Why, Santy Claus? Why?
It's late October, so you know what that means: War on Christmas! In keeping with the times, this year's festive rightwing panic is focused on demanding that Joe Biden fix all the weirdness of the world's pandemic economy right now, especially disruptions to the global supply chain. If he doesn't, maybe Christmas just won't come at all! For a particularly eye-rolling example, here's Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) insisting that people are calling 2021 "Biden's Blue Christmas." You've heard that, haven't you? Of course you have; Joni Ernst just said it.
the cringe factor is absolutely off the charts https://t.co/LsQV3ISwMm— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1634751881.0
Ernst added that she sure hopes the supply chain problems, caused by Joe Biden personally, don't extend all the way to the North Pole, or a lot of good little boys and girls will be very sad.
We're calling it now: The big wingnut trend this Christmas, whatever the economic reality by December, will involve rightwing parents telling their little children, "Sorry honey, Santa couldn't find the toy you wanted, and it's Joe Biden's fault. Here's a block of scrap two-by-four, maybe you can pretend it's a doll or a truck or a video game. This is what happens under socialism. Santa was cancelled."
Fox News White House correspondent Peter Doocy is doing his part to spread Christmas fear. During Thursday's daily press briefing, he invoked the specter of empty store shelves and sad little children crying because mean Joe Biden wouldn't lift a finger to make sure this year's hot toy, whatever it is, is under the tree (which also is missing, having been burned up because Joe Biden didn't rake the forests). And maybe nobody can afford Christmas anyway, because isn't runaway inflation making it impossible for anyone to afford this year's roast beast?
Here's video of Doocy dropping his usual Doocy, this time with Principal Deputy Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. We've cued the video up to his brilliant economic question: If prices are up, isn't that exactly like raising taxes? (Spoiler: no, it actually is not.)
DOOCY: You guys say that President Biden does not want to raise taxes on anyone making less than $400,000 a year, but there's a new Fox poll that finds 83 percent of registered voters are noticing bills for groceries and everyday items increasing. So how is that any different than a new tax? [...]
The supply chain is all backed up; there are bottlenecks — empty shelves, prices going up. People are paying more. And so, how is that any different than a new tax?
Empty shelves! Just like the B-roll of empty Brexit shelves that rightwingers keep tweeting as "Biden's America," please disregard the prices in pounds. It's like Soviet Russia here, and Joe Biden just doesn't care, apart from how he's been meeting with leaders from the retail sector, the shipping industry, and port officials to get things moving again.
Jean-Pierre acknowledged that yes, the pandemic has led to all sorts of disruptions, and that sucks. Maybe Doocy heard of the pandemic, and how it's been playing hell with things for a year and a half? She pointed out that of course Biden understands that's causing prices to go up, and that the administration has been "using every tool in our tool belt to make sure that we deal with that in a real way."
And no, kinks in the supply chain don't point to disaster; they mean that as the US economy recovers, there's more demand than can be met, which is inconvenient for people wanting a new couch, but temporary. She noted that the economy has, on average, been adding 600,000 jobs per month, and that unemployment is going down, with nearly five million new jobs added in the last eight months. So heading into the holiday season, the US is in considerably better shape than it was in 2020.
Doocy had a whattabout, referring to a letter from House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy calling on Biden to halt any work on the Build Back Better reconciliation bill until all the problems with the global supply chain are fixed, which Jean-Pierre wasn't especially impressed with: "Okay. Yeah, wonderful letter." She noted that under Trump and McCarthy last year, job growth was struggling, and that under Biden, we're in far better shape, with all those new jobs and such:
Americans have money in their pockets, and they're spending it, resulting in record volume of good — goods through our ports, and our roads and rails.
A lot of that improvement, she said, was due to the American Rescue Plan, which she noted didn't get a single Republican vote.
Doocy was ready with a really stupid follow-up: Wait, things are actually terrible and Biden's killing Christmas!
Are you saying that you — as you compare holiday season this year to holiday season last year, are you saying that if Christmas gifts don't get delivered this year — because the supply chain is backed up, because of bottlenecks — that people are going to blame Donald Trump, or are they going to blame Joe Biden?
Jean-Pierre wasn't having any of that, no way:
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that we're in a different place than we were a year ago. And the reason why is because the president took action. The reason why is Democrats came together and they passed the American Rescue Plan, put checks into pockets, made sure that we were dealing with issues that pushed women out of the workforce, which is the Child Tax Credit, childcare — all those things that really benefited everyday people who were being left behind. [...]
She also noted that Biden has indeed been working on the supply chain issue, by meeting with private sector leaders and labor, and by persuading the ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach to start operating 24/7. And again, she noted, this is a short-term problem. It's not Soviet North Cuba, for fuckssake.
But Karine, what about the empty shelves and the Christmas presents that won't be under the tree? What about all the jing-jinglers, and the floo-floobers, and the tar-tinkers still sitting on container ships off the coast of California? How can we have Christmas without our Who-whoobas and gar-ginkas?
Somehow, we suspect, Christmas will come, and we'll all just fah-hoo rah-hoo as much as we want, and since vaccines for kids aged five to 11 are on the way in the next few weeks, we can gather together and enjoy our Who Hash without it being a superspreader event.
Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you can, please set up a monthly $5 or $10 donation so we can keep you up on all the latest dispatches from the front lines of the War On Christmas.
THANKS DRAG QUEENS LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
Oh shitfuckdamn, the geopolitical crisis starts NOW, and we hate to say it, but it's the drag queens' fault. Which ones? All of them, obviously, but specifically some drag queens in Vermont at a football game. Pantshitting Christian Right weirdos are upset about it, that much is to be expected, but we didn't realize there was going to be maybe World War 3, but HERE WE ARE.
Charlie Kirk explains, in one of those white cisgender male rants that he imagines comes off far tougher than it does in reality, that the drag queens in Vermont are but one way "transgender garbage" is taking over America and will somehow lead to the Chinese invasion of Taiwan.
Don't say it doesn't make sense, it's not supposed to make sense, it's supposed to make white men in the exurbs poop their pants while they shoot guns in the air like pew pew pew!
CHARLIE KIRK: At a high school in Vermont, just to kind of show the state of the nation, what are they doing during a high school football game? Oh, they're having a drag show. [...]
This is a report of a local news outlet that a high school, a public high school, has a – this is in Burlington, Vermont, the godless, soulless, Burlington, Vermont – they have a drag show.
They did! It was homecoming, and it was cute and faculty even participated and Charlie Kirk is having a pantshit about that.
So Charlie played the clip of fun people in Vermont having fun and nobody being hurt by it, then came back MAD because he was MAD.
KIRK: Kids on TikTok are saying that they are using "demon" as a pronoun. No joke. It's a new thing, that — and of course, it's not a spiritual war, everybody, nothing to see here ...
Hahahahaha, kids these days. We have no idea what the TikTok trend is. All we can tell you is that if you google "demon" and "TikTok" you will find such notable luminaries as Kirk and also Steven Crowder having a pantshit about it, and literally nobody else. So we are sure it's a very serious issue in American society.
KIRK: Dave Chapelle is now being potentially cancelled for being hilarious.
No it's because he's an asshole. And spoiler, but he's not very funny anymore. There was a time. That time is not now.
KIRK: And it all ties together, all of this. The hyper-sensitivity, the inactivity, the anarcho-tyranny —
Charlie knows words.
KIRK: But don't worry everybody, according to the US State Department it is International Pronoun Day. Everything's great. It is international pronoun day.
We had not heard! But apparently it is and the State Department tweeted about it and you know who's mad about that? Only the worst, most useless people this country ever produced.
Here is where China sees a drag show in Vermont and has such a conniption it bombs Taiwan:
KIRK: Meanwhile, China is testing scientific — no, hypersonic missiles. If I was Xi Jinping and I saw that Netflix employees are walking out over saying gender is a fact, if I were Xi Jinping and I saw drag queen halftime show, I would take Taiwan over lunch.
Good thing Xi Jinping is not dealing with whatever psychosexual issues seem to haunt poor Charlie Kirk!
KIRK: And the State Department says it's International Pronoun Day. This is a real thing — and, oh, Media Matters will love this — the transgender garbage is making America a dangerous place. It allows our enemies an opportunity to take us over.
Hahahahaha OK. You bet. But how, though? How does this give our enemies an opportunity? Is the State Department so busy watching fabulous drag shows and tweeting about pronouns that it has no idea China is doin' missile stuff? Is that the job of the social media person at State, to monitor Chinese missile activity?
How, Charlie? Show your work.
As for Kirk saying "transgender garbage," oh boy, he sure is fishing for a reaction to that one, isn't he? Some outrage? Some evidence he has just owned the libs? What a very big man with very tough words he is!
if you watch the video, you can see how ragey he gets when he's about to say it, but also kind of excited. We imagine his heart-rate accelerated just a bit. And then you can see him kinda gulp and take a breath afterward, like he's telling himself yeah, he just stood up to transgender people who have done nothing to harm him, and yet obviously make him so uncomfortable.
The point is, Charlie Kirk can go fuck himself.
Hey remember that time Tucker Carlson had a personal masculinity crisis over pregnant troops and Black women troops' hairstyles, because he thought the Chinese military was so manly and he wanted us to be just like the big strong masculine hairy Chinese military?
Our point is that these white conservative men get shrinkage over the strangest things, but they are always the same things.
We'd ask a psychologist what they thought about this but it doesn't seem necessary.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter.
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you're not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?
You Know When You Wake Up Mad At The Witches Who Live Two Doors Down For Something They Did In Your Dream?
Meet Rachel Hamm, who'd like to be California secretary of state. But lordy, don't piss her off!
Wonkette readers, introduce yourselves politely and carefully to Rachel Hamm, a Republican who would like to be the next secretary of state of California. Though, when you hear her story, what powers she has, what deities obey her commands, we won't blame you for thinking she ought to aim higher than secretary of state.
Hamm's announcement video is all scaremongering and bullshit lying about voter fraud, and it starts with a clip of the biggest liar God ever spat out of heaven. (Do we mean DEVIL? No, we mean Donald Trump.) Her entire platform is that elections are RIGGED! and that is definitely a concern in California, a state that came this close to going for Trump last time around.
And all of that is fine and great, but really, jackass white ladies with that Karen look on their faces complaining to the manager about
Black people voting voter fraud are a fuckin' dime a dozen these days. You seen one? You seen 'em all. Can't tell white people apart, neither.
But how many GOP candidates dreamed a dream of telling Jesus to go arson murder some witches who live two doors down and Jesus was like "fuck yeah witch arson murder"? Definitely not more than five.
Here's the witch vanquisher, live and in person:
Rachel Hamm, a GOP candidate for secretary of state in California, claims that she had a dream that someone was goi… https://t.co/Qte4N6pd12— Right Wing Watch (@Right Wing Watch) 1634823817.0
And here is some transcript for you:
HAMM: We were staying in a hotel, and my parents were staying here with our children.
Scene set. Hamm and her husband are in hotel. Her parents are at their house, babysitting.
And I am a prophetic dreamer.
And she is a prophetic dreamer.
That means I see things in my dreams before they happen. God speaks to me through my dreams and shows me things.
She and God, they're pretty tight.
So I wake up in an Irvine hotel, and I have just had a dream that someone has tried to break into my home, murder me and light my house on fire.
That is a bad dream!
OK, so I wake up and I'm like [whooshing breath sound]! My heart's beating, I'm sweating. So I wake up and I pray.
"Dear Lord please make the scary dreams go away, for I do not like them one bit"? No it was a different prayer.
I use my authority in Jesus name and say no, nobody is going break into my home, or murder me, or light my house on fire, or harm me in any way!
She had to do that prayer, because remember she is a prophetic dreamer, so she's gotta make sure to rebuke whatever bad dreams she has in Jesus's name, just in case they were going to come true.
Does she have to rebuke bad dreams about showing up to give a speech on exam day with no clothes on and you realize you don't know what speech you're supposed to give and you don't know where your classroom even is and you don't know the material for the exam because you have forgotten COMPLETELY to go to high school and now somebody is chasing you and you could totally get away except for how your feet no longer are capable of running?
That could come true, you don't know.
In Jesus's name, I pray and I do what I know to do, and I get a peace [we think? — unless she meant "piece" and she means she boned her husband real fast, in which case get it!], and I go back to sleep.
Did we mention people are cheering for her story already by this point?
I wake up in the morning and I call home and my mom says [...] you are not gonna believe what happened last night. You know the witches, the self-proclaimed witches, that live two doors down?
You know them, the witches. There's one on every street, the house full of witches.
Well, someone broke into their house, murdered her, and lit the house on fire.
Murdered just one of them? And lit the house on fire? Right after the murder, at the house full of witches?
And Rachel Hamm was like EXCUSE ME?
Now I of course was like excuse me, what did you just say?
That's right, she was like EXCUSE ME?
Something you should know is that part of using your authority in Jesus name, is when I was praying against what I saw in my dream, I said if anyone has sent that to me, if someone has intended to break into my house and kill me and light my house on fire then I not only will not receive that but I am sending that right back to them in Jesus's name.
You should know that if Rachel Hamm has a bad dream where something bad happens to her, she will tell the Prince of Peace to murder whoever is out there thinking of making that bad thing happen. And the Prince of Peace will be fine with that.
But even Rachel Hamm didn't realize her dream prayers were that powerful.
OK! Well I didn't even know how much authority I had in that situation, until I called my mom and found out that the very thing I had just dreamed that someone was trying to do to me had happened to them.
And now she knows, whoa if true, and if this person fails to become secretary of state of California, we reckon we might begin to suspect she doesn't actually have the powers she claims to have.
Which should be QUITE a relief for any remaining witches in her neighborhood.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter.
Wonkette is funded ENTIRELY by a few thousand people like you. If you're not already, would you pls consider being the few thousandth and one?
Your COVID roundup!
Here we are in the 20th month of the coronavirus pandemic, which we suspect will never end because of Death Cult idiots. And yet we have some good news on the pandemic all the same! Let's cover this in speed-round format, shall we? We'll start with the good stuff, and maybe end with some good stuff too.
National: Biden Ready To Roll Out Kids' Vaccines Once They're Approved
The Biden administration announced today that as soon as the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine is approved for use in children ages 5 to 11, it has enough of the vaccine ready to "quickly and equitably distribute doses for the nation's 28 million children" in that age range. It's expected the kid-sized doses will be receive emergency authorization by the Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control in the next few weeks. Like real timeline, not what "in two weeks" meant from 2017 through 2020.
Once the vaccine is approved, White House Coronavirus Response Coordinator Jeff Zients said, 15 million doses are ready to be shipped out within the first week.
Wow, how about a Thanksgiving where people won't have to worry as much about the gathering being a superspreader event? Like, among normal people who don't belong to an anti-vax death cult, at least. [USA Today]
Texas: Greg Abbott Can't Have A Law Banning Vaccine Mandates, So Sad
The Texas legislature adjourned its third special session of the year without passing any laws that would back up Greg Abbott's garbage executive order banning employers from requiring workers to be vaccinated. Neither the state House nor the Senate passed the legislation, which Abbott added to the special session's agenda after it had achieved its main goal of drawing up gerrymandered voting districts to give Republicans an advantage in most counties while watering down the power of Latinos. (Texas's infamous voting restrictions passed in the second special session this year, if you're keeping score at home.)
Earlier this month, Abbott issued an executive order prohibiting any "entity in Texas" from requiring vaccination for employees, which was of course pretty meaningless when it came to Joe Biden's requirement for vaccinations for healthcare workers, federal employees, and for companies with more than 100 workers, because federal supremacy and stuff. The Lege was unable to move a bill that would have enshrined Abbott's executive order in an equally pointless law, mostly due to pressure from Texas businesses, which don't like being told what to do by "small government" types. So now the inevitable lawsuits will target just the executive order. We don't know if Texas gets a discount on defending that in court, though. [Texas Tribune]
California: Anti-Masker Goes On Trial For Being Asshole In Grocery Store
Marianne Campbell Smith has become the only person (so far) to stand trial in Orange County, California, on charges resulting from refusing to cover her stupid face in defiance of an emergency public health order last year. Smith barged into a grocery store in Costa Mesa on August 15, 2020, along with two other women who were part of an anti-mask protest outside the shopping center. One of the women left before police arrived, and the second woman arrested that day took a plea deal.
Smith was very big on stupidly proclaiming her freedom, according to testimony by Eric Katz, who at the time was the store's manager. Katz said he told Smith and the other women at least five times to either mask up or leave as they wandered around the private business. She wasn't interested in freedom-denying services like Instacart, or even handing a list of what she wanted to store employees.
"She discussed doing it for her freedom," Katz said of why Smith told him she wasn't wearing a mask.
Also, she carried a sign reading "Healthy people do not wear masks," which might just undermine her attorney's insistence that she was allowed in the store because she had a card of some kind saying she was exempt from wearing a mask for "medical" reasons. Or maybe not! Also, shortly after Smith and her pals went into the store, a crowd of roughly two dozen fellow protestors rushed the entrance to the market, causing employees to close and lock the doors.
Smith was charged with two misdemeanors, for trespassing and "obstructing a business or customers." The OC Register doesn't actually mention what sort of penalty that may carry, although it did note the woman who pleaded to an infraction for failing to leave got a suspended sentence with no jail time. Smith may end up having to appear on Fox News to whine about her martyrdom. [OC Register]
The Internet: No, Anthony Fauci Didn't Do THAT, Either
Here's a good fact check of a stupid internet hoax about Anthony Fauci. As ever, we shall Truth Sandwich it. Out here in reality, Fauci co-authored a 2008 paper about the 1918 Flu pandemic in which he and his co-authors determined that most deaths in that pandemic resulted from bacterial pneumonia that followed the initial influenza infection. The fact check says Fauci's paper
explains that the influenza virus destroyed cells that line the bronchial tubes and lungs which created a pathway for bacteria that normally inhabit the nose and throat to invade the lungs and cause bacterial pneumonia.
Fauci makes it very clear in his description of the study that bacterial pneumonia was preceded by the influenza virus: "The weight of evidence we examined from both historical and modern analyses of the 1918 influenza pandemic favors a scenario in which viral damage followed by bacterial pneumonia led to the vast majority of deaths. In essence, the virus landed the first blow while bacteria delivered the knockout punch."
Honestly, that's some pretty cool historical forensic stuff if you ask us.
Ah, but then came the online lies, which insisted — again, completely falsely — that Fauci had written that most victims of the 1918 pandemic died of pneumonia, and that the pneumonia had resulted from bacteria in masks. This is, again, bullshit: The paper doesn't mention masks at all.
Really, that's about all there is to it; the naturopathic "doctor" who made the claim has been permanently suspended from Twitter, although there are still loonies repeating her lies. If you see them, report the lying bastards, the end. [Reuters]
Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you can, please support our brand of pissed-off truth telling with a monthly donation of $5 to $10. We'll curse the darkness AND light a fucking candle, thank you very much.