White Nonsense

Child Rape Apologist Tucker Carlson Also Said Some Racist Sh*t. In Other News, Sky Blue.

More unearthed audio reveals Tucker Carlson saying incredibly racist things, as he is known to do.

On Monday night, Media Matters released a second set of recordings from Tucker Carlson's appearances on the Bubba the Love Sponge show, all of which were incredibly racist and would be very shocking, had they been said by almost anyone who wasn't Tucker Carlson. (The child-rape defenses were covered the day before.) There is a reason why all the neo-Nazis swoon over Tucker Carlson, and it's not because of his fashion sense. It is because he says the exact same things they do, every weeknight on national television.

In this second set of recordings, Carlson shared his feelings on a variety of subjects. On immigration, he said that all immigrants should be required to be "hot" or "smart," because "picking lettuce" won't help us build a stronger country years from now. Tucker Carlson, of course, would not be shit if it hadn't been for people working on farms -- he owes everything to the fact that his stepmommy was the Swanson frozen dinners heiress.

He also noted that white men "created civilization," a popular white supremacist talking point (and lie), called Iraqis "semiliterate primitive monkeys" whom he does not care about because they don't use "toilet paper" or "forks," claimed that the Congressional Black Caucus exists to unfairly "blame the white man" for everything, and shared a variety of incredibly racist thoughts about Barack and Michelle Obama.

Let's go to the tape, shall we?

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The Week In Garbage Men: When's MEN's History Month, Huh?

Every year.

Hello! It's been a while since we've done this, what with all the Nazi bullshit happening these days, but I figured it would be an appropriate time to bring it back, what with March being Women's History Month and yesterday being International Women's Day and all.

As you might imagine, the worst people on the internet have a lot of feelings about these celebrations.

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Post-Racial America

'Scary' Ilhan Omar Makes Meghan McCain Cry

Megs still supports President Trump though, because why wouldn't she?

We didn't want to write about Meghan McCain twice this week or really at all, but she went and cried on "The View" yesterday, so what choice do we have, really? McCain tearfully warned the world about the threat of global anti-Semitism, as apparently represented by a freshman House member whose every dumb statement is immediately and publicly derided.

(We're going to just refer to McCain as "Megs McCabe" for the rest of this post, so you're not inclined to treat her opinions with more respect than they deserve because her father was someone important. You're probably already thinking, "Why the hell should I care what Megs McCabe thinks?" Exactly!)

Megs McCabe starts her audition for Meritocracy in the Age of Nepotism with a passive-aggressive warning to her co-hosts, who've already had too much of her shit: She's about to discuss an "issue that's very intense" for her and she asks her co-hosts to "bear with" her, as if that's not what've they've done every damn day for the past 17 months.

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Post-Racial America

Maryland Dem Has No Idea How That Racism Fell Out Of Her Mouth!

She'd warned fellow lawmaker about campaigning in 'n word' district, but un-Bowdlerized.

Maryland Democrat Mary Ann Lisanti finally fessed up Tuesday to using a racial epithet to describe a legislative district in predominantly black Prince George's County. She's been stripped of her leadership position and will take some BS "sensitivity training." Maybe she'll also watch Roots.

Last month, Lisanti was kicking back at an Annapolis cigar bar, where nothing positive ever happens. She told another white lawmaker that when he campaigned for someone in Prince George's, he was "door-knocking on a n---r district." She must've been so wasted she'd forgotten to use the appropriate gentrification euphemisms like "sketchy" or "poor schools." Delegate Jay Walker, who is black and represents the n---r district in question, witnessed Lisanti's use of the slur. Things escalated, as they are wont to do, from there.

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White Nonsense

If You Saw Jacob Wohl At A Hipster Coffee Shop, You'd Go Find A Policeman

We are seriously worried about this dude, but not worried enough to refrain from mocking him.

USA Today has a new profile out about Jacob Wohl, the Trump starfucker diaspora's weakest and most unfuckable twinkling light, and it's worth a read if you like things that are completely shitbonkers. We've mostly been ignoring Wohl since the youngster's great #FailWeek 2018, when he invented an "intelligence" company (phone number for company: Jacob Wohl's mom's phone) so he could invent a story about Robert Mueller raping somebody, only to have his story fall apart repeatedly while he was telling it.

It's not that li'l Jacob hasn't been busy or anything. He's been in Minneapolis doing an EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION into Rep. Ilhan Omar with world's most embarrassing human person Laura Loomer, and, um ... yeah, we don't know why, and from reading his batshit Twitter feed, it sounds like they got assassinated in one of Minneapolis's non-existent "no-go" zones, but don't worry, they got better.

Behold their posse:

OH WAIT YOU CAN'T because while we were writing this he got suspended from Twitter! Just trust us, it was a COOL PICTURE of some people who probably shouldn't reproduce. (UPDATE: Just kidding, he's PERMA-BANNED. And why? Read on, and you will see!)a

And don't think Jacob Wohl stays home lonely in the evening, because he went to CIGAR NIGHT with Mike Cernovich and that douchewanker who tweeted that list of how ladies can be more fuckable.

No clarifications on exactly where they put the cigars, but sure, fine, all humans deserve good clean friendship.

ANYWAY, this newspaper profile! You can read all of it if you wanna, or you can just stick with Wonkette's very brief recap, which will tell you all the important stuff you never needed to know:

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2020 presidential election

Sunday Show GOP Idiots: Come For The Casual Racism, Stay For The ... More Casual Racism!

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!!!

Welcome to your Sunday Show rundown, where we tell you what happened on the Sunday shows and you don't regret playing hooky from watching them for even one second!

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80-Year-Old KKK-Loving Alabama Editor Ready To 'Sex Young Ladies.'


Earlier this week, it was revealed that an Alabama man named Goodloe Sutton did a thing one would fully expect an Alabama man named "Goodloe Sutton" to do -- he wrote an editorial in the the newspaper he owns all about how the KKK needs to make a comeback and start doing "night rides" again. You know, the kind where they kill people.

After the outrage over his column hit the internet, Sutton sought to clarify things by doing an interview with the Montgomery Advertiser, explaining that he wasn't advocating lynchings, he was advocating extrajudicial hangings of people whose political opinions he does not care for. Otherwise known as "lynchings."

Despite saying he isn't interested in the critical feedback he has received since Monday, Sutton did appear to care on Thursday, calling for the Advertiser to issue a correction regarding his call for lynchings by the KKK.

"When I was trying to relate to you the other day about hanging — not lynching — but hanging executions, I was going to draw a contrast between that and the French Revolution," Sutton said, referring to the "cleaner" method of the guillotine.

But the editor continued to call for the KKK to ride into Washington D.C. to conduct what he referred to as executions — "You use the word lynching; I don't."

Shockingly enough, even in this messed up timeline, this did not go over well and he has since stepped down from his position at the rather ironically titled Democrat-Reporter, and is being replaced, thankfully, by Elecia R. Dexter, a black woman -- whom we can safely assume will not be writing any "actually, lynchings were pretty great" editorials.

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White Nonsense

Laura Ingraham: Dems So Happy White Supremacist Wants To Kill Us All Because ... Jussie Smollett

Ingraham's humanity is also a hoax.

Presumably soon-to-be-ex Coast Guard officer Christopher Paul Hasson, a self-identified white supremacist, was arrested recently for allegedly planning a domestic terror attack targeting top Democrats and TV journalists, as well as as many of the nonwhite residents of the US he could find. Federal agents found 15 guns and 1,000 rounds of ammunition in his basement apartment. However, Hasson's attorney argues that the number of firearms is "modest, at best" for gun collectors in our crazy country. This is both true and terrifying.

It's also part of a clear pattern of threats against Democrats, liberals, people of color, and the press. Yet, some garbage people think we are secretly pleased that another Travis Bickle lunatic was plotting to kill us because it diverts attention from (presumably soon to be former -- oh, wait, yup!) "Empire" star Jussie Smollett's faked hate crime attack.

Smollett is a piece of garbage whose hoax exploited and diminished the suffering of actual hate crime victims. He wasted valuable Chicago police resources that could've been used to shoot black people in the back. However, no actual lives were threatened or would've been directly harmed if his scam had worked. What type of fool-flavored moron would compare these stories or think that Smollett's was objectively more important than a deranged person plotting to kill, as a start, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and presidential candidates Kirsten Gillibrand, Elizabeth Warren, Cory Booker and Kamala Harris?

This one, apparently.

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Matt Gaetz Has A Super Creepy Fetish For Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

And it is not okay!

Matt Gaetz is an asshole. Before you protest that I'm unfair, just consider the fact that the Florida congressman managed to be the ONLY no vote against a human trafficking bill, because "mission creep." Ironically, Matt is known for his own creep missions where he does anything he possibly can, including shameless political prostitution or straight up lying, just to get his name out there and get noticed. He brings Faux-Nazis to the State of the Union Address, because they happened to stop by one day. Why would a Congressman bring his own Nazi when we already had a hard breathing, snorting, orange-faced Nazi yelling at us from the podium. Why subject us to two Nazis? Cause Matt ain't shit. That's why.

But lately his hotcatshit approach to coalition building, or dating, or whatever he thought he was doing when he sent out a Jerry Madison inspired tweet to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, flies straight past the border of ridiculous and into the realm of the absurd. Because not only is Matt a right wing shithead who she would never be into; he is a right wing shit head who is a borderline stalker when it come to AOC.

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Post-Racial America

MAGA Brat Had A Bad Weekend So He'd Like $250 Million From The Washington Post, Please

Really, this kid...

The family of Nick Sandmann, whose name we only know because he voluntarily disclosed it, has filed a lawsuit against "fake news" purveyor The Washington Post. They want $250 million in damages because the Post wrote words that hurt their feelings.

We join this pity party already in progress:

"In a span of three days in January of this year commencing on January 19, the Post engaged in a modern-day form of McCarthyism by competing with CNN and NBC, among others, to claim leadership of a mainstream and social media mob of bullies which attacked, vilified, and threatened Nicholas Sandmann, an innocent secondary school child," reads the complaint.

It added, "The Post ignored basic journalist standards because it wanted to advance its well-known and easily documented, biased agenda against President Donald J. Trump by impugning individuals perceived to be supporters of the President."

The suit demonstrates that the Covington kids aren't racist by referring to Native American elder Nathan Phillips as a "phony war hero." Odd that they would blame Phillips for how the press, whom they're decrying, chose to identify him. The suit goes on to claim that Phillips is a coward who was "too intimidated" to approach the real "troublemakers," the Black Hebrew Israelites and instead focused on "innocent children." This might be the first defamation suit to defame someone else while suing for defamation.

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Post-Racial America

Proposed Civil War Memorial Would 'Both Sides' Lincoln's Assassination

John Wilkes Booth gets his own pretty portrait.

The South just can't quit their memorials to racist traitors. They regularly pitch a fit if black folks try to take down a statue honoring people who fought and died to keep us slaves. Now someone from the heritage and totally not hate crowd has proposed building a brand new one in the rural town of Taneytown, Maryland.

Sculptor Gary Casteel swears up and down, though, that the project is in truth not a Confederate monument but a National Civil War Memorial, a "balanced educational tool." The planned circular monument would measure 90 feet in diameter and feature 16 military leaders and 16 civilians. And then it gets weird.

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Post-Racial America

Sports Shop Owner Kaepernicks Himself Right Out Of Business

Nike's a bitch.


Hoisted by his own petard. This is a phrase that will come in handy in the near future when hordes of MAGA-Americans finally begin shedding their Trump-fueled psychosis, and start to take stock of the damage they have done to their own lives. For the last several years we have seen the Right engaged in games of brinkmanship, gaslighting, and the ever present and always pernicious "self owns to own the libs." That is what Stephen Martin did when he decided to rid himself of all Nike merchandise because the brand used former football player and current social justice and anti-police-violence activist Colin Kaepernick as the face of its "Just do it" campaign. In a series of wild and erratic moves that border on the ridiculous, Martin went from owner of "Prime Time Sports" and patriotic American to a sad and shameful self-owned spectacle. You see, Martin got it in his head that kneeling for the National Anthem is disrespectful to our flag and our soldiers, so when Nike hired Kaepernick, he went spiraling out of control like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. And it's all Nike's fault. Because.

Truthfully, kneeling doesn't disrespect the flag or veterans; it's the most respectful dissent possible. And before Kapaernick started kneeling -- when he was still sitting grumpily -- patriotic Americans demanded he be respectful ... and show his dissent by kneeling. Then Fox News happened. And Facebook too. And we all know what that inevitably leads to, right? Propaganda, Group-think, and something I like to call "The Patriotism of Fools" takes over the debate, leading folks to do wilder and wilder shit in the name of patriotism, until they ultimately flame out in an ugly and desperate way.

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Post-Racial America

Howard Schultz 'Doesn't See Race,' Is Stupid About Other Things Too

What a drip!

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is maybe, possibly, running for president as an "independent centrist" and someone apparently advised him that the path to the White House involves repeatedly demonstrating that he's a clueless moron. Guess it worked for the current guy.

CNN, for no good reason, devoted an entire town hall last night to a man who hasn't even declared he's running for president and has no identifiable base of support beyond the rich asshole demographic. His current polling numbers plainly reveal that he'll never be president or ever hold an elected office, because he's annoying. But he's "independent"! And he's got "ideas." Remember how he recently fixed health care with platitudes treaclier than a pumpkin spice latte? Now, he's moved on to the gun debate. We're not making progress, see, because everyone is so "partisan." The "far right" wants gun everywhere, and the "far left" wants to replace everyone's guns with love beads. The last part is a lie.

SCHULTZ: The far left wants to do everything possible to remove guns completely. I am in the middle

Yes, you're in the middle of an NRA talking point. Just when you think this town hall couldn't get any dumber, Schultz offers his solution to racism. He probably came up with this one while bouncing ideas off his limo driver.

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Post-Racial America

Ralph Northam Set To Take Refresher Course In Not Being A Racist

The most depressing Black History Month ever continues!

Ralph Northam is still the governor of Virginia and is likely to remain so. Two women have credibly accused Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax of sexual assault, and that tends to make an Al Jolson impersonator seem almost statesman like by comparison. Black Virginians have frankly thrown up their hands, as well. A recent poll shows that 58 percent of black voters think Northam should remain in office. They have no great options because the line of succession after Gov. Smooth Criminal is rapist, another guy who wore blackface, and a Republican who for all we know is blackface-curious.

Northam isn't going anywhere, but he wants us to know he feels real bad about the blackface (and presumably the guy on his yearbook page who's wearing a frickin' KKK uniform). Like someone who's gotten too many speeding tickets and has to go to traffic school, Northam has not-so voluntarily enrolled in a GED-level anti-racist course. Let's take a look at the challenging curriculum his advisers have prepared:

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Post-Racial America

Laura Ingraham Demands Gucci Keep Making Racist Sweaters To Own The Libs

She, too, still has advertisers somehow.

People of color who are neither a Diamond nor a Silk realize that Laura Ingraham is never on our side. Still, it was really something to see the Fox News host defend minstrel fashion on her white power hour last night. Here's what inspired her latest racist tirade, besides "anything to avoid talking about Jeff Bezos's sextortion": Italian designer Gucci announced Wednesday that it would stop selling a sweater that is simultaneously racist and hideous.

Seriously, yikes...Gucci

The Balaclava knit top black jumper was previously available for the absurd retail price of $890. Was it made from black people? We're not even sure what we're seeing. Is this a white woman with a racist sweater or a racist Sambo stereotype wearing a realistic-looking white woman mask? It's like the creepy optical illusion that's either a young woman or a crone depending on how drunk you are when you look at it.

Balaclavas are a legitimate form of cloth headgear, but they normally cover more of the wearer's face, like a ski mask. They also don't tend to feature large red lips for the full Al Jolson effect. Fashion is tricky. You can set out with the purest intentions of designing the ugliest sweater imaginable and end up with something hella racist. However, Gucci has human beings on staff who don't enjoy offending people, so the company quickly apologized.

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