Culture Wars

Peter Doocy Just Asking: Why Is Joe Biden Trying To Cancel Christmas?

Why, Santy Claus? Why?

It's late October, so you know what that means: War on Christmas! In keeping with the times, this year's festive rightwing panic is focused on demanding that Joe Biden fix all the weirdness of the world's pandemic economy right now, especially disruptions to the global supply chain. If he doesn't, maybe Christmas just won't come at all! For a particularly eye-rolling example, here's Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) insisting that people are calling 2021 "Biden's Blue Christmas." You've heard that, haven't you? Of course you have; Joni Ernst just said it.

Ernst added that she sure hopes the supply chain problems, caused by Joe Biden personally, don't extend all the way to the North Pole, or a lot of good little boys and girls will be very sad.

We're calling it now: The big wingnut trend this Christmas, whatever the economic reality by December, will involve rightwing parents telling their little children, "Sorry honey, Santa couldn't find the toy you wanted, and it's Joe Biden's fault. Here's a block of scrap two-by-four, maybe you can pretend it's a doll or a truck or a video game. This is what happens under socialism. Santa was cancelled."

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Charlie Kirk Geopolitics Corner: Will China Bomb Taiwan Because Of Vermont Drag Show?


Oh shitfuckdamn, the geopolitical crisis starts NOW, and we hate to say it, but it's the drag queens' fault. Which ones? All of them, obviously, but specifically some drag queens in Vermont at a football game. Pantshitting Christian Right weirdos are upset about it, that much is to be expected, but we didn't realize there was going to be maybe World War 3, but HERE WE ARE.

Charlie Kirk explains, in one of those white cisgender male rants that he imagines comes off far tougher than it does in reality, that the drag queens in Vermont are but one way "transgender garbage" is taking over America and will somehow lead to the Chinese invasion of Taiwan.

Don't say it doesn't make sense, it's not supposed to make sense, it's supposed to make white men in the exurbs poop their pants while they shoot guns in the air like pew pew pew!

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State/Local Politics

You Know When You Wake Up Mad At The Witches Who Live Two Doors Down For Something They Did In Your Dream?

Meet Rachel Hamm, who'd like to be California secretary of state. But lordy, don't piss her off!

Wonkette readers, introduce yourselves politely and carefully to Rachel Hamm, a Republican who would like to be the next secretary of state of California. Though, when you hear her story, what powers she has, what deities obey her commands, we won't blame you for thinking she ought to aim higher than secretary of state.

Hamm's announcement video is all scaremongering and bullshit lying about voter fraud, and it starts with a clip of the biggest liar God ever spat out of heaven. (Do we mean DEVIL? No, we mean Donald Trump.) Her entire platform is that elections are RIGGED! and that is definitely a concern in California, a state that came this close to going for Trump last time around.

And all of that is fine and great, but really, jackass white ladies with that Karen look on their faces complaining to the manager about Black people voting voter fraud are a fuckin' dime a dozen these days. You seen one? You seen 'em all. Can't tell white people apart, neither.

But how many GOP candidates dreamed a dream of telling Jesus to go arson murder some witches who live two doors down and Jesus was like "fuck yeah witch arson murder"? Definitely not more than five.

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It's October 2021 And Stupid Dipsh*ts Are Still Being Stupid Dipsh*ts About Masks

Your COVID roundup!

Here we are in the 20th month of the coronavirus pandemic, which we suspect will never end because of Death Cult idiots. And yet we have some good news on the pandemic all the same! Let's cover this in speed-round format, shall we? We'll start with the good stuff, and maybe end with some good stuff too.

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