Willie Nelson Will Fulfill Lifelong Dream Of Smoking Out Entire US Of A, For Fun And Profit
Some 81-year-old pothead loser named Willie Nelson, who will never amount to anything because that's what pot does to you, has a plan to open a chain of retail stores selling his own custom brand of the evil demon weed, and all necessary evil demon weed accessories like bongs and such, all over America.
According to the Daily Beast's interview with "veteran hemp and pot lobbyist" Michael Bowman, who is also the official spokesstoner for Nelson's new brand of Mary Jane, called Willie's Reserve, it'll be pretty much like Whole Foods:
It will be like when you walk into a Whole Foods store. Whole Foods has their 365 brand, or you can buy Stony Brook, or you can buy Horizon… It’ll all fall under that umbrella of “here’s our core beliefs, and here’s our mission statement,” and they will be a part of that, to be a part of us.
It won't just be a store, man, it'll be a philosophy. Willie Nelson's philosophy:
Willie has spent a lifetime in support of cannabis, both the industrial hemp side and the marijuana side. He wants it to be something that’s reflective of his passion. Ultimately, it’s his. But it was developed by his family, and their focus on environmental and social issues, and in particular this crazy war on drugs, and trying to be a bright light amongst this trail as we’re trying to extract ourselves from the goo of prohibition.
Really he wants it, at the end of the day, to envelop what his personal morals and convictions are. So from the store itself to how they’ll work with suppliers and how things are operated, it’s going to be very reflective of Willie’s life. [...]
This is a culmination of Willie’s vision, and his whole life. I’m not sure any of us could have predicted how fast the dominoes would start falling once they started falling (as far as legalization). And You have the men like Willie who’s been out there getting arrested, standing up saying what’s right, and not wavering from that core.
So next time, when the officer asks, "What's that smell in the tour bus?" Willie Nelson can just say, "CAPITALISM, man. Wanna hit?"
The plan for now is to open stores in states where marijuana is already legal, like Colorado and Washington. But as more states join the movement to stop warring on drugs and collect some sweet legal tax moneys on the stuff instead, expect to see Willie Nelson's Whole Foods But For Weed sweep the nation. No confirmation yet, but we're wondering if the soon-to-be retail giant will also be offering lessons on how to get high like a responsible adult (not like a Maureen Dowd), or selling some of Nelson's other core values, like support for marriage equality and sensible treatment of immigrant children at the border.
Guess this means Ted Cruz will have to stop loving country music and go back to the cleaner, drug-free classic rock he used to love before 9/11.