While We Were Sleeping: Bill Clinton, Lounge Lizard

Dan rises early, wipes the sleep from his eyes, and watches three hours of morning talk shows. We don't pay him enough.


You'd think that a week before the election we'd have more to talk about, but when neither candidate says anything newsworthy, ever, it makes the morning shows pretty slow. News peg: Those 380 tons of explosives were probably stolen before US troops even got there. Hot topic: Election fraud. Unsurprising revelation: Dick Morris is still a bitter, bitter man. 

7:08 ABC. Good Morning America:

Continuation of yesterday's Charlie Gibson interview with George and Laura Bush. Gibson pushes Bush on gay marriage but gives the President an out via civil unions; the President, who was clearly about to blow the question, gratefully takes it. Nonetheless, Bush diverges from official GOP platform here. On faith, W believes Osama bin Laden prays to a "false God." Is the FDA too close to drug companies? "I certainly hope not!" Oof, Bush's advisors should ban those words from his vocabulary. Last, Gibson pulls out a photo of the bulge and asks, "What the hell is that on your back?" Bush says it was a poorly tailored shirt.

7:16 NBC. Today:

Continuation of yesterday's Katie Couric interview with John Kerry. Labels don't mean anything, says Kerry: "On some issues you can call me liberal; on some I'm a raging conservative." Katie gets tough and takes off her glasses to say, "Frankly, both candidates sound fiscally irresponsible." Kerry has no real answer other than saying that voters should trust him. On Teresa: "I think Americans love her because she's authentic, speaks her mind, and tells the truth." Meanwhile, his panicky eyes plead: Save me, Katie Couric. Take me away from this madwoman!

7:23 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Head vs. Head: Jim Dyke, RNC Communication Director vs. Howard Wolfson.

    Howard Wolfson: Clinton reminds voters of a time when they were doing well.

    Dyke: Clinton reminds people of the pre-9/11 mindset.

I am sure this argument plays well, but I myself would give anything to go back to a pre-9/11 mindset.

7:26 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Mort Kondracke, "Beltway Boys" co-host: Hawaii is in play. Hawaii! When we lived in Hawaii in 2000 we barely bothered to vote because Gore won by like 110 points! The New York Times has been on a front page campaign to embarrass Bush. Faults NYT for not following up on yesterday's missing explosives story.

7:34 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Jamie Rubin, Kerry foreign policy advisor. Successfully shifts missing explosives question to whether the administration should have sent more troops into Iraq. Successfully shifts Tora Bora question to whether the administration should have kept more troops in Afghanistan rather than sending them to Iraq. Rubin is so smooth I never noticed the violent disjunction between these two arguments. "To this administration, invading Iraq was more important than catching Osama Bin Laden." 

7:40 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning:

Howard Fineman, Newsweek: Both candidates have negative ratings of 50%; it's a miracle both have a chance to win anyways.

7:53 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Tom Bevan, realclearpolitics.com. Explains what his website does and then has little else to say.

8:08 CNN. American Morning:

Gov. Bob Taft (R) of Ohio: With so much scrutiny on us, this will be the fairest election in Ohio history.

8:10 NBC. Today:

Head vs. Head vs. Incredibly Pretty Head: Deborah Burger, California Nurses Association; Dr. Fran Kaufman; Brad Pitt debating California stem cell Prop. 71.

    Pitt: Don't look at the cost of Prop. 71; think of it as an investment. One cure would pay for the proposition three times over.

    Burger: Giving money to biotech companies is the wrong way to go; the state should encourage open-source initiatives.

    Kaufman: We have to start down the road.

    [Both women stop talking, start licking Pitt]

8:16 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Dick Morris, Former FOB: Compares Clinton to an iguana. "Like one of those animals who can only digest its food in the sunlight. Clinton's immune system can't operate unless people are looking at him." Says Wolves ad is the best negative ad since the anti-Goldwater Daisy. "Bush is revisiting the first debate and winning it in paid media." Hillary Clinton will stump for Kerry, but only in places like South Dakota where he doesn't stand a chance.

8:34 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning.

Mary Matalin, Republican Guru: People who are voting for someone will turn out in far greater numbers than people who are voting against something. Predicts landslide for Bush.

8:46 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Steve Sailer, vdare.com columnist: Compares Kerry's Naval officer test scores with Bush's Air Force test scores; claims results show Bush's IQ is slightly higher than Kerry's. Smartest advice of the day: Someone should sit Bush down, remind him he graduated from the two most famous colleges in the world, and tell him to buckle down. Kerry, on the other hand, can't deliver a simple speech without trying to make it better. He needs his advisors to stop telling him how smart he is.

OVERALL

Jamie Rubin is one smart motherfucker, and takes it for the Dems today. Message of the day: Bill Clinton likes to bask on the rocks, warming his ample lizard belly in the Galapagos sun.

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