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Post-Racial America

Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

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News

Sad Trump Too Sad To President, Needs Exercise Wheel Or Maybe A War

Or maybe just a time out.

Now that the blue wave has actually happened and there aren't any more campaign rallies to tell him he's loved the best, Donald Trump is reacting as any normal US president would, according to the Los Angeles Times: he's become a very grumpy, snappish, no-fun guy, just locking himself in his room and listening to "I am a Rock" over and over, blubbering at the line "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." (Haha, that is silly. When Donald Trump feels emo, he just watches that old McDonald's ad with him and Grimace, then tries again to see if HR McMaster will let him nuke California. The answer keeps coming back "no," but maybe someday.)

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popular

NO CHAOS! NO CHAOS! YOU'RE THE ... Wait, Melania's Firing NSC Staffers Now?

It's a well-oiled machine.

Yesterday, Melania Trump celebrated World Kindness Day by greeting visitors to the White House.

Then she dispatched her spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham to shit-talk to reporters about Deputy National Security Advisor Mira Ricardel and publicly call for her to be You're Fired.

"It is the position of the office of the first lady that she no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House."

Kindness is key!

It seems that Ricardel was insufficiently deferential to Her Highness over the use of National Security Council resources for her trip to Africa. FLOTUS wants a plane load of adoring aides to follow along as she poses in a pith helmet with brown babies, and FLOTUS intends to get it!

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Russia

Everyone Is 'You're Fired.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Nov. 14, 2018

Trump has locked himself in his room, an alt-right nutjob is arrested, and Nancy Pelosi gets ready for war. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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White House

CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN

OK maybe they're just suing the Trump administration over how it's being all fascist and shit.

CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.

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News

President #NeverMoist Got His Ass Chapped About SOMETHIN' Today. Wonder What!

Aw, did somebody get some bad news?

Yesterday was a national holiday, which means President Lazy Ass spent the whole entire morning in his boudoir, grunting around under the covers with his phone and refusing to answer the door when mean John Kelly tried to knock and make him GO TO WORK, DAMMIT. On top of his normal morning stuff -- cacophonous waterbed farts, "Fox & Friends" and narcissism -- he decided it was time to desperately try to rewrite the narrative, already set in stone, that he is a piece of shit who embarrassed America on his trip to Paris; who cried like a baby because none of the parades in France were personally for him; who made up lies about how he couldn't go visit the graves of 50,000 Americans who died in war because of how his helicopter couldn't possibly fly in France's "partly cloudy with a chance of moist" conditions LAND HURRICANES; and who, upon arrival back in the United States, couldn't be bothered to travel two miles to lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on VETERANS DAY, because, again, he couldn't deal with getting his hair wet in the it wasn't actually raining LAND HURRICANES, which apparently followed him back from France.

Maybe he has rabies and can't even risk touching water, we don't know.

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Post-Racial America

Kirstjen Nielsen Quitting To Lock Babies In Cages In The Private Sector

Don't let the doorknob hitya...

BYE, KIRSTJEN! Looks like you'll finally be able to take that vacation to Norway, the multicultural wonderland of the north. Quick, stick a few of those cool tinfoil blankets in your pocketbook, just in case they deactivate your badge while you're in the ladies room!

The Washington Post reports that Trump will be giving Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen the boot any second now. Apparently, she failed to grasp that you can't just tell Trump the crazy shit he wants to do is illegal. You have to smile and nod, then try to keep a low profile while staying one step ahead of the law. DUH.

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Russia

Kellyanne Conway Knows Who Is An Idiot, And It Is Her Husband

Oh boy.

Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.

Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...

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WARBLOGGING

Trump's European Vacation. Wonkagenda For Mon., Nov. 12, 2018

World leaders rain on Trump's parade, ICE is detaining even more people, and Democrats are loading their subpoena cannon. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Why Does Trump Keep Going Full Racist On Black Women Reporters? Oh Well Guess We'll Never Know

IT IS A MYSTERY.

When the White House revoked CNN reporter Jim Acosta's hard pass, Sarah Huckabee Sanders's "lie-splanation" was that Acosta had "mistreated" a woman intern when he resisted her attempts to mug him, and if there's anything Donald Trump's administration won't tolerate, it's mistreatment of women. Unless they're reporters or, worse, black women reporters. Then it's game on!

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Culture

Michelle Obama Said A Mean About Donald Trump And Made Him Cry

God, we love this woman.

Michelle Obama has written a memoir, Becoming, that you should all pre-order right now so you can rejoice in the majesty of her life. She's always been real, unlike the current cubic zirconia first lady, so you might wonder how much real-er she can manage to be. Well, Obama easily ascends to the top of the Cheryl Lynn scale of realness when she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage 20 years ago that left her feeling "lost" and "alone." She also shares for the first time that both her daughters, Malia and Sasha, were conceived through in vitro fertilization.

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Post-Racial America

Donald Trump Ends Asylum, Stephen Miller Sad We're Not Shooting Refugees Yet

New rule: Asylum only for Russian workers at Trump resorts. Maybe Norwegians, too, we'll see.

The Trump administration is rolling out some truly evil fuckery on immigration today, rewriting how the US considers the cases of people asking for asylum at the southern border. In essence, the new directive will trash the asylum laws as written by Congress so that only people applying for asylum after crossing the border at an official port of entry will be considered. Those crossing outside ports of entry will be far more likely to be subject to immediate deportation. The new rules, expected to go into effect almost immediately, are likely to be challenged in court the moment they're implemented, since the Executive branch is attempting to override established law. Trump apparently figures his Supreme Court will let him do whatever he wants, and with his new crowd of creeps, he might even be right, who knows?

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White House

Jim Acosta Nudged White House Intern To Death, But She Got Better

White House now literally distributing fake news. But we still see Trump crapping all over the Mueller investigation.

After yesterday's completely fuckbonkers press conference with Donald Trump, the White House announced it was suspending press credentials for CNN's Jim Acosta. Acosta had angered the Great Man by asking too many questions yesterday, including one where he challenged Trump's characterization of Central American asylum seekers as an "invasion," and, after Trump told him to sit down and shut up, another in which he asked about the pipe bombs sent to CNN, which prompted Trump to say, "When you report fake news, you are the enemy of the people." Not that Trump was condoning violence, because Trump would never do such a thing except when he fantasizes about punching protesters in the face or declares a congressman who body-slammed a reporter for asking a question "my kind of guy."

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Russia

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

The Mueller killer is IN THE HOUSE.

Okay, NOW WE PANIC. Trump firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and shoehorning in partisan meathead Matthew Whitaker to murder the Mueller investigation during the lame duck session is DEFCON 1. The White House knows Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, and Eric Swalwell are about to investigate the shit out of them, and they're reasonably confident that the Special Counsel has indictments in the works for Don Jr. for lying to Congress and conspiracy to violate campaign finance law, among other things.

Which is why John Kelly called Sessions yesterday morning and told him to get out immediately, refusing even to let the Attorney General finish out the week. If you believe Vanity Fair, the White House expected Junior to be indicted as soon as today, so they needed the Mueller slayer in place to put the kibosh on it ASAP. And this time, they weren't going to take a chance with someone ethical. Enter Matthew Whitaker, a partisan hack who isn't afraid to plunge his hands into a mixture of slime mold and shit, right on up to the shoulders.

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Culture

Trump Topples Confederate Monument Jeff Sessions. No One Black Will Miss Him

The line to dance on Sessions's political grave starts behind the ghost of Coretta Scott King.

Jeff Sessions "resigned" as attorney general Wednesday, and African Americans across the country living, dead, and somewhere in between, are rejoicing. Now, we are sensible people. We understand that Donald Trump whacked Sessions for no honorable reason, almost certainly to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation. We get that the acting attorney general, Matthew Whitaker, literally wrote a cover letter for the job posing as a CNN op-ed stating that Robert Mueller's investigation had "gone too far."

Just listen to us for a moment, white people: We know that Trump is shredding the rule of law and we've just advanced a few rounds in the fascism home game. We're going to be sad later, but just let us be happy right now. And, baby, are we happy.

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