While We Were Drinking: NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN!

I can't believe I'm still up. Oh, wait, I can: Did you know alcohol is a stimulant? Anyhow: Neal watched all the shows that I'm avoiding until at least oh, I dunno. . . tomorrow.


Doing two hours of Hardball each night must be driving Chris Matthews insane – the guy is now certifiably batshit, courtesy of comparing Florida to Pakistan and telling Katrina Van den Heuvel she belongs on his motorcycle. News peg: Did we mention Karl Rove is an evil genius who he feasts on the bones of small children and political opponents in his underground fortress?

7:00 PM:

Hardball With Chris Matthews

(7PM, MSNBC). Panel: Pat Buchanan, Ron Reagan and Nation columnist Katrina Van den Heuvel. Van den Heuvel's wearing her best black leather gear; Buchanan comments on it; Matthews gives her the stare. For her part, Van den Huevel predicts a "partisan civil war" over the next several months. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

7:08 PM:

360 Degrees With Anderson Cooper (8PM, CNN). Anderson Cooper runs down election referendum results. In short: Americans hate gay marriage, Montanans love marijuana.

7:17 PM:

Back to Hardball, where South Dakota Senator Elect John Thune is gloating in a phone interview over winning Tom Daschle's seat. Ron Reagan is smirking the whole time like he wants to slap him; Matthews invites Thune back on the show. And on my part, I'd like to welcome John to the degradation that we call the evening talk shows...

7:21 PM:

The news ticker on Capital Report (7PM, CNBC) is still showing the voter fraud report toll free number. Uhh… Yeah…. Election over… America crying…. Update the ticker….

7:30 PM:

Jerry Fallwell appearing on 360. Fallwell compares abortion to slavery again, claims "We believe George and Laura are a wonderful role model for couples all over the world." No comment.

7:46 PM: Ralph Nader's turn on Anderson Cooper. Nader's right eye keeps on blinking. A lot. The question: bad contact lens, physical condition or secret messages to Dick Cheney's mountain bunker?

7:51 PM:

Matthews batshit watch Part 1. Matthews to Van den Heuvel: "You look like you should be riding on the back of my motorcycle."

8:02 PM:

The O'Reilly Factor (8PM, FNC), Bill's talking points focus on his claim John Kerry didn't let the public see the real him. Aww, BOR is still upset he didn't get that Kerry interview.

8:06 PM:

Countdown With Keith Olbermann (8PM, MSNBC). Keith Olbermann wants you to know two things:

a) This was the most contentious election since 1876

b) "Democracy Plaza" was really "Democracy On Ice".

8:09 PM:

Paula Zahn Now (8PM, CNN). Interview with Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell.

Zahn: "How bummed out are you?"

Rendell: "I'm very bummed out… I don't know what's in the water in South Dakota."

8:20 PM:

Elisabeth Bumiller of the New York Times on Olbermann. She said the White House was sending out e-mails last night claiming John Kerry was delusional, and kinda confirmed reports George H.W. Bush was wandering up and down the halls of the West Wing yesterday like a man who missed his job.

8:30 PM:

Olbermannism of the night - Keith recounts the tale of Junior, a Labrador Retriever who was elected mayor of Rabbit Hollow, KY by more than 5000 votes.

8:35 PM:

Paula Zahn - Joe Klein & Paul Begala. Begala, in short, thinks the Democratic party is fucked and Klein says "people think this country is on the wrong moral track because of abortion and every third television commercial being for erectile dysfunction."

8:47 PM:

Andrea Mitchell on Hardball recites the "Gays, Guns and God" line one last time, just because she can.

8:50 PM:

Bill O'Reilly and Ellis Henican of Newsday get together to make up Dan Ratherisms and impersonate Larry King. After five minutes of taking the piss on Larry King's voice and playing What Would Rather Do, they come to the consensus that James Carville is one classy fella.

9:00 PM:

Andrea Mitchell's back, this time on the second installment of Hardball With Chris Matthews (9PM, MSNBC). Panel this time around: Mitchell, Al Sharpton, Ed Rollins, John Meacham. Sharpton: "A lot of people feel that if we had a harder, firmer message, things would be different."

9:12PM:

Hannity & Colmes (9PM, FNC). Hannity's crushing on Rudy Giuliani, his favorite Noo Yawker. The most insightful Giuliani gets is that the President is a "wonderful guy" who has "humility". Yawn.

9:15PM:

How do you follow up an appearance by Al Sharpton? Well, if you're Chris Matthews, you have Trent Lott on. Lott's gloating over Republican gains in Congress, as you might expect. Claims that the "New York media" is one of the main reasons the NE vote leans Democrat. Coughhedidn'tmeanthatinagoodwaycough. Also said "George W. Bush went to school at Yale and Harvard… He's been in the beast's belly."

9:17PM:

Matthews batshit watch part two, compares 2004 electoral map to "East and West Pakistan with India in the middle."

9:25PM:

Crystal ball time on Larry King Live (9PM, CNN). David Gergen: Bush won't make any concessions to Democrats on policy, but will have 2-3 Dems in his cabinet. Predicts Rumsfeld, Rice will leave; Powell might stay. Michael Beschloss: John Danforth was Bush's VP choice if Chaney was unavailable; might recall Danforth from ambassadorship to cabinet. Ben Bradlee: Danforth might be in; Powell, Rumsfeld might go.

9:32PM:

Evil, evil Peggy Noonan being interviewed by Sean Hannity. Wants us to know that those 252 electoral votes didn't matter, "We are not a divided country; we are a country that is Republican and conservative and trending more Republican and conservative". Predicts "Al Franken and Michael Moore, crazy people will bring down the party." Doesn't say a word about Republican crazy people, like crazy people whose initials are P.N.

9:35PM:

Hilary Rosen on Chris Matthews giving more homage to the evil of Karl Rove. Points out 13 of 14 states with gay marriage questions on referendums had no effort to legalize them in those states; states all have large evangelical populations. John Fund of Opinionjournal: Democrats should have gone for promoting civil unions first.

9:42PM:

Rosen again, the country is divided between a "Starbucks crowd and a Dunkin Donuts crowd." Chris Matthews responds that Dunkin Donuts now sells lattes and that he always preferred their coffee anyway. Do they even have Dunkin Donuts in blue states?

9:47PM:

John Meacham, Hardball: "We're not shooting at each other, it's not Gettysburg." Chris Matthews: "No, it's Appomattox, at least for thenext three days."

9:53PM:

Last word, Ben Bradlee to Larry King: "We have two parties and they switch roles every once in a while. Iraq might flip it over."

CONCLUSION: Republicans win big. Super big. Democrats switching between crying, whispering in awe about Karl Rove, crying. Stories in background: Arafat deteriorating, Rehnquist, Halliburton investigation.

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