Wingnuts Thrilled With Iran Nuclear Deal, Have Nothing But Kind Words For Obama

On Thursday, the Prophet Obama (peace be upon him) won a great victory over the infidels. Or at least a framework for the final agreement of a great victory of the infidels. And the infidels were not pleased! Of course we’re talking about conservatives and the greater wingnuttgentsia, which took to Twitter and blogs and the airwaves to snark and howl like Ben Stiller when he got his dick stuck in his zipper. It was thoroughly entertaining. Here’s a small selection of the shitfit that will likely continue until Iran mercifully nukes America so we don’t have to listen to the conservatives whining about Iranian nukes anymore.

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Who did you have in your pool for the Republican senator who would go into a full-on, toddler-throwing-a-tantrum meltdown? John McCain? Ted Cruz? Lindsey Graham? Tom Cotton? Well, you lose, because it was Mark Kirk of Illinois.

The Illinois Republican trashed a deal struck by global powers with Tehran, concluding in a phone interview “that Neville Chamberlain got a lot of more out of Hitler than Wendy Sherman got out of Iran,” a reference to a top State Department negotiator on the deal.

We were unaware that Chamberlain got an international body to forcibly inspect Nazi V-2 factories or that Iran now feels empowered to annex the Sudetenland. Please continue, you tender drama queen.

But Kirk wasn’t done, forecasting that lifting any more sanctions on Iran “dooms the Middle East to yet another war,” one that Israel will have to clean up, perhaps in a nuclear fashion.

“We should be a reviewing presence to see how this unfolds,” Kirk said of Congress’ role, adding: “Which we all know is going to end with a mushroom cloud somewhere near Tehran.”

Kirk’s office called to clarify that Kirk was referring to a nuclear test in Iran.

That … doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. The Iranians will test an above-ground nuke near Tehran, and then Israel will start a war with the entire country? Cool your jets, Barbra Streisand.

Many conservatives were lauding the Washington Post for its editorial condemning the deal.

We are also shocked that the bastion of right-wing conservatism headed by Fred Hiatt, that employer of hippie peaceniks like George Will, Jennifer Rubin, and Marc Thiessen, would toe the conservative party line on this issue. Hang on, we’re going to lie down for a minute.

Breitbart wonder twins Ben Shapiro and Joel Pollak were their usual rational, un-hysterical selves.

Twitter sewer line Richard Grenell, Mitt Romney's former spokesman, brought the golf jokes, conveniently forgetting that it is the Republican-led Congress that is taking a two-week vacation right now while representatives of the administration are pulling all-nighters to finalize this deal.

Noted international-relations expert Dana Loesch took time off from raising $400,000 for that “no homo” pizzeria in Indiana to troll the Obama administration for not making Iran’s horrific policies toward gay people a part of this deal.

Actually, Iran will still labor under sanctions imposed because of its terrible human-rights record, which includes its treatment of gays. The only sanctions being lifted are those imposed in relation to its nuclear activities. Perhaps John Kerry could have also made Iran no longer being a repressive theocracy part of the deal, but he was probably anxious to go windsurfing or something. God, we’re going to miss Dana Loesch when she finally returns to her home planet.

And then there was Bill O’Reilly. Sweet Mohammad waving a scimitar, what craziness leaked from that idiot’s facehole?

O’Reilly told Gretchen Carlson the best thing to do now is “take a deep breath, step back, and say, ‘Okay, let’s hope it’s a decent thing.’”

Exsqueeze us? Uh, baking powder?

“You don’t want a war with Iran,” he said. “You don’t want to be bombing that country, because the unintended consequences will set the world aflame. So if you can get something that’s decent, you give it a shot.”

Carlson brought up the terrorism issue as to why the U.S. might not be able to trust Iran. O’Reilly said the U.S. has negotiated with bad people before and asked, “Do you destroy the country? We could do that, but that would be a world war.”

Motherfucking Bill O’Reilly is the voice of reason amongst the wingnuts today, folks. If anyone needs us, we’ll be looking for the wormhole back to our universe.

[Politico / Mediaite / WaPo]


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