Dr. Ronny Pretty Sure Joe Biden Can't Pick Out 'Camel' As Good As Bodybuilder Jesus Trump Can!
Dr. Ronny L. Jackson is running in the GOP primary to replace Mac Thornberry as the congressman for Texas's 13th District. It's one of the most conservative in the country, with a Republican partisan lean of 33 points, which is why the primary is filled with 15 anti-abortion, anti-immigration, Trump-huffing candidates. Jackson, of course, was once Donald Trump's White House physician and was probably somewhat qualified because Trump didn't hire him. He was a holdover from Barack Obama's administration, but Jackson hopes the good people of Texas's 13th will forgive him for helping to keep Obama alive and focus instead on how tight he is with the current president.
Jackson boasts that he's the only one "who can walk in the Oval Office unannounced and say, 'Sir, I need you to stop what you're doing and listen to me,' and he will stop what he's doing and listen to me." Far be it for us to suggest that Jackson is full of shit, but Trump doesn't seem like someone who pays that much attention to medical advice. Jackson claims one of his biggest regrets is that he left his job as the mad king's physician before he could moderately alter Trump's Caligula-like lifestyle.
You'll recall that Jackson embarrassed himself and the medical profession during a press conference where tried to make Trump seem healthier than the bloated racist sack of skin cells he actually is. He raved about the president's "incredible genes" and claimed he scored better than an inanimate object on a cognitive test. He was able to identify a lion, rhino, and a camel, but we suspect that Felicity Huffman paid someone to help him.
Jackson had big plans for Trump's personal fitness. Why, he was going to put an exercise bike or even an elliptical machine in the White House residence for the president to cover with his suits. Alas, the "exercise stuff never took off," but Jackson claims he was working on Trump's questionable diet. Keep pushing that boulder uphill, doc.
JACKSON: We were making the ice cream less accessible, we were putting cauliflower into the mashed potatoes.
You can't help wondering how Jackson's team kept ice cream out of Trump's reach. Maybe they hid cartons of Turkey Hill inside hollowed-out books in the White House library. The cauliflower-spiked mashed potatoes were a creative solution, but one that's also very similar to how you get five year olds to eat their vegetables. Did he also douse broccoli with Cheez Whiz and tell Trump they were cheesy Christmas trees?
Cauliflower, of course, is a popular low-calorie replacement for rice, potatoes, and the emotional state humans describe as "joy."
The advantage of Trump subsisting on a diet of McDonald's and KFC is that he has no idea what actual food tastes like. Cover the ungodly cauliflower mash in enough salt and he'd never know the difference. Please don't get the wrong idea: Although we oppose phony mashed potatoes in any form, we're actually quite fond of cauliflower. You probably don't read Wonkette for the recipes, but if you do, New York Times food writer and national treasure Alison Roman has gifted the world with an amazing recipe for cauliflower pasta (above).
Jackson personally suffered several falls from grace since becoming a willing Trump stooge. He was the president's pick to lead the VA, and it wasn't just his total lack of qualifications that killed the deal. Damning allegations emerged that he was a "party monster" who wrote prescriptions for himself and handed out medication to his "friends" without any patient history. It's hard to believe Obama ever hired this guy. It's as if he was always Trump's caretaker.
Tuesday, Jackson shared this garbage tweet from RNC chair Ronna McDaniel (Romney) that implied Joe Biden can't even remember he's running for president and not senator. McDaniel (Romney) is professionally gross, but it's sickening for a supposed doctor to make such offensive statements about a political candidate. (Also: Way to go, Shaun King. Your Biden dig was picked up by Bellatrix Lestrange herself.)
Allow us to remind you of the cognitive test Donald Trump "aced," which Dr. Ronny thinks Joe Biden would have a hard time passing:
Jackson is a long shot to win the TX-23 primary. His campaign organization is almost as laughable as his recent presidential medical exams.
He hasn't called in a favor from Trump yet because he believes his former patient has "too much on his plate." It's probably all the cauliflower.
And with that, have an OPEN THREAD. Remember to join Doktor Zoom for a liveblog of Donald Trump's presser on the coronavirus response at 6:30 PM Eastern (it was pushed back a half hour).
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).