Candace Owens Says We All Need To Just Chill The F**K Out About 'White Supremacy'
The House held hearings Friday on the continued threat of white supremacy in America. This annoyed Republicans, who believe it's like holding hearings about Bigfoot but with less compelling photographic "evidence." They demonstrated their contempt for the proceedings by inviting that perpetual self-loathing machine, Candace Owens, to speak. Owens slammed the hearings as a "farce." For the record, there's absolutely zero value in the opinions of the most embarrassing black woman alive. She's stupid and hates black people. That's the extent of her special skills and training. She didn't even finish college because she realized you don't need a degree to step and fetch professionally.
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OWENS: White supremacy is indeed real, but despite the media's obsessive coverage of it, it represents an isolated, uncoordinated and fringe occurrence within America.
Friday, while Owens was tap-dancing for Republican amusement, the Department of Homeland Security officially recognized white supremacist terror as a major national security threat. A white supremacist murdered 22 people in El Paso, Texas, last month. Another shot up a California synagogue in April. Intelligent people understand this is a serious problem. But Owens claims it doesn't crack her Top 100 issues. It's unclear why she's ranking issues like she works at the record store in High Fidelity. Speaking on behalf of the 3 percent of black women who don't find Trump less appealing than toe jam, Owens described the true threats to our people, which she likely read on the bathroom wall at Fox News: Surprise! It's "black-on-black crime and the breakdown of families."
Justin Trudeau Falls Flat On His Blackface
It's Thursday, so it's time for another blackface scandal. We've covered a variety of Al Jolson sightings while on the blackface beat, but this is our first with an international dateline. We learned last night that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wore blackface to an "Arabian Nights"-themed party at the private school where he was a teacher. A photograph of Trudeau insulting multiple cultures appeared in the West Point Grey Academy yearbook. This happened in spring of 2001. Trudeau was 29.
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The media is calling this a "brownface" incident, but Trudeau wasn't cosplaying as the second Aunt Viv on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." He went full original recipe Viv. Joy Behar once put on "darker makeup" to look like an African queen for Halloween. That's "brownface." That was also the 1970s. Trudeau's face is blacker than Fred Astaire as Mr. Bojangles.
MusKegon Kop Kanned For Keeping Klan Kollectibles In Krib
There are certain things you see while house hunting that are immediate turnoffs. For us, it's vessel sinks and clawfoot tubs. Prospective home buyer Rob Mathis wasn't too picky. He probably just wanted a two-car garage, central air, and no obvious evidence that the previous owner was a white supremacist. Mathis, who is black, and his family were walking through a house in Holton, Michigan, last month and couldn't help but notice the Confederate flags on the "walls, dining room table, and even the garage." Competent realtors usually ask you to remove personal items from the residence before listing it. You want buyers to imagine themselves living there. It's not Halloween and they're not visiting a racist haunted house.
There were even more horrors waiting for Mathis in the bedroom, and we don't mean the cramped, non-functional master closet. He found to his "surprise" a framed "Klu Klux Klan" application hanging on the wall. We confess we didn't realize the Klan had literal applications, as if there were a head of inhuman resources screening them for minimum requirements and red flags (e.g. the applicant is black or Jewish). We assume there are sections for describing how much you resent race mixing and listing all your "special skills" (hating, discrimination, Excel).
Yeah, that's real.Facebook
Go Play With Your Fake Maps, Trump, And Leave National Treasure Debra Messing ALOOONE
Donald Trump named names today on Twitter when he attacked private citizen Debra Messing, who made our life worth living in the '90s. The bully in chief called the "Will & Grace" star a "McCarthy-style racist." Trump speaks from experience, because he's a racist and his mentor and hero, Roy Cohn, was Joseph McCarthy's right-hooved man.
Conservative commentator Terence Williams, who is apparently black and mentally stable, tried to make the #RacistDebraMessing hashtag happen early this week. Rudy Giuliani claimed recently that liberals "demean" the word racist, but he was just talking about how we fling it around willy-nilly to describe white supremacists, especially the ones in the White House. Messing however earned the racist title because she "promoted a message calling black Trump supporters mentally ill." That's a really mean thing to say about exactly 13 black people. OK, we're not being fair. The National Center for Public Policy Research posted about Messing's "disturbing tweet" and cited a poll from always wrong Zogby being even wronger than usual and putting Trump's approval among black voters at 28 percent, or less than syphilis. Trump actually enjoys the support of "42,000 black Americans." (Don't look at us, that's their math.) Why, that's enough perfectly sane black people to form a small town. We can call it "Trumpsylvania," where the official pastime is tap dancing.
MAGA Hat Creeps Must Have Some Weird Kink For Getting Their Asses Kicked By Liberals
The president of the United States is an asshole. There have probably been other asshole presidents -- we have our suspicions about JFK -- but Donald Trump is the first to govern openly as an asshole. (Except a bunch of the Republicans. But Trump is more.) This has inspired amateur assholes across the nation to flaunt their alternative lifestyle. They put on the red "Make America Great Again" hat Trump wears whenever his Muppet hair misbehaves, and they go out into the world and make asses of themselves. This usually ends poorly.
It seems like they want to get confronted and hassled for wearing a MAGA hat. Maybe it's their way of stepping temporarily into the shoes of people who have a hard time in the world just because they're a minority or queer. Just kidding, nah. They just want to troll the libs and "prove" we're all close-minded, intolerant hypocrites. We guess that's what you do with your free time when sex is firmly off the table.
Last Saturday, a guy in a MAGA hat got his ass kicked outside a Portland, Oregon, bar. PDX hipsters are traditionally more lovers than fighters, but that was before Barack Obama divided the nation. We don't think anyone, even Trump-supporting assholes, should be attacked because of what they're wearing. Period. However, it turns out this particular asshole might've been spoiling for a fight.
Conservatives Don't Want Their American Fantasy Spoiled By 1619 Project's Lying Reality
The New York Times published the 1619 Project this weekend and conservatives don't need to actually read the damn thing to know it's single-handedly destroyed all the racial harmony Donald Trump restored when he made America great. We've gone from "Ebony and Ivory" to "Kill the White People." It's a national tragedy.
Ilya Shapiro at the Cato Institute scolded New York Times columnist Jamelle Bouie over his interest in history that isn't as benign and politically sanitized as Woody Allen's version of New York.
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Sure, the United States is "mankind's grandest experiment in human liberty and self-governance." Domino's is also mankind's grandest experiment in pizza. Give them a couple hundred years and they might come close to something edible. How are you supposed to react to Shapiro's ridiculous statement as a black man or a woman of any shade? We were never the control group in this "experiment" in liberty.
Conservatives Terrified New York Times 1619 Project Will Remind Black People Slavery Existed
We've dragged the New York Times a lot recently, but we have nothing but love for the 1619 Project. Spearheaded by Times magazine reporter Nikole Hannah-Jones, the sweeping, ambitious work marks the 400th anniversary of the arrival of enslaved people in America. It details how slaves contributed to America's greatness while never materially benefitting from their backbreaking labor. As William Faulker said, "The past is never dead. It's not even past." There's a bloody line in American history that extends from slavery to segregation up through mass incarceration and the election of Donald Trump.
The 1619 Project is something of an event for black people. It felt like everyone on Black Twitter and beyond was reading it. Folks were even partying with the print magazine edition like it was 1999. But we can't enjoy anything by ourselves for long without white people freaking out and calling the cops. Newt Gingrich reacted to the 1619 Project like it was his wife and she was dying of cancer.
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The author of To Save America: Stopping Obama's Secular-Socialist Machine won't tolerate obvious propaganda. He's horrified that the Times would openly try to brainwash its readers into believing slavery both existed and sucked ass. "Propaganda" more accurately reflects how white Americans have controlled the narrative of slavery. We were born in 1970s South Carolina, and we recall learning about the "lost cause" and benevolent slave masters. Actual quote from a teacher: "Slave owners rarely beat their slaves. Slaves were valuable. Would you beat your car?" Comparing humans to automobiles is the sort of depersonalization that was a key element to propaganda. White children were conditioned to feel no shame for their cultural inheritance and black children were conditioned to respect and admire our oppressors -- not just the founding fathers but the Confederate generals our schools and roads were named after.
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Conservatives claim to love history. It's why they object to removing the memorial to Confederate General Negroasskickerson. You'd think they'd appreciate the 1619 Project -- or you would if you were incredibly naive and thought conservatives were capable of intellectual honesty. Conservatives appreciate "history" that makes the world simple not complex. "Slavery is bad" seems like a simple message to digest, but it has complex implications. It means America was not always a wonderful place, especially for minorities. It was a white supremacist nightmare state until ... well, we're hopeful we'll turn a corner very soon. When white people write dystopian novels such as 1984 and The Handmaid's Tale, they imagine a totalitarian society devoid of freedom and hope. Their dread future is our recent past.
Beto O'Rourke is honest enough to accept America's reality. His former political rival Ted Cruz reprises a past where people who dared confront racism were "stirring up trouble."
The New York Times is not why people don't want to talk to Ted Cruz.Twitter
Discussing slavery and its continued impact on modern society is not "deliberately stoking the fires of racial tension and hatred." Cruz literally said after Charlottesville that cities shouldn't "sanitize" history by removing Confederate statues. Is he stupid enough to think the memorial to Confederate war hero Beauregard N-Word Sayer somehow promotes "unity"? Most of those statues were originally erected during the Civil Rights Movement as a warning to black people to remember our place. That is why conservatives resist removing them now.
Cruz harped on a weird comment Times executive editor Dean Baquet -- who admittedly says a lot of weird shit -- made at a recent town hall regarding the paper's mostly weak-ass coverage of the grand wizard in chief.
BAQUET: This is a really hard story, newsrooms haven't confronted one like this since the 1960s. It got trickier after [inaudible] … went from being a story about whether the Trump campaign had colluded with Russia and obstruction of justice to being a more head-on story about the president's character. We built our newsroom to cover one story, and we did it truly well. Now we have to regroup, and shift resources and emphasis to take on a different story.
Seems like a bad idea to build a newsroom to cover one story. But whatever. Right-wing media chose to interpret Baquet's questionable editorial competence as a deliberate attempt to divide the nation in order to sell papers. Russia didn't stick, so now the Times is making much ado of Trump's racism, which is easy when the president's a racist.
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Baquet did not "in effect" say what Cruz claimed he did. We could just as honestly suggest Cruz said (IN EFFECT) "I like to get off on weird Twitter porn," but we'd never do that. But the "racism is the new Russia" narrative has already gained traction online. Not so ironically, conservatives back in the day tried to blame the entire civil rights movement on Russian influence.
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Cruz and conservative writer Byron York seized on the 1619 Project's stated goal to "reframe" history through the lens of slavery. They consider this Pravda-style reporting because they have a facile view of history. We've all learned about America from the perspective of white men. The idea that any other perspective has value or is just as valid is practically un-American, which is why they keep comparing it to the tactics of our Cold War enemy. Gingrich went so far as to call Times columnist Mara Gay a liar for suggesting that "everything that has made America exceptional grew out of slavery." This is a historical opinion Gay can back up with facts. Gingrich can only mansplain to Gay with his bruised white ego. America's wealth and power came from slavery. Enslaved people innovated American cuisine and most of American music traces back to slavery. We know it hurts to feel like you've contributed nothing important to civilization. That's what black people were taught for generations while learning actual lies about George Washington and cherry trees. We were trained to believe in the inherent honesty of a man who held our ancestors in bondage. That isn't history. It's active mental abuse.
Cruz and Gingrich are weasels but they're models of stability compared to Erick Erickson, who claimed that Hannah-Jones -- a black woman -- helped promoted a "Neo-Confederate world view" where everything's about race. Erickson has moved on from obsessing over Pete Buttigieg's sex life to sounding alarms over the upcoming race war. (We'd tried so hard to keep it on the down low. Thanks, New York Times!)
This is why white people didn't let enslaved people read. You start with some light Jane Austen and end with full-scale revolution. The 1619 Project is sure to inspire young black people in ways that will freak out conservatives. We remember when we saw Malcolm X our first few weeks in college. We were blown away and rushed out to read everything about the "bad" black leader. That's when we started to reconsider the whole "slaves are like cars" argument. But we didn't take up arms against white people and we never will. Relax, guys: If we haven't killed your asses by now, we'll probably never get around to it. If the 1619 Project inspires a true revolution, the only casualty will be white supremacy.
[New York Times / Slate]
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