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Hey gay homosexuals! Be happy! The Supreme Court is going to hear your gay cases about all the sick things you gays do, like get married and serve in the military. Wait, what? You're NOT uniformly happy that the Supreme Court will hear your gay cases because there's some complex different issues blah blah blah? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?


You have a wide variety of non-Wonkette sources that will actually, you know, explain the cases to you. For some detailed and thoughtful analysis from actual lawyers, go read SCOTUSblog. If you want a non-legalistic summary of what's going on, try HuffPo. If you want someone to explain to you why one of these cases is cool for the homosessicans and one is bad, you can't really do better than Mother Jones:

The DOMA case asks the justices to strike down the federal law that dictates which marriages are valid. Even better for supporters of same-sex marriage: Of the several DOMA cases the court could have taken, it decided on Windsor v. United States [4], in which plaintiff Edith Windsor was unable to claim an estate-tax deduction after her female partner died. Between striking down part of a heavy-handed federal statute and helping someone get a tax cut, it's the kind of same-sex marriage case even a conservative justice could love. Most importantly, from the point of view of getting the requisite five votes, striking down that part of DOMA would not prevent states from banning same-sex marriage.

The Prop. 8 case argues something much broader, however: It claims there is a fundamental right to same-sex marriage in the Constitution, and that any attempt to ban same-sex marriage violates the 14th Amendment. The Ninth Circuit's ruling was written so narrowly [5] that if the Supreme Court had decided not to take the case, then the Ninth Circuit's decision would have affirmed the rights of same-sex couples in California alone. But if SCOTUS were to affirm the constitutionality of California's ban on same-sex marriage, the ruling could well apply to any such law nationwide.

Let's Wonkettize this for you. DOMA case likely to succeed because states' rights good and taxes bad. Proposition 8 case is messy because possibly epileptic altar boy John Roberts, swarthy anger bear Antonin Scalia, quietly bloodthirsty Clarence Thomas, and perpetually in a snit Samuel Alito are pretty sure to use the case to find a way to ban teh gays from the marrying forever. So, as always, the whole thing will come down to endless maw of ass-kissing need Anthony Kennedy. Same as it ever was. So, homosexuals and friends, start sending fruit baskets or Porsche Boxsters or epic love poems or erotic chocolates or SOMETHING to Justice Kennedy ASAP.

[SCOTUSblog/HuffPo/Mojo]

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Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug ... He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire.

Yr Wonkette is no stranger to the double-edged weapon of sarcasm, we'll admit. OR WILL WE? It's part of our postmodern toolkit, with which we seek to undermine patriotism, faith, the free market, the family, and ultimately America itself. Duh. But we would never be so naive as to think we have a monopoly on irony and sarcasm, oh no, far from it. This week, we dip into the sludge of deletia for some brilliant examples of cutting rightwing wit turned back on us, with devastating results. Hope you're not all TRIGGERED so much you have to go find a SAFE SPACE, libs!

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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