While We Were Sleeping: Rick Santorum Is Not Gay. Really. NOT GAY.

Early rising Dan channel surfs the morning shows, fueled by caffeine and rage. Continues after the jump.


Morons who went hiking in a blizzard take up 85% of the network morning shows, leaving cable to pick up the electoral slack. No one -- no one -- give two shits about the National League. News peg: Florida gets Al and Bill. Hot topic: Kerry knows how to kill. Unsurprising revelation: Radio hosts know how to shill.

7:05 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Debuts a new Bush ad called "Wolves." Moody shots of wolves in a snowy forest, combined with a spooky voice-over about terrorist threats, followed by the de rigueur twangy "I'm George W. Bush, and I approve this message." E.D. Hill notes, "It's effective until I hear him."

7:07 NBC. Today:

Excerpts from Telemundo's Pedro Sebcec's interview with the President. Bush: I respect other people's views, but America must not show weakness or uncertainty.

7:10 NBC. Today:

Senator John McCain: The rhetoric in this campaign is as bad as he's ever seen on both sides. Has the President been accurate in his presentation or the situation in Iraq? "I don't think he's been totally accurate." Plenty of things have gone wrong, but "mistakes happen during wars," he says, three separate times. McCain grits his teeth, spreads his legs, and says of course he's endorsing George W. Bush for President.

7:24 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Head vs. head: Michael Gallagher, conservative radio host, and Bob Beckel, liberal yahoo. Lots of fake avuncularity on each side.

    Beckel: Al Gore is going to Florida to remind people the 2000 election was stolen.

    Gallagher: Listen to my radio show today! "We're in State College, PA!"

    Beckel: Kerry will make us safer. "You're talking about a guy who killed people in Vietnam while the other guy spent Vietnam getting his teeth fixed."

    Gallagher: Listen to my radio show today! "We're gonna lure Michael Moore to the studio with a pile of Ho-Ho's and Twinkies!"

7:40 CBS. The Early Show:

Steve Kroft previews a 60 Minutes II segment on Jon Stewart. Stewart says that real journalists wring their hands about FNC's slogan. "They're not fair and balanced!" but CNN says "You Can Depend on CNN," and no you can't.

7:48 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning:

Chris Matthews: Maureen Dowd is hot.

Imus: She has hobbit feet.

7:53 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Fraser Seitel, Professional PR Flack: "There has never been a more PR tone-deaf public citizen than Teresa Heinz Kerry." On Kerry's hunting trip, becomes 10,000th FNC guest to compare something Kerry does to Dukakis riding in a tank, but redeems himself by asking, "You're ten days out and the candidate goes on a literal wild goose chase?"

8:13 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning:

Puerto Ricans have rowdy parades, but those damn Micks in Boston are worse.

8:16 FNC. Fox & Friends:

Terry McAuliffe, DNC Chairman: The DNC will have 10,000 lawyers on the streets ensuring this election is fair. "In 2000, if we had gone to a Kinko's in the morning on Election Day and Xeroxed that butterfly ballot, Al Gore would be President. We won't make that mistake again." McAuliffe is spending the day hanging out with the Black Eyed Peas before their turn-out-the-vote concert; if you like watery, lame hip-hop, vote Kerry.

8:23 FNC. Fox & Friends:

David Gergen, Editor at Large, US News: John Kerry didn't go hunting to seem like a "regular guy." He went hunting to show he knows how to shoot a gun and can be tough on terrorism. Because US Presidents often hunt down and shoot terrorists personally. GWB is in real danger if he can't get his polls to 51 by Election Day. Both Gergen and the F&F crew think it's quite likely 2004 will reverse 2000, with Bush winning the popular vote and Kerry winning the Electoral College.

8:34 ABC. Good Morning America:

Jake Tapper reports on Barbie's candidacy for President. Tad Devine, Kerry strategist: "In 2000, we had to deal with Nader and the Greens. Now we have to deal with Barbie and the Pinks." Mark McKinnon, Bush media advisor: "Her agenda is formidable," but "her resume is problematic -- she's had 86 jobs." (Hey, that's 86 more than Laura Bush!) Tapper induces groans with "My Little Ponies for Truth" punchline. I would have picked Monchichi.

8:40 MSNBC. Imus in the Morning.

Senator Rick Santorum: Voter fraud is rampant: In the city of Philadelphia, there are as many registered voters as there are people 18 and over, including illegal immigrants and felons. Imus toys with Santorum: "Do you think homosexuality is a choice, or genetic?" Santorum claims "There's no evidence it's genetic." So Imus asks him when he made his decision to be straight. "Was there ever a time you were weighing the two options, playing with a dolly or with a football?" Santorum says he can't isolate any one particular incident that made him such a great, great, great fucker of women.

OVERALL

Dems take the day; apparently hunting geese is good for Kerry whether you think that makes him look like a regular guy or like a cold-blooded killer. Message of the day: John McCain hates his life.

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