Falafel" himself!

9:00PM: Hannity and Colmes (9PM, FNC). Alan Colmes vs. Jack Kemp on how some states are red, some states are blue, and how it's supposed to signify stuff when it really doesn't.

Kemp: "The only truly blue areas were the far left corner of California and the northeast."

Colmes: "I like blue. Blue is my favorite color, Jack."

9:04PM: Larry King Live (9PM, FNC). The election is over, America can now get back to what it really cares about: Laci Peterson.

9:20PM: Hardball With Chris Matthews (9PM, MSNBC). The beginning of a full night's pontificating about Bush's "Will of the People" and how it's going to effect Presidential press conferences. When I say for a full night, I mean for a full night.

9:32PM: MSNBC, Head vs. Head: Jim Warren of the Chicago Tribune and Jim Vandehei, Washington Post.

Jim Warren: "I miss Clinton."

Jim Vandehei: "He (Bush) sometimes sees journalists as a nuisance."

9:43PM: Hey, there's the queen of the harpies on Hannity and Colmes! No… wait… It's just shrill Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison.

Hannity: "Are there any women who you think can run for President in 2008?"

Hutchison: "Hillary Rodham Clinton, but she is the anticipated choice… There are other very qualified women, you know."

Hannity: "Will you run?"

Hutchison: [stare]

9:47PM: Hardball. Hey, Jim Warren is still on! Giving Chris Matthew's ego a full falafel rubdown, no less.

Warren: "I think newspapers are in trouble, cable has supplanted them"

Matthews: Thank you, Jim.

9:54PM: Finally, someone with cool glasses: "Baffler" editor and NYT Op-Ed guy Thomas Frank on Hardball. For a grown man, looks suspiciously like one of those emo kids. His message: Read "What's The Matter With Kansas" and the Democratic bloodletting most begin. Now.

Frank: "The Democratic Party is all over the map, while the Republican

platform is clean, simple, and concise."

Matthews: Actually, it's not.

CONCLUSION: Between Arafat and Fallujah, events in the Middle East take the night, soundly defeating Democrats and Republicans with that special mix of ethnic clashes and extreme violence the Mid-East does oh so well.

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