While We Were Sleeping: 380 Tons of Explosives

Morning reporter Dan doesn't have the hangover we do.

Hey, did you see that video of that figure skater getting dropped on her head? And of Ashlee Simpson spitting the bit on SNL? So did the morning shows. But they made time for major interviews from three of the four candidates, plus a minor interview from a former President. News peg: Clinton stumps for black votes in Philly. Hot topic: 380 tons of explosives stolen from under the military's collective nose. Unsurprising revelation: FNC advertisers appeal to the paranoid.

7:00 ABC. Good Morning America:
Charlie Gibson
interviews George and Laura Bush. W calls election "nonpredictable." Asked if he wants a clean, unlitigated election, Bush says he'll never say never. Bush doesn't consider the possibility of losing the election. Will we be attacked before Election Day? Bush says there's no intelligence to suggest so, and adds that he doesn't want the American people thinking he knows something they don't know. Dear God, I hope the President knows things I don't know. Gibson asks at what point the cost is too great in Iraq; the President denigrates the rhythm method of nation-building, asserting it's too great a cost "if the President withdraws before the mission is complete."

7:08 NBC. Today:
Katie Couric
interviews John Kerry. The headline here is that Kerry guarantees that no terrorist attacks will occur in America if he wins the election. Oh, Kerry, that's just bulletin-board material for the terrorists. Couric asks if accusing Bush of scare tactics isn't the pot calling the kettle black. Kerry: "No, and I'll tell you why: blah blah blah campaign stump speech." Asked to state clearly and simply his message to America, Kerry meanders through making America stronger, reinstating its place in the world, fighting a smarter war on terrorism, solving health care, creating jobs, cutting taxes, helping the middle class, and making America stronger (again). All in about 20 seconds. Egad.

7:15 NBC. Today:
Jamie Gangel
interviews Dick and Lynne Cheney. Cheney hauls out Kerry's "nuisance" language re: terrorism, calling it "nuts." Asked if he's scaring people, Cheney reiterates he's just telling the truth, in a manner reminiscent of Apocalypse-spouting madmen everywhere. Was it a mistake to say that American troops would be greeted as liberators by the Iraqi people? "We did exactly the right thing in Iraq... The Iraqis we've talked to almost to a man have expressed their gratitude." He doesn't mention the ones we've shot or blown up, but surely they would express their gratitude as well, given the chance.

7:24 FNC. Fox & Friends:
Ed Rollins
, campaign strategist. Unlike in 2000, "people think this election really matters."

7:26 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Head vs. Head: Jennifer Millerwise, Bush Deputy Comm. Director and Debra Deshong, Kerry Sr. Advisor.

Round One:
Millerwise: Kerry is the most liberal member of the Senate.
Deshong: 380 tons of explosives stolen in Iraq.
Millerwise: Ow!

Round Two:
Deshong: Unlike the Republican party, we think it's a good thing when people vote.
Millerwise: The Dems are paying criminals to come to your house and force you to vote.
Deshong: 380 tons of explosives stolen in Iraq.
Millerwise: Ow!

7:31 ABC. Good Morning America:
Diane Sawyer
interviews Bill Clinton about his heart disease. Clinton looks old and frail the way middle-aged guys do when they lose a lot of weight. Says he doesn't miss Big Macs while looking sadder than I have ever seen a human being look.

7:38 FNC. Fox & Friends:
Joel Mowbray
, Washington Times reporter: Kerry has been lying about talking to the UN Security Council before the Iraq war; he only spoke to Cameroon, Singapore, and France. Then, no shit, does an impression of Kerry's dying mother, refers to Kerry's "Botoxed face," and, smirking, says, "I'm fair and balanced."

7:45 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning:
Howard Dean
discusses Bush's tics. He's heard Bush blinks a lot when he's about to lie. Imus says Bush looks like a ferret on crack. Dean likes Teresa Heinz Kerry because her outspokenness reminds him of himself. The Kerry campaign weeps.

7:55 FNC. Fox & Friends:
Dan Senor
, former coalition force spokesman: Even though Kerry keeps claiming the US missed Osama Bin Laden in Tora Bora, we don't actually know that he was even there.

8:10 NBC. Today:

Katie's Kerry interview, Part II. This time they're walking in a garden, to appeal to women in the 8:00 hour, you know. Refers to GWB as "a likable guy." He repeats Tora Bora assertions but fails to mention Osama Bin Laden's name.

8:15 NBC. Today:

The Cheney interview, Part II. Veiled accusations of Democratic voter fraud. Cheney says that even if elections in Iraq result in a fundamentalist government, the Iraqi people will be better off than they were under Saddam Hussein.

8:25 FNC. Fox & Friends:
Viveca Novak
, Time Magazine: "There is passion tied up in the election this time that wasn’t there in 2004." She's the second person to say that today, so I guess it's true, but do you actually know anyone who likes either candidate and who doesn't view voting as a necessary evil?

8:36 CNN. American Morning.
Dick Polman
, Philly Inquirer: While Kerry's polling among black voters is down compared to Gore's results, remember that Gore too polled poorly pre-election; he outperformed his polls among black voters, and most expect Kerry to do the same.

8:45 FNC. Fox & Friends:
Will Dana
, Rolling Stone: John Kerry is "intensely focused, coiled, almost like an athlete." Incidentally, the advertisers on Fox & Friends are hilarious: terror preparedness kits, 9/11 conspiracy-mongers, and bull-riding.


A strong performance by Democrats is undercut by their candidate's God-awful dithering. Give it to the Republicans by default. Message of the day: This election is totally nonpredictable.


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