Whiny Tennessee Judge Says No More Divorce Because Gays Ruined That Too
Now they've even destroyed the sanctity of divorce
GodDANGit, The Gays, why you gotta ruin everything? Now that you have the same legal rights as opposite-gays to get married, fight about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, and despise each others' legal and officially state-sanctioned mothers-in-law, nothing is sacred. Not even divorce:
A local judge contends the U.S. Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage has derailed Tennessee's ability to determine what constitutes divorce — leaving one Signal Mountain couple married against their will. [...]
[Hamilton County Chancellor Jeffrey] Atherton said the Supreme Court must clarify "when a marriage is no longer a marriage." Otherwise, he contended, state courts are impaired from addressing marriage and divorce litigation altogether.
Is this the dumbest effing thing you have ever read in your en-TIRE life? Probably. But because Judge Atherton is A Idiot, or at least he's doing a real good impersonation of A Idiot, Thomas and Pamela Bumgardner have to be married to each other FOREVER, even though they really don't wanna anymore. But the judge is like, "Now that two dudes can become Mr. and Mr. Buttscissoring, it's UNPOSSIBLE to know how divorce is formed!"
"The conclusion reached by this Court is that Tennesseans have been deemed by the U.S. Supreme Court to be incompetent to define and address such keystone/central institutions such as marriage, and, thereby, at minimum, contested divorces," Atherton wrote.
We are not a lawyer, but also too, we are not a total friggin' A Idiot, so we figure if you can tear up a nuclear deal with Iran, you can tear up a marriage certificate from 2002, sign your name on a paper that says "UNMARRIED," and voila! Done. Whatever sexxytime parts the ex-lovely couple is hiding under their clothes in their bathing suit areas really shouldn't make any difference.
Ah, but the judge has several reasons for refusing to let the Bumgardners divide their record collection and be done forever, not just The Gays. He thinks maybe they do not permanently hate each others' guts like they say they do. Or, in his law words, their hetero "marriage," whatever that means now, is not "irretrievably broken," and he thinks they should go home and try to kiss and make up. The Bumgardners are like, "No, we do not want to go home with each other, and do the kissing and the making up, UGH," but the judge doesn't believe them, and this whole marriage business is so baffling now, thanks A LOT, The Gays!
"There are several different grounds a person can claim to support entitlement to divorce," he said.
The Bumgardners, in their petition, listed two: inappropriate marital conduct — which Atherton said was never proved — and irreconcilable differences.
The couple can file again for divorce, attorneys said. But this time, they have to come up with new reasons.
Asked what the couple could do next, Atherton was optimistic.
"Hopefully," he said, "they can reconcile."
We don't know what "inappropriate marital conduct" means in Tennessee. Maybe Pamela caught Thomas straight-sexing her sister. Or a sheep. But in our opinion, just as two consenting adults who love each other should be allowed to get married if they wanna, two consenting adults who hate each other should be allowed to get divorced if they wanna, as well. For freedom and the American way.
And if Judge Atherton can't read the Supreme Court's ruling on marriage equality and figure out how the hell equality is supposed to work, and his brain is all in a tizzy trying to uphold the sanctity of traditional divorce, maybe he should consider hanging up his robe. Because clearly, he is not qualified to make with the judging. Maybe he could apply for a gig as a court clerk in Rowan County, Kentucky. We hear there's a temporary vacancy there.