Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology?
It is probably not so easy to be a Scientology recruiter these days. In this post-Leah Remini defection world, there are scant few people out there who haven't at least heard something about how they are a destructive (and incredibly expensive) cult. Unless you are Amish, in which case you have your own shit going on. Everyone else is going to say "Yeah, no, I'd really prefer to not give you all of my money and then maybe end up in that weird detention camp where you are maybe keeping Shelley Miscavige!"
Thus, they must find a way to rally those who are still around, somehow, and rally they have. With a music video that will make you die in your face from second hand embarrassment!
"What time is it? What time is it? Don't anybody know what time is it?" It is time for a lot of weird Scientology lingo to be put in a rap song like they are normal terms that everyone uses. "SPs ain't nothing" is especially good. For those not in the know, IAS is the International Association of Scientologists, which former Scientologist Mike Rinder has suggested is pretty much nothing more than some kind of money scheme meant to scam the IRS, and which claims to do a bunch of good things that it does not actually do.
It is kind of sad, honestly, that a Scientology music video could not really get any fancy celebrities. I mean, that's kind of their main thing, right? The only person Scientology expert Tony Ortega recognized was actor Michael D. Roberts, who was in Rainman and some other stuff. I think the awkward lady in the one shoulder dress and baseball cap might be someone? Like, I think she is maybe a person I have randomly seen in a couple things who kind of has the same face as Ricki Lake, but also it might not be that same lady. I cannot exactly Google "Lady who was a therapist or something in a show I watched one time, can't remember what it was? I want to say it was either Revenge or Criminal Minds, but not sure what episodes!"
But really, that just shows you what a dire position they are in. It's like, a dude who looks and raps like Vanilla Ice and wears a lot of khaki, some lady I might know from somewhere, ten thousand ladies who would like to speak to your manager RIGHT NOW, and a few of their kids.
Bring it on, indeed!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse