Trump

Trump Not Bunker Baby, Trump INSPECTOR BUNKER BABY!

You guys.

Here's a good one for your Trump Lying For No Reason file.

Donald Trump is now insisting to Fox News's Brian Kilmeade that he wasn't HIDING in the White House bunker, he was just INSPECTING it.

"It was a false report. I wasn't down," Trump said during an appearance on "Brian Kilmeade Show" on Fox Radio. "I went down during the day, and I was there for a tiny little short period of time, and it was much more for an inspection. There was no problem during the day."

OK. And this is what made him so upset that he orchestrated a declaration of fascism involving an upside-down Bible using a church that doesn't want him as a prop, and resulted in the gassing of the priest of that church.

That'll show America to make fun of Trump hiding in bunkers! That's #InspectorBunkerBitch to you! Say his name!

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lawsplainer

Everything You Wanted To Know About 'Can Trump Insurrection Act Us' But Were Correctly Afraid To Ask

A lawsplainer.

Just before Trump had law enforcement violently disperse peaceful protesters in Lafayette Park (at the personal direction of Reichsminister Bill Bar) with rubber bullets and tear gas so he could get a photo op at a church, he threatened to send in the military to break up protests against police brutality.

Trump, who last month called heavily armed white people threatening Michigan lawmakers "very good people," declared the current anti-racism protests "acts of domestic terror" and called for governors to "deploy the National Guard in sufficient numbers" to "dominate the streets." He also said:

If a city or state refuses to take the actions that are necessary to defend the life and property of their residents, then I will deploy the United States military and quickly solve the problem for them.

And then he took to Twitter yesterday to second Tom Cotton's call to send in the 101st Airborne, an infantry division of the US Army specifically trained to conduct air assault operations.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?

The TL;DR is that an old ass law gives the president the authority to use troops as support for domestic law enforcement in certain situations. It's rarely used, since the president siccing the military on the American people is generally frowned upon. But the world actually ended in 2012 and we are in hell, so here we are.

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justice department

Bill Barr Got DIRTY Yesterday

Guess who gave the order to clear the area so Trump could waddle across the street and hold a Bible upside down? NO YOU GUESS!

Oh, fiddle! Does Wonkette owe an apology to Joint Chiefs chair Mark Milley and Defense Secretary The Other Guy Named Mark, who today through a Defense Department spokesperson expressed shock and sadness because they had NO IDEA Trump was about to tear-gas those peaceful American protesters so he could walk across the street and desecrate a Bible and a church for his latest fascist Choose-Your-Own-Adventure photo op?

No, Wonkette in fact does not owe Milley and Esper an apology, because we didn't say they were lying. We said, and we quote, "Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you," and we made fun of them for not knowing that when you lie down in shit, you get covered in Trump, or however the expression goes.

But it turns out those guys really might not have known exactly what was going to happen, especially the part about law enforcement attacking American citizens on Trump's orders, because the Washington Post is reporting who personally requested that little stunt:

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China

Mike Pompeo Tear-Gasses Irony, Rolls Over It With A Tank

Luckily China is there to blow that gas right back into his face. Ni hao!

Some days the irony is just too much. Too bitter, too stinging, too piercingly obvious, and all you can do is cover your ears and wait for the klaxons to stop, for the love of God.

Today is (yet another) one of those days.

After the military descended on the nation's capital last night and gassed Americans peacefully exercising their First Amendment rights so the president could foist himself on an unwilling church for a photo op, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is cosplaying as a moral avatar for the world.

Shot.

Secretary Pompeo announces 2:30 meeting with survivors of Tiananmen Square Massacre.

And chaser.

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