White Nonsense

Which Branch Covidian Is The New Rosa Parks Now? Some Dumb Ass Barber In Michigan.

Rosa Parks wouldn’t have died for a haircut.

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer announced this week that bars, restaurants, and some retail stores in parts of Michigan could open with reduced capacity on Friday, just in time for Memorial Day weekend, which is technically still happening. This is good news for sensible people, but a bit of a bummer for Barry County Sheriff Dar Leaf (that's right). Leaf was ranting to a crowd of 350 anti-lockdown “patriots" when the news came down that Whitmer was relaxing restrictions for residents of the Upper Peninsula and much of the northern Lower Peninsula.

It "took some wind out of my sails," he said during his speech at the "American Patriot Rally — Sheriffs Speak Out" event Monday. (He was the only sheriff "speaking out.") However, he insisted the reopening should have happened sooner. The facts don't support his thinking, but who needs proof when you have instinct?

Leaf boasted that his office hadn't enforced the governor's stay-at-home orders anyway, because he believed they violated the Constitution.

Right now we don't even know if those orders are legal. If we start enforcing stuff that's not legal, we could be held liable.

LOL. Almost 60,000 people live in Barry County, and they couldn't find a better sheriff?

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Very Cool 'MAGA Life Coach' Says MASKS Are For DORKS, And He Is NOT DORK, OK?

Listen to your friend Brenden Dilley, he's a cool guy.

Y'all might have heard that there is a whole thing among chickenshit weenus MAGA guys that they don't want to wear masks, because they think it makes them look unmanly. These are the same people who think Donald Trump is very butch and strong. Yes, this Donald Trump, the one who looks like this:

It's the same type that gets an "ARTOFWAR" vanity plate and puts it on their 4-cylinder Mustang and parks it on the sidewalk. It's that bizarre Ben Garrison type.

It's the type that feels the need to tell you it's manly and NOT A DORK, instead of just trusting that you can see that for yourself.

Well! Meet Brenden Dilley, who according to the internet is a MAGA life coach. He even wrote a book, called Still Breathin', to teach you how also to be cool.

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Shocker: Astroturf Protests Actually COVID-19 Bug-Chaser Conventions

Why yes, there ARE hundreds more cases after Wisconsin idiots' big MAGA rallies!

Last month, about 1,500 protesters gathered at the Wisconsin state Capitol to oppose Gov. Tony Evers's tyrannical stay-at-home order. Now at least 72 people who attended the rallies have since tested positive for the coronavirus. Wisconsin's Department of Health Services can't confirm that they caught COVID-19 at the rally, but according to state DHS spokesperson Elizabeth Goodsitt, when someone tests positive, they're asked if they did something stupid like attend a large gathering with other dummies.

(We're kidding: Goodsitt didn't call anyone a dummy. People who tested positive were just asked if they'd attended a large gathering, which Wonkette contends only stupid would do right now.)

This could mean around five percent of protesters left the rallies and began spreading COVID-19 across the state — which may indeed be what happened, because on Saturday the DHS reported 502 new coronavirus cases from a round of 6,051 tests. That's the largest single-day increase in cases since the pandemic started.

Wisconsin's total number of confirmed coronavirus cases is at present 12,187, and 453 people have died. Here's the kicker: Around 17 percent of all positive cases ended up hospitalized. Those figures are more than enough to keep my ass at home, but I bailed on parties in my 20s because it was cold out and a good "Law & Order" episode was on.

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Senate's Dumbest Republican Knows Why Trump Fired State Department IG, But SHHH IT'S A SECRET

Your Sunday Rundown 2.0!

This week's Sunday shows had so much stupidity, it couldn't be contained to ONE Sunday Rundown. After Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar was done blaming Americans being fat for them being more susceptible to COVID-19, CNN's "State Of The Union" interviewed Wisconsin GOP senator and Oversight Committee chairman Ron Johnson on the Friday night Saturday Night Massacring of Steve Linick, the inspector general of the State Department (SDIG). Host Jake Tapper quoted Utah senator Mitt Romney's comments about this "threat to accountable democracy" and then asked Johnson to weigh in.

Johnson retreated to the super worn-out reasoning the GOP has trotted out for everything from Trump firing Jim Comey to the firing of Andrew McCabe to Trump's retaliation against Alexander Vindman and Gordon Sondland for testifying about Trump's impeachable (and impeached) Ukraine extortion:

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