Wingnuts Outraged At Lack Of Respect For Ted Cruz's Fauxibuster, Unlike That Time Everyone Hearted Wendy Davis's Actual Filibuster


Oh no, you guys, conservatives are having a sad! Sound the Drudge sirens and grab your teeniest tiniest little itty-bittiest violin.

You see, while you were sleeping, or maybe watching paint dry because that would still be more exciting, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Canada) was having himself a staged, pre-arranged, utterly meaningless "filibuster" against Obamacare -- not an actual bill, mind you, just Obamacare in general -- filled with Nazi comparisons, completely-opposite-of-true "facts" and a stunning misinterpretation of Green Eggs and Ham. Naturally, wingnuts are outraged -- outraged, we tell ya! -- that the lamestream media did not show Cruz all the respect and deference it showed Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis when she held an actual filibuster against an actual bill by completely ignoring her and instead showing riveting stories about muffins.

Let us now have a squiggly-lines flashback to Ladybadass Wendy Davis's actual filibuster.

  • Future Gov. Davis stood on her pink-shoed feet for 13 hours, and unlike Ted Cruz, who read Bedtime Bible Stories to his daughters at home watching daddy on the SPAN, she was repeatedly interrupted and reprimanded for making points about abortion that her fellow state senators did not think were "germane" to a bill about abortion.
  • Erick son of Erickson cleverly named Ms. Davis "Abortion Barbie" because that is HI-larious, and started a #SitDownWendy Twitter campaign because that is also HI-larious and really, wouldn't everyone's time be better spent if that fake blonde stopped talking on the Senate floor like some kind of senator and just went and made Erick some sammiches?
  • Republicans attempted to warp the space-time continuum by claiming the bill Davis was filibustering passed before midnight when actually it was after midnight, but they were forced to recant when everyone who was watching the fiasco on the intertubes livestream -- because they could not watch it on the teevee -- was all, "Um, it is after midnight, what the fuckity fuck?"
  • The next day, Gov. Rick Perry oopssplained how Wendy Davis is A Idiot because if she really cared about women, she would be against women making their own healthcare decisions on account of how she is a 50-year-old teen mom. Then he went back to executin' chicks.
  • Teabagger Rep. Giovanni Capriglione demanded Davis personally write out a check to cover the cost of Perry calling the legislature back for a Very Special Session to try try again to pass the bill Davis successfully filibustered. The number of Republicans -- or Democrats, for that matter -- who have demanded Cruz personally pay for the cost of his fauxibuster? Let's see ... oh right. Zero.
  • Dave Carney, former adviser to Perry and typical Texas Republican shmuckbreath, insisted that Wendy Davis is "too Stupid" (pause for laughter at the irony of his random capitalization while attacking Davis's ladybrain) to be governor of Texas, which confounds and befuddles us on account of how Texas seems to have a thing for governors and even senators who are all kinds of too Stupid.
  • Texas eventually passed that abortion bill anyway, because who cares if the overwhelming majority of Texans opposed it? And also because they were very moved by all the men who said they regretted their abortions.

Come to think of it, we are also too also outraged -- outraged, we tell ya! -- that Ted Cruz is not getting the Wendy Davis treatment. Maybe Erick Son of Erick can make a funny on the Twitters about how Ted should #sitdowntoo and go make him some abortion-flavored sammiches or something.



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