Donate
Culture Wars

Rudy Giuliani Took 'Blue' Anniversary of 9/11 A Little Too Literally

Here's a video that is bullshit!

September 11th, 2001 was a day that forever changed the course of history. It started a war we are still waging (Afghanistan), created new government departments (DHS, ICE), gave the government wide authorizations to violate privacy (Patriot Act), and created the security theater we all perform every time we want to go on a flight. (Because somehow a 16 ounce bottle of shampoo is bad, but two eight ounce bottles next to each other is cool. It's just science!) And as each year has passed, we've seen the anniversary of 9/11 cravenly used as a political tool, mostly by Republicans.

There is no better example of this than Trump's personal lawyer, former mayor of New York City and Nosferatu-looking fuckmouth: Rudy Giuliani.

Keep reading... Show less
Immigrants

This Little Bahamian Girl Survived The Hurricane And You Already Guessed What Trump's Monsters Did Next!

Do you feel safer, America?

We sure wish we could be surprised by the Miami Herald's report that a 12-year-old Bahamian girl who fled the destruction caused by Hurricane Dorian was taken from her family and put into a shelter for "unaccompanied alien children" this week. And now the girl's mother can't get her out. But of course that happened. The family isn't Norwegian, now is it?

Keep reading... Show less
Science

Of Course Wilbur Ross Threatened To Fire All The Weather People If They Didn't Lie For Trump

It's STILL. GOING.

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is one of Donald Trump's greatest loyalists, so when Trump took to griping last week about how he was actually completely right to warn Alabama it was in the path of Hurricane Dorian, Ross knew just how to back up the Great Man. Ross, who was traveling in Greece, called up the acting head of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) to demand the agency rebuke those awful meteorologists in Alabama who, shortly after Trump's September 1 tweet, pointed out there was no threat to Alabama, not at all. Shame on them for preferring "reality" over Trump!

The New York Times reports that Ross didn't just demand NOAA release a statement backing up the wise smart "president"; he also threatened that if the rogue forecasters weren't repudiated, heads would roll at NOAA. And so NOAA issued an unsigned statement Friday claiming the statement from the Birmingham office of the National Weather Service had been "inconsistent with probabilities from the best forecast products available at the time." NWS meteorologists immediately lost their shit about the weather being Stalinized, and everyone started citing George Orwell on what two plus two equals.

In response to the Times story, a Commerce Department spokesperson insisted Ross had definitely not threatened to fire anyone, no sir, but the Times also points out the spokesperson

declined to comment on whether Mr. Ross had spoken with the NOAA administrator or ordered the agency to rebut the statement contradicting the president's assertion about a threat to Alabama.

This seems like a good opportunity to mention that Wilbur Ross totally lied to Congress about why his department wanted to add a citizenship question to the Census. So yeah, let's trust him on this.

Keep reading... Show less
WARBLOGGING

John Bolton, You Are BYE FELICIA BYE!

We don't know how to feel right now, but we can't stop laughing either.

Well, well, well, John Bolton! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

Is it Infrastructure Week? It must be Infrastructure Week. Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted to bitch about all the FAKE NEWS about his failed photo op with the Taliban, and he presidentially proclaimed that there was no discord in his national security team, none at all.

A lot can change in 24 hours, we guess!

Uh huh.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it is!

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

House Dems Just Curious Why Trump FORCING UKRAINE TO MEDDLE IN 2020 ELECTION

When they go low, we kick 'em in the teeth.

THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ELECTION SYSTEM. Today we're getting a preview of how America's journalists will handle another electoral cycle where the GOP gins up fantastical lies and pretends they're smoking gun evidence of Democratic corruption. Will the media give oxygen to Rudy Giuliani's smear campaign about Joe Biden and Ukraine the way they did the Hillary Clinton Uranium One stories? Or will they do their damn jobs and cut the bothsides-ing bullshit?

So far the record is mixed, with the New York Times falling on its ass right out of the gate by printing Giuliani's Ukrainium One crap about Biden's role in the 2016 firing of massively corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin. Despite zero evidence that Biden even knew that his son was associated with a Ukrainian natural gas firm, Times reporter Ken Vogel referred to "the Bidens' Ukrainian work" six times in his article. Thanks, Ken!

Bloomberg conclusively demonstrated that Giuliani was lying, since Shokin had closed his investigation of the company more than a year before Biden, backed up by the IMF and the EU, pressured Ukraine to clean house and get rid of Shokin. No doubt Dean Baquet will get right on clarifying that ... NEVER.

Keep reading... Show less
News

​Hey White House, Should We Keep Talking About 'Alabama' More, FOREVER? Okay.

New press idiot Stephanie Grisham is definitely #BeBest right now.

Right this very second, we imagine journalists like Ashley Parker and Maggie Haberman and Gabe Sherman are on the phone with White House sources, getting off-the-record statements like "You didn't hear this from me, but literally everybody up in here is ready to put His Royal Highness in a straitjacket over this All Hurricanes Fall On Alabama shit," and the journalists are like, "Thanks, Kellyanne, I will as usual not put your name in the newspaper."

Out of all the embarrassing days in the Trump presidency -- and according to calendars, there have been 958 embarrassing days in the Trump presidency -- this one ranks way up there. You'd think White House officials would be tweeting anything to distract from the fact that President Dumbshit McHurtyFeelings cannot let go and admit that he made a fuckup in his pants when he accused Hurricane Dorian of heading for Alabama, which has now led him to draw dicks with a Sharpie on an old outdated hurricane forecast map. They could tweet something nice and distracting, like "Remember, he's a Russian asset too!" or "Who's the president with the normal-sized hands? Not this guy!" or "Don't worry, we put the nuclear football at Nikki Haley's house in 2017." ANYTHING.

New White House press secretary idiot person Stephanie Grisham had a different #BeBest idea, and it was to double over laughing -- much like a hypothetical drunk who doesn't even realize she just got pulled over for a DUI, so everything is still LOL! -- at CNN, which made an oops in its graphics department. We should mention that CNN's oops was part of a story related to President Weatherfucker's weatherfucking, by which we mean the actual hurricane disaster that's wounding the president's pride and also killing people and destroying their homes, but most importantly the thing about the president's pride, obviously:

Keep reading... Show less
Nice Time

Nice Time! US Embassy Lets Palestinian Kid Back In For Harvard, Probably All Going To Be Fired Now

Yay for public outcry fixing shit that shouldn't have been broken to start with.

Here's the good-news update to that awful story of Trumplandia in Action! Ismail Ajjawi, the 17-year-old Palestinian refugee kid who was deported from the US in late August after a customs inspector at Logan Airport didn't like things written by Ajjawi's Facebook friends, finally made it back to the USA in time to start classes at Harvard on Tuesday.

The group that sponsored Ajjawi, Amideast,

said in a statement that the United States Embassy in Beirut reviewed Mr. Ajjawi's case and reissued a visa. Harvard officials confirmed that Mr. Ajjawi was on campus.

Ajjawi's attorney, Albert Mokhiber, thanked Harvard and Amideast for all their efforts to get the kid on campus in time for the beginning of classes.

"The anxiety was beyond belief for everybody," Mr. Mokhiber said. "Thank God it all worked out."

Mr. Ajjawi made it to Harvard on Monday in time to appear in his class photo, Mr. Mokhiber said, adding that Mr. Ajjawi was taken aside by Lawrence Bacow, the president of the university.

"I told his dad, the hard part begins today, he's at Harvard, and we had a little chuckle over that," Mr. Mokhiber said.

Hooray for a brief victory for sane people!

Keep reading... Show less
Trump

​Mike Pence Wasn't 'Ordered' To Slip Cash In Trump's Stocking, He Did It Because He Wanted To.

NO HOMO!

Why is Mike Pence still talking? The guy got caught stuffing wads of cash into the Ol' Yeti's pubes -- BUT NOT IN A GAY WAY! -- and he still will not shut up. His own chief of staff Marc Short told reporters on the record that Donald Trump advised Pence to stay at his Doonbeg Golf resort. There is zero ambiguity here.

REPORTER: Did President Trump ask Vice President Pence to stay at the property?

SHORT: I don't think it was a request like a command, Bob. I think that it was a suggestion.

REPORTER: What does that mean?

SHORT: It's like when we went through the trip, it's like, well, he's going to Doonbeg because that's where the Pence family is from. It's like, "Well, you should stay at my place."

But now Short and the White House are howling about "misreporting" and claiming it's Fake News that Trump suggested Pence and his family stay there. Pence had to go visit the old bones of Irish ancestors, who were all robustly heterosexual, and there was simply no place in Doonbeg to accommodate him and his entourage. Besides, Pence paid expenses for his wife, mother, and sister, ipso facto there can be no corruption when he stuffs money into the president's pants.

Keep reading... Show less
lawsplainer

In The Matter Of Playboy V. White House, Judge Says Get F*cked

It's Karem v. Gorks in THUNDERDOME.

Playboy reporter Brian Karem got his White House hard press pass back yesterday after US District Court Judge Rudolph Contreras ruled that it had been arbitrarily and unconstitutionally yanked. Turns out that White House Commsliar Stephanie Grisham's vague arglebargle about "professionalism" is an insufficient standard to apply when depriving the press of its First Amendment rights. Womp womp.

For those of you keeping score at home, with the drubbing they took in the Jim Acosta case, the tally is now Due Process 2, White House 0.

It all started back in July when Donald Trump convened a bunch of "social media influencers" -- AKA Nazis, conmen, and victims of evil Wonkette BESMIRCH STATEMENT(S) Diamond & Silk -- to watch him whine about all his lovely bot followers getting purged on Twitter. Afterward they all headed out to the Rose Garden, where the venerated guest hacks got seats and the White House Press Corps were forced to stand outside, cordoned off by rope.

Keep reading... Show less
White House

The Category Five Storm Is IN TRUMP'S BRAIN!

No but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

He's getting so much worse. Donald Trump was untethered to reality during the campaign, and the stress of pretending to run a country is clearly sending him 'round the bend into bugfuck insanity. All the adults have left the building, and Javanka aren't even bothering to plant pieces anymore about all the loony shit they restrained the old man from doing. The White House is Toadytown, and they're lettin' 'er rip! Should we colonize Greenland? Nuke a hurricane? Deport kids getting cancer treatment so they'll all die? Yes, yes, and yes!

They're "letting Trump be Trump," which is toadyspeak for abdicating their responsibility to advise the president for the good of the country in the hope that ranting like some dude on the median strip who thinks he's Jesus will be that secret sauce that ensures their boss's reelection. Russia, if you're listening ...

Hence, allowing Trump to skip a planned trip to visit our Eastern European allies so he could "monitor" Hurricane Dorian from his golf course and tweet mean shit at Debra Messing. Sorry, Poland! But hey, the President sends his congratulations on the anniversary of the German invasion and loss of a fifth of your population.

Keep reading... Show less
Military

Good News! Trump Isn't F*cking Over ALL The Troops And Their Kids. Just SOME Of 'Em!

ARE YOU NOT REASSURED?

The Trump administration unleashed a shitstorm of fear and confusion Wednesday when US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) released a tweak to how it processes citizenship for some children born overseas to US military personnel and other government workers. The change would end automatic citizenship for children born overseas to two small groups: military parents who are not yet citizens, and to citizens who may have left the USA as kids and then grown up elsewhere. Their kids can still become citizens, but only after a long application process. But because the policy change wasn't framed very clearly, many military folks and those worried about the administration's ongoing war on immigrants thought the policy would apply to all military families who have kids while deployed overseas, and can you blame them? In this essay we shall argue that the whole wretched mess is yet another example of what we've called the Trump administration's weaponized incompetence. Why just do a policy when you can also maximize fear, uncertainty, and doubt among people you want to scare? There's a lot of confusion out there about what exactly this new policy is supposed to do, and we're fairly sure that uncertainty is part of the plan.

Keep reading... Show less
White House

Trump Has New Idea For Building WALL: What If He Orders People To Commit Crimes For Him?

How is this not high crimes and misdemeanors?

In a follow-up to its earlier reporting on Donald Trump's obsession with making WALL as cruel as possible, the Washington Post published an astonishing story Wednesday on Trump's drive to build WALL before the 2020 election, because he promised WALL, his slob picnic crowds love chanting WALL, and he must have WALL, even if a few laws have to get broken in the process. Greater good and all that.

The story notes Trump has pressured the Army Corps of Engineers to rush contracts for construction, bypassing the normal bidding process, and has told aides to ignore dumb environmental regulations and eminent domain rules too so that private land can be grabbed up and WALLed, for "national security." Trump's goal is a total of 500 miles of WALL by election day 2020, which is going to take some doing. The Army Corps has only built 60 miles of fencing so far -- yes, despite Trump's lies to the contrary --and that's all replacing old sections of fencing in "areas that previously had border infrastructure."

In a completely Trumpian move, officials who attended Trump's frequent meetings on the need to WALL faster said he had promised pardons if anyone had to break some dumb laws in order to build WALL:

When aides have suggested that some orders are illegal or unworkable, Trump has suggested he would pardon the officials if they would just go ahead, aides said. He has waved off worries about contracting procedures and the use of eminent domain, saying "take the land" [...]

"Don't worry, I'll pardon you," he has told officials in meetings about the wall.

"He said people expected him to build a wall, and it had to be done by the election," one former official said.

Asked for comment, a White House official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said Trump is joking when he makes such statements about pardons.

Trump insisted on Twitter Wednesday that the Post had completely "made up" that part, because that's exactly how journalism works. Which sort of makes us wonder why a White House official would say Trump was only joking about that thing he never said at all. (And what's the "joke"? Is he ... not going to pardon people who commit crimes for him? LOL, joke's on them!)

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

House Judiciary Committee Finally Lighting A Fire Under Don McGahn's Ass

Pony up, fuckers!

It's about damn time! The House Judiciary Committee has finally asked the US District Court in DC to call bullshit on the Trump administration's claim that congressional oversight is ILLEGAL because of some made up claim of "absolute immunity" that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone pulled out of his smarmy, Covington Catholic ass. And if Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson isn't willing to grant summary judgment on this legal question, perhaps she will be willing to order former White House Counsel Don McGahn, who witnessed all the obstruction of justice, to get his behind into the committee for testimony pronto, since it's considering whether to recommend impeachment and needs access to all the evidence to carry out its constitutionally mandated duty.

Yep, the committee is using the "I" word. Again. 44 times in 57 pages. Oh, it's on.

Keep reading... Show less
2020 presidential election

Nice FEC You Got There. Shame If Anything ... Oh Sh*t, Something Happened To It.

Look Ma! No burdensome regulations!

The federal agency that's supposed to oversee US elections will soon be without any actual power to enforce election laws, because one of the four remaining members of the Federal Election Commission will be resigning August 31. The commission is supposed to have three Democrats and three Republicans, but it's been limping along for years with just four members, two from each party. The resignation announcement by Republican commissioner Matthew Petersen yesterday leaves the FEC without a quorum, so it will be unable to pass new rules, vote to punish electoral wrongdoers, or accomplish much of anything beyond routine functions like collecting and publishing campaign donation information (which remains a very big deal). The FEC has for years been criticized for partisan deadlocks due to its structure. Now it will be literally powerless, which is probably how Mitch McConnell likes it.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Launches Website For Future Grifting Purposes, Whatever They Might Be!

She should never work in politics again. Ever. But she's probably going to.

We'd hoped Sarah Huckabee Sanders had gone away forever, never to darken our lives with her bullshit again, but she Just. Won't. Go. Away. Sanders launched a new personal website Monday, which Politico describes (repeatedly) as "sleek" and "high-polish."

Let's take a look:

We're a little disappointed that no one thought to buy the URL "sarahhuckabeesanders.com" and use it to solicit donations for the First Amendment Project. The landing page is designed as if Sanders believes she has a future in politics, which, considering today's GOP, is probably true, even though the woman has zero credibility as a public official. The featured photo is also misleading because she's shown addressing the press without her usual Super Soaker filled with cat pee. (FACTCHECK: she did not actually use a Super Soaker filled with cat pee during her few briefings. That's just how they made everyone feel.)

Keep reading... Show less
economics

Trump Declares Victory In All Trade Wars, HEREBY ORDERS Stock Market To Rise

So easy to win.

This is no way to run a railroad. Even when he's overseas, humiliating us all at the G7 meeting in France, President Thirsty Bitch found time to fan the flames of a Chinese trade war, while simultaneously taking credit for ending the trade war by signing all the agreements! That train is never late.

On Friday, China announced it was doubling tariffs from five to 10 percent on $75 billion of American imports, such as soybeans, beef, pork and crude oil, starting in September. Duties on American vehicles and car parts will increase from five to 25 percent on December 15. That's in addition to its already planned ban on all agricultural imports from US America.

Naturally, White House trade adviser Peter Navarro was dispatched to CNN to discuss what sounded like it could be his browser history, saying, "They signal once again to the American public that China wants to buckle our knee so that they can keep having their way with us." And Donald Trump tweeted out that Chinese President Xi Jinping is an enemy of America, perhaps an even greater enemy than Jay Powell, the man Trump himself appointed to run the Federal Reserve. So, you know that Xi is a bad hombre!

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc