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Media/Entertainment

Laura Ingraham Joins Other Conservatives In Grifting The Socks Off Their Supporters

Let's sip some tea and enjoy!

Laura Ingraham, one of the worst people alive, is charging suckers for a podcast that doesn't exist. I'd also pay to never hear Ingraham's voice, but her podcast subscribers for some reason expected more for their money. The Fox News host quit her daily radio show last year so she could spend more time being racist with her family. Ingraham could presumably record her podcast at home in her comfy slippers and white hood. She tried it for a while, like a human soul, but after a few months she tired of the podcast. The last one, featuring Newt Gingrich lying about impeachment, came out September 30.

Ingraham's official website still sells advertising and $49.95 annual subscriptions for "The Laura Ingraham Podcast." The subscriptions are auto-renewable, which offers her listeners the convenience of regularly charging their credit cards until the end of time. "A source close" to Ingraham told The Daily Beast in October that the show would return. It is now December and Ingraham is too busy preparing to rob all the homes in Whoville to bother. It's not even mentioned anymore on her Twitter bio, which has resulted in desperate followers directly asking Maleficent's meaner sorority sister what's up.

Suck-suck-suck-sucker!Twitter

Conservatives are funny. If this were a government program, they'd show a lot less patience. They spent most of Thanksgiving complaining about Medicare and the Portland Arts Tax, but they won't accept that Ingraham sold them some overpriced band equipment and skipped town. Of course, Ingraham's not an imaginary woman of color living like the Queen on the white taxpayer's dime. She's a white woman ripping off stupid white people. That's not welfare. That's white-on-white capitalism.

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News

Who Shall Build The Wall? Oh, Just Some Fox Dude Who Loves Licking Trump's Butt

Why yes, dude's also involved with the private WALL enthusiasts.

After Donald Trump personally lobbied the Army Corps of Engineers to award WALL contracts to a North Dakota contractor who repeatedly promoted his business on Fox News, the Defense Department announced Monday it had given that company a $400 million contract to build some WALL in an Arizona wildlife refuge. The Washington Post reports the company, North Dakota-based Fisher Sand and Gravel, got a contract to build 31 miles of new WALL in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge in Yuma County, Arizona. And you just know this was a triumph of the free market, where the best jobs get done by the best people!

Or possibly not!

Trump has repeatedly pushed for Fisher to get a wall-building contract, urging officials with the Army Corps of Engineers to pick the firm — only to be told that Fisher's bids did not meet standards. Trump's entreaties on behalf of the company have concerned some officials who are unaccustomed to a president getting personally involved in the intricacies of government contracting.

Trump has been enamored with Tommy Fisher, the company's chief executive, who has made multiple appearances on Fox News to promote his firm and insists that it would do a better job than those the government had already chosen. The company's attorneys did not immediately respond to requests for comment late Monday.

Sometimes the Invisible Hand needs a bit of guidance, is all.

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Ukraine

Giuliani Wanted The Corrupt Ukrainian Prosecutor To Pay Him To ... Look, It's Complicated

No flowchart can handle it!

If you're not the customer, you're the product. Every 15-year-old on TikTok knows this, and yet President Dementor persists in believing that his free lawyer Rudy Giuliani is representing his personal interests, rather than selling access to the DOJ and the State Department, which flung their doors open to accommodate the president's personal attorney. Because Donald Trump is A IDIOT, but the Ukrainians are not. Which is why they tried to hand over cold, hard cash to get Rudy to plead their case to Attorney General Bill Barr.

The Washington Post reports that in February, while he was digging for dirt on Joe Biden in Ukraine, Giuliani was simultaneously negotiating with the county's top prosecutor, Yuriy Lutsenko, to represent the Ukrainian government in a bid to recover assets stolen under the previous regime and allegedly routed into American bank accounts. Lutsenko, who has since been fired by President Volodymr Zelenskyy, was ostensibly seeking a meeting with Barr to discuss asset recovery. Lutsenko told local publication Ukrainian Truth that Giuliani said the only way a foreign government could get in front of the DOJ was to hire a lobbyist, but the noble Ukrainian prosecutor steadfastly refused to pony up cash for access, claiming, "I said that I am the prosecutor general of Ukraine and will not pay a dime."

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Post-Racial America

Baltimore Kids Boo-Urns Melania Trump, Nation So Sad About It

If 'Tomi Lahren' is 'nation,' sure why not.

It looks like children don't like Melanie Trump any more than I do, and children eat their own boogers. The first lady showed her sorry ass at the B'More Youth Summit on Opioid Awareness yesterday, and a roomful of students greeted her with boos. If you think that's shockingly rude, keep in mind she was in Baltimore, Maryland, a city Donald Trump -- the man she married on a dare -- called a "disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess" where "no human being would want to live." The president gave his scathing TripAdviser review in July. They're probably still real mad.

Melania told the middle and high school students in attendance that "I'm in this fight for you, and I'm fighting for you." Some of the younger kids might still believe in Santa Claus, but none of them were dumb enough to believe this. She proceeded to share some warmed-over stale "just say no" pablum. The best thing I can say about her speech is that her coat was fierce.

The holiday season is starting, so we all need to spend quality time with our families watching kids boo Melania Trump. Enjoy!

Melania Trump Loudly Booed At Opioid Summit In Baltimore | Craig Melvin | MSNBC youtu.be

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Trump

Trump's Greatest Achievement: The Year 2020 Will Occur On His Watch

He's not very bright, is he?

August 2020 will mark a century since women won the right to vote -- in the US -- as if they were humans and everything. Unfortunately, no matter how hard Nancy Pelosi tries, Donald Trump will most likely be president during this momentous occasion. Monday Trump signed the Women's Suffrage Centennial Commemorative Coin Act, and the super genius wondered why we waited until now to celebrate a centennial.

President Trump Participates in a Signing Ceremony for the Woman's Suffrage Centennial Coin Act youtu.be

THE ACTUAL FUCKING PRESIDENT: I'm curious why wasn't it done a long time ago.

Because it's a centennial coin. You need 100 years to make a century. These aren't my rules. Talk to the ancient Babylonians. This was the sort of TV sitcom "idiot boss" moment that makes you almost forget the current president is an accused sexual predator who extorts desperate foreign nations. Trump said himself that the Centennial Coin Act "directs the Treasury Department to issue 400,000 $1 silver coins in a commemoration of the 100th anniversary of women securing the right to vote." The coins will honor women who would've declined to stay in the same room with Trump, such as Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Harriet Tubman, and Ida B. Wells.

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Ukraine

Mick Mulvaney #BeBest At Trying To Make Trump's Ukraine Crimes Great Again

GET OVER IT!

Public hearings in the House may be over (for now, we don't really know what's coming), but that doesn't mean evidence of crimes committed by Trump Inc. aren't still rushing toward us at one million American kilometers per hour. It's like a tsunami, except instead of delivering confused fish unto the seashore, it's delivering evidence unto us!

The Washington Post has new things to report about (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's involvement in Donald Trump's Ukraine extortion crime scheme, as well as his efforts to cover up the White House's withholding of desperately needed military aid for Ukraine that had already been appropriated by Congress. The news is coming out because the White House Counsel's Office has been doing an internal look-see at what happened, the same review we wrote about weeks back, where it seemed like the White House was going to try to scapegoat NSC lawyer John Eisenberg (and ONLY HIM) for putting the transcript of Trump's treason call with Ukraine on the secret Bin Laden server, where they keep America's deepest secrets and also Trump's most embarrassing treason calls with foreign leaders.

We should mention that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone haaaaaaaaaate Mick Mulvaney, because that is a relevant fact.

Cipollone's review has found Mulvaney schemin' and gettin' buck wild trying to invent after-the-fact legal justifications for the hold, which was factcheck illegal, according to many concerned administration officials:

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Military

Why Did Trump Sh*tcan Secretary Of The Navy?

It's another edition of 'Rashomon On The Potomac'!

Donald Trump's Secretary of the Navy, Richard V. Spencer, resigned yesterday after being told to pack his bags by Defense Secretary Mark Esper. Spencer was officially forced out of his job because he tried to set up a secret deal to allow an accused war criminal to makes a semi-graceful exit from the Navy without first running it past Esper. But supporters of Spencer say the Navy secretary became the fall guy when he attempted to protect the military justice system from Trump's meddling. One thing's for sure: Donald Trump really doesn't give two shits about "justice" if it means American fighting men might get in trouble just for killing a bunch of foreigners whose lives don't matter anyway.

Spencer's resignation came about after Trump objected last week to the Navy proceeding with a disciplinary hearing for Chief Petty Officer Edward Gallagher, the Navy SEAL who was accused by his own platoon of murdering an injured teenaged ISIS fighter who had been captured, and of randomly shooting at civilians in Iraq. Gallagher was acquitted of the killing at court martial, but was found guilty of posing for trophy shots with the prisoner's corpse, just as any red-blooded psychopath would. On November 15, Trump reversed the Navy's decision to reduce Gallagher in rank, and also pardoned two other accused or convicted war criminals, because he loves the Troops, especially the ones like Gallagher, who's on Fox News all the time.

When the Navy nonetheless insisted on holding a hearing to take away Gallagher's "Trident" pin -- his SEAL insignia -- Trump tweeted that the Navy would do no such thing, because as commander-in-chief, Trump Is The Law. This led to understandable concern among military brass, because while the military is definitely under the command of the "president," the military justice system is supposed to be sacrosanct, not subject to political whim, especially when it comes to individual cases.

The Washington Post reports that Esper forced Spencer to resign after Spencer

privately proposed to White House officials that he would ensure that Gallagher retired as a Navy SEAL, with his Trident insignia, if they did not interfere with a review board convened to determine his fitness to stay in the elite force.

According to a Pentagon spokesperson, Spencer had to go because he hadn't told Esper of the plan, and because the secret deal contradicted Spencer's public opposition to Trump's interference in the case. Shame on you, Richard Spencer, for going outside the chain of command and betraying your ethical commitments! But as Post columnist David Ignatius reports, the reality may be a bit more complicated. Sources told Ignatius that Spencer had been trying to find a face-saving way to keep Trump from directly ordering the Navy to drop its probe, while also getting Gallagher out of the service with the shiny gold pin that said he was still a SEAL, to keep Trump happy.

After that Trump tweet, Spencer cautioned acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney that he would not overturn the planned SEAL peer review of Gallagher without a direct presidential order; he privately told associates that if such an order came, he might resign rather than carry it out. Gen. Mark A. Milley, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, spoke with the White House late Thursday to try to avert this collision.

Milley's de-escalation efforts initially appeared to be successful. A Pentagon official messaged me Friday morning: "Missiles back in their silos … for the time being." But the truce was short-lived. By Saturday, the White House was demanding to know whether Spencer had threatened to resign; the Navy secretary issued a statement denying that he had made any such public threat and continued to seek a deal that would protect the Navy from a direct showdown with Trump.

The proposed side deal, in this telling, was a "hold-your-nose solution," according to a "source close to Spencer." Instead, the whole thing fell apart and Spencer was forced out.

Oh, yes, and Gallagher happens to be represented by two former law partners of Rudy Giuliani, as Ignatius notes, "investigator Bernard Kerik, a former New York police commissioner, and Marc Mukasey, who represents Trump." Just in case there were any question about whose ass is loved by whom.

Spencer wrote Trump a good fuck-you letter on the way out at least:

In the letter, Spencer explains he can't keep serving a guy who thinks he can make up the law as he goes along:

As Secretary of the Navy, one the most important responsibilities I have to our people is to maintain good order and discipline throughout the ranks. I regard this as deadly serious business. The lives of our Sailors, Marines and civilian teammates quite literally depend on the professional execution of our many missions, and they also depend on the ongoing faith and support of the people we serve and the allies we serve alongside.

The rule of law is what sets us apart from our adversaries. Good order and discipline is what has enabled our victory against foreign tyranny time and again [...] The Constitution, and the Uniform Code of Military Justice, are the shields that set us apart, and the beacons that protect us all.

In a pointed echo of former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis's Farewell to Arseholes last year, Spencer writes,

Unfortunately it has become apparent that in this respect, I no longer share the same understanding with the Commander in Chief who appointed me, in regards to the key principle of good order and discipline. I cannot in good conscience obey an order that I believe violates the sacred oath I took in the presence of my family, my flag and my faith to support and defend the Constitution of the United States. The President deserves and should expect a Secretary of the Navy who is aligned with his vision for the future[.]

Translation: It was a good ride, but I can't stand by this tinpot dictator, bye!

And as Ignatius notes, the really troubling thing is that it looks like Esper can. For all the talk of Spencer's supposedly underhanded double-dealing, the practical result here is that Gallagher will keep his SEAL status and his restoration in rank, and the military will go along with Trump's interference in war crimes trials.

It's a great day to be lawless!

[WaPo / NYT / WaPo / CNN]

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2016 Presidential Election

Rudy And The Chucklefux Were Shaking Down ALLLLL The Oligarchs, ALLEGEDLY

A scam so nice, they had to run it twice!

Rudy Giuliani has lost his damn mind! The New York Times has finally confirmed what we've suspected all along -- that Giuliani sent Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman to persuade Ukrainian oligarchs to dig up dirt on Joe Biden to make their American legal problems go away. First he ran the play with Dmitry Firtash, who's facing extradition to the US on federal bribery charges. Then he twisted the arm of Ukraine's then-president Petro Poroshenko, who actually agreed to open investigations of the Bidens and the bullshit theories about Ukrainian interference in the 2016 US election. And then when Poroshenko lost his reelection bid, Rudy sent Parnas and Fruman to offer the Firtash deal to oligarch Ihor Kolomoisky, who was close to President-elect Volodymyr Zelenskyy and facing possible bank fraud charges of his own in the US. All with the blessing of the president of the United States. HO. LEE. SHIT.

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Impeachment

The Legend of Zeldin: Impeachment Time!

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

We begin this week's Sunday show rundown with CNN's "State Of The Union," where Jake Tapper decided to spill a little tea at the top of the show before beginning his interview:

TAPPER: Over the past two weeks, you have heard damning allegations about the president and his administration from various government officials in the impeachment inquiry. To respond, we invited the top Republican leaders in the House and in the Senate, as well as the president's legal team and officials from the White House, to join us on the show today. They all declined our requests. But joining me now is one of the president's strongest supporters in the House of Representatives, Republican Congressman Lee Zeldin of New York's First Congressional District...

What a sterling introduction! Nothing says "thanks for joining us" like being introduced as the C-squad/consolation prize of Trump defenders while most of the main ones are still licking their wounds from the impeachment hearings last week. But Zeldin tried his best to parrot out the same "no demand, no pressure, no quid pro quo" or "no linkage" while trying to say the Ukrainians did not know about the aid being held until AFTER the infamous July 25 call. Tapper, however, quickly interjected to correct the record:

TAPPER: But I guess a couple points. One, it came out in testimony this week that the Ukrainians did know that the aid was on hold before the phone call. I don't know what Zelensky knew or didn't know, but the Ukrainian government did know. That's one. And, two, we already had Mick Mulvaney come out and say, in front of the cameras, that there was an explicit quid pro quo, that the aid was being held up until -- in part, one of the reasons that it was being held up was because President Trump wanted the Ukrainians to commit to an investigation into Ukraine in 2016. I mean, Mulvaney has already said that that was one of the reasons that the aid was held up.
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Trump

Donald Trump Hides In His Room So You Evil Gnomes Can't Steal His Magic Bag

Just holing up in the Residence like a perfectly normal president.

Donald Trump is well along in his transformation into a reclusive hermit like Howard Hughes, according to a Politico report published Sunday, although the "president" hasn't yet stopped cutting his nails or taken to wandering around with Kleenex boxes on his feet -- as far as anyone knows. Even odds that he's already storing his urine in jars, though, especially given top backer Robert Mercer's fondness for that wacky Oregon pee doctor. Politico reports Trump has increasingly shunned the Oval Office because he doesn't trust all those disloyal monsters who somehow ended up working for him, and prefers to "work" in the White House residence where he won't be bothered by staffers. Easier to barricade, too.

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Impeachment

Giuliani-Chucklefux-Hairball Lawyers-Dmitry Firtash Traveling Band: Now With MORE COWBELL!

How you livin', Devin Nunes?

HOLY COW! Devin Nunes is even deeper in the manure than even we thought! In a massive Friday night news dump (betcha Daily Beast was hot on their trail), CNN busted the GOP plot to smear Joe Biden wide open. Remember Thursday the Beast reported Devin's four-day, taxpayer-funded field trip facilitated by Lev Parnas to A COUNTRY in Europe last December? Well! Turns out Devin and three congressional aides spent $4,000 per day, per person, of your money to jet off to Vienna and pump corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin for dirt on Joe Biden. So Nunes has been part of this drug deal from the very beginning.

"Mr. Parnas learned from former Ukrainian Prosecutor General Victor Shokin that Nunes had met with Shokin in Vienna last December," Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy told CNN. So a full year ago, before Joe Biden had even declared his candidacy, Devin Nunes was using government resources to smear him in cahoots with the president's former attorney and his Ukrainian-American fixer? Cool, cool.

Nunes himself spoke to Parnas at least three times about Ukraine, and he didn't think that was worthy of mention in testimony that prominently featured Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas's schemes? Instead he spent the entire hearing howling that Chairman Adam Schiff COLLUDED with the whistleblower by telling his lawyer to file a formal complaint?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING US WITH THIS SHIT?

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White House

What's White House Press Sec Stephanie Grisham Lying About Today?

Press secretary claims Obama staffers hid all the bathrooms from her.

We've all seen this horror film: Young woman moves into an old home and the angry spirits of the former residents torment her and try to drive her insane. She finds messages from them everywhere: YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT! LEAVE NOW! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE PRESS SECRETARY!

That's the Jordan Peele-style thriller part-time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is pitching. She doesn't often give interviews, but when she does, she likes to share Halloween stories two weeks late. This is what she told a Norfolk, Virginia, radio station today.

PROFESSIONAL LIAR: We came into the White House, I'll tell you something. Every office was filled with Obama books, and we had notes left behind that said, "You will fail." "You aren't going to make it."

This is the type of deranged, easily disproven lie that makes you question Grisham's sanity. I know it feels like 100 years ago, but the Electoral College gave us Donald Trump in 2016. People have cameras on their phone. If the ghosts of Obama administrations past tried to terrify incoming Trump staffers, we'd have known about it. This ain't Amityville

The Shining (1980) - Redrum Scene (5/7) | Movieclips www.youtube.com

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Trump impeachment hearings

The GOP Has Found Its Star Witness*

*Star witness will confirm all prior testimony and call it alarming but refuse to call it 'illegal' per se.

Republicans have seized on a rare piece of good news. National Security Council Senior Director Tim Morrison, a former House GOP staffer, testified that Donald Trump's shakedown call with President Zelenskiy was not, in his opinion, ILLEGAL. So NO IMPEACHMENT, pack it in Shifty Schiff, Witch Huntghazi is DUNZO!!!!1!! Plus Morrison threw some dirt on Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman and Fiona Hill, so hey BONUS!

Sure Morrison hotfooted it directly to NSC lawyer John Eisenberg directly after the president's perfect, perfect July 25 phone call, but that was only because he was worried about it leaking. Not because he was alarmed that Trump was extorting a foreign head of state to frame his likely electoral opponent, of course, but because he was "concerned about how the Ukrainians would internalize that" and worried that "politicizing Ukraine" would "cost bipartisan support" for that country.

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Trump

Lowlife Criminal President Trump Pardons Lowlife War Criminals

Let's hope Bill Cosby isn't next.

Donald Trump has a soft spot for criminals, and he apparently likes vicious psychopaths most of all. He used his vast presidential powers of corruption Friday to clear three armed services members who'd been convicted or accused of war crimes. The evidence of wrongdoing against all three men was far more compelling than whatever convinced Trump of the Central Park Five's guilt.

The president pardoned Maj. Mathew L. Golsteyn, whom the Army charged in December with the premeditated murder of an Afghan man. Golsteyn confessed to the 2010 shooting. He thought the man might be a terrorist bomb maker and might kill other people if he didn't kill him first. Trump didn't bother to wait for Golsteyn to stand trial, because he doesn't believe God created white men to sit around in a courtroom dealing with juries. He whined last month on Twitter that "we train our boys to be killing machines, then prosecute them when they kill!" That's why we almost feel sorry for John Malkovich's character from In the Line of Fire, but it has crap all to do with real life and actual military engagement.

Trump also reversed the demotion of Chief Petty Officer Edward Gallagher. This asshole was already found not guilty in July of the first degree murder of an ISIS prisoner and the attempted murder of civilians. Members of his own unit testified that Gallagher fired rockets randomly into civilian neighborhoods in Afghanistan, murdered an old man and a little girl with sniper fire, and stabbed a teenage detainee to death. This was pretty damning, but the defense appealed to the generation gap.

Prosecutors held [Gallagher's accusers] up as courageous whistle-blowers who broke the SEAL code of silence to stop a rogue chief who was on a track to higher leadership positions. The defense painted the accusers as scared and entitled millennials who could not meet their chief's high expectations, and fabricated war-crimes allegations to take him down.

OK, boomer, but Gallagher was convicted of posing for photos with the teenage prisoner's dead body. He admitted to this, and while ghoulish, it unfortunately lacked the "pizzazz" of confessing to ordering a "code red." He barely received a slap on the wrist. The commander in chief did congratulate him for legal victory, as if Gallagher had won the reality competition show "Who Wants To Get Away With War Crimes?"

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Trump

President Coronary Thrombosis Perfectly Healthy, Just Likes Making Surprise Hospital Visits

Don't go wishing for Trump's death in the comments, please. Even though.

Did the president have a heart attack this weekend? We should know enough not to expect a straight answer. Donald Trump made an unscheduled trip Saturday to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. Sources reportedly told Andrew Vernon, a contributor to The Hill, that Trump was being examined for chest pain. That seems a more likely explanation than what part time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham offered us. She said in a statement that Trump had some down time so he proactively went to the hospital to have his oil changed.

GRISHAM: Anticipating a very busy 2020, the President is taking advantage of a free weekend here in Washington, D.C., to begin portions of his routine annual physical exam at Walter Reed.

That's hard to believe even if the White House or the press secretary had any credibility. Trump is lazy. He's not someone who gets a jump on things. He's not my wife (thank God). Grisham implies that Trump's weekends are otherwise jam-packed with work, but he usually plays golf like a retired person with no interesting hobbies. He watched The Joker Saturday night, and that seems more like how Trump would spend all his non-crime-related free time. I just don't believe he would voluntarily go to a doctor unless he was in serious discomfort.

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Ukraine

Witness Confirms Gordon Sondland A GODDAMN IDIOT

Not allegedly.

Why the hell did Gordon Sondland ever agree to testify before Congress? Was there some moment back in October when he thought to himself, "Sure, three State Department employees overheard me assure Trump that Zelenskiy would do 'all the investigations' because 'he loves your ass,' but I can just deny it when I testify and it will all be cool?" Because there was no version of events where Sondland could tell the truth and have it be okay. There was only perjury-trapping himself like a common Roger Stone, or SHUTTING THE HELL UP. Which he could easily have done, since half the executive branch already told Congress to get bent and lived to derp another day.

Instead, Sondland went in and told a whole passel of half-truths (we are kind on a Monday!) about stupid shit he did in front of dozens of witnesses, after marching through Europe cheerfully announcing to anyone who would listen that he was on a mission from the president to subvert American foreign policy to support his re-election campaign.

WHYYYYYYY?????

After an exhaustive examination of the record, we have arrived at the only possible explanation: Gordon Sondland is A IDIOT. There is unanimous agreement on this point among all the impeachment witnesses, most recently David Holmes, the political counselor at our Ukrainian embassy, who described for House investigators Friday how they got saddled with Ambassador Buttinsky:

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