While We Were Sleeping: THK Eats Her Young

New reporter and early riser Dan surfs the terrifying perkiness that is the morning news show sked. In this issue: Teresa, Sinclair, Jake Tapper in funny glasses. Continues after the jump.


Everyone has a lot to say about the Red Sox and surprisingly little to say about the candidates this morning. News peg: Black people love Bill Clinton. Topic of the day: Teresa Heinz Kerry hates moms and she hates children and she hates you. Not-at-all surprising revelation: Imus loves the gun he keeps in his office.

THE 7:00 HOUR

THE TODAY SHOW (NBC)

Head vs. head: Mike McCurry, Dem strategist and Liz Cheney, the straight one.

McCurry: Everyone knows that no one loves killing terrorists like Kerry/Edwards.

Cheney: "The record doesn't match the rhetoric."

FOX & FRIENDS (FNC)

Head vs. Head: Brad Blakerman, former Deputy Asst. to GWB and Chip Smith, Gore Deputy Campaign Director.

Smith: Of course Teresa Heinz Kerry has respect for Mrs. Bush!

Blakerman: Teresa Heinz Kerry needs to speak more!

Smith: [loosens collar, Rodney Dangerfield-style] Nggghhhhaaaa!

Senator Bill Frist (R-Tenn.): As "the only doctor in the Senate," is asked to contrast the two candidates' health care plans. Kerry's is characterized by its $1000 per family cost. Bush's is characterized by being terrific for everybody! Blames flu shot shortage on companies moving overseas due to the threat of -- you guessed it -- excessive litigation. Hems and haws on free Congressional flu shots. Teresa's comments show that Kerry/Edwards will say anything to get elected, e.g. "If only stem cell policy was different, Christopher Reeve would jump out of his chair."

IMUS IN THE MORNING (MSNBC)

Maureen Dowd: Everything Bush has done on the war on terrorism is wrong but Americans still view him as an authority on national security, and the Democrats have ceded that to him. Jon Stewart and Imus are "sexy curmudgeons." In classic Dowdese, calls John Edwards a "blueberry muffin with fangs."

GOOD MORNING AMERICA (ABC)

Jake Tapper visits a Dayton factory to discuss the campaigns' job growth plans. He begins the segment wearing ridiculous safety goggles but quickly, and wisely, removes them. The segment trots out each campaign's authentic Ohio JobBot: Bush's supporter is a small business owner who has been able to hire people because his taxes were cut; Kerry's a skeezy-looking union head.

THE 8:00 HOUR

FOX & FRIENDS (FNC)

Ashley Faulkner, who hugged the President, appears with her father Lynn. Neither have anything to add, but Steve Doocy has a man-crush on GWB: "There's something about the look in the President's eyes that is so honest. So real."

Broderick Johnson, Sr. Advisor to Kerry: Says Teresa Heinz Kerry meant nothing but respect in her comments. And of course he doesn't wish she would shut her delightful outspoken trap. The whole campaign loves her to death and hopes she keeps on talking, talking, talking! He then begs to move on. E.D. Hill lobs him a softball on the foolishness of color-coded terror alerts; Johnson whiffs, responding, in essence: "I know, right?" He likes the Red Sox.

THE 9:00 HOUR

FOX & FRIENDS (FNC)

Head vs. Head: Dem strategist Julianna Malveaux and Rep strategist Angela McGlowan. A tale of two very different face-offs.

Face-off one:

Malveaux: Can we please move on from Teresa Heinz Kerry? Gay marriage and abortion have hurt Kerry in the African-American Christian polls, but if Kerry gets the black vote energized, he'll win the election.

McGlowan: Can we please move on from Teresa Heinz Kerry? Gay marriage and abortion have hurt Kerry in the African-American Christian polls, but if Kerry gets the black vote energized, he'll win the election.

Face-off two:

McGlowan: John Kerry is patronizing black people --

Malvaux and McGlowan: [simultaneous incoherent shouting for a full minute]

Mark Hyman, squeaky-voiced Sinclair Broadcasting representative: Sinclair didn't capitulate to financial pressure in altering the Kerry doc they're making their stations run! It's just that they became part of the story, so they're turning the cameras on themselves! Sinclair is still proud of their news department, which is helping these veterans air their totally baseless and bizarre allegations -- something no other news organization, not even Fox News, has done. Also, either Mark Hyman has talked himself hoarse in the last three days, or his balls just dropped.

IMUS IN THE MORNING (MSNBC)

Phil Simms, former Giants QB: Imus has a gun sitting out on his desk. "Ixnay on the un-gay," pleads Imus.

OVERALL

Sinclair Broadcasting and Teresa Heinz Kerry both come out looking like dummies, so let's call it a draw. Message of the day: Teresa Heinz Kerry has never touched her own children, leaving them to be raised by platinum-plated nannies.

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