With (Debatable) 'Naked/Nekkid' Distinction, Alan Simpson Completes Transformation Into Cartoon Character
This is the sort of thing that gets a blogger through a Tuesday, it really is: When retired Senator Alan Simpson got a call from aDes Moines Register reporter, he asked for a moment to get ready for the interview because he was "stark nekkid."
“Do you know the difference between naked and nekkid?” he asked The Des Moines Register when he returned to the telephone interview Monday. “If you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on, but if you’re nekkid you don’t have any clothes on but you’re up to something.”
We are convinced that Alan Simpson is working very hard on actually becoming Abraham J. "Grampa" Simpson. He may as well dye his skin bright yellow, though we won't insist that he have surgery to remove one finger on each hand, because dedication to cosplay only goes so far. On the Standard Scale of Old Man Stereotypes, Sen. Simpson has just upped his status from "codger" to "coot." (Mind you, we do not mean to imply this is a bad thing. Like Calvin, Yr Doktor Zoom looks forward to the day when he can "putter around.")
Once he got something decent on, we hope, Senator Simpson also had some thoughts for the Register; for equal time, we now offer a Point/Counterpoint with Abraham J:
- On Marriage Equality: Alan: For it.
“I had a cousin who was a Silver Star winner in World War II. He was gay. We all know or love somebody or are related to somebody who’s gay or lesbian. … We’re all God’s children. We’re all human beings. What business is it of mine?
“I love to hear the guys talking about the sanctity of marriage while they’re working on their third divorce or somebody’s giving you lectures on abortion or family values while they’re diddling their secretary.”
Abe: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.
- On Activists:
Alan: Show me a 100 percenter and that’s a guy who says, ‘My way or the highway.’ And I’ll show you a guy with b.o. and heartburn and gas who really is not fun to be around.
“I call them ‘seethers’ – their neck muscles are sticking out, their eyes are bulging, and they’re on a one-issue kick and meanwhile they have a country that’s going down the tubes and they’re not even talking about (fiscal issues), they’re talking about Agenda 21 or common core.”
Abe: Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat!
- On the Iowa Caucuses: Alan: He's not sure Iowa has to be first. Maybe not last either, but look at who you get doing well in the early going:
"...there must be a more rational process, instead of coming out with (Minnesota U.S. Rep.) Michele Bachmann, who just went like a comet across the sky and then was gone, or (former Pennsylvania U.S. Sen.) Rick Santorum, who is a total homophobe, who said at one time that gays do animals.”
Abe: Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.
- On the 2016 Republican field: Alan: He names several of them, is not crazy about Ted Cruz. After the stuff about "seethers" above, he also says that "Rand Paul is saying, I think, some very important things." Eesh.
Abe: Everybody wants something for nothing! (Walks into the Social Security Office) I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!
- On Paul Ryan and His Innards:
“The reason they’re tearing him up is he’s hitting the nerve center – he’s into health care. And when you mess with that, you are irritating every senior citizen group. AARP will froth at the mouth … He’s got a lot of guts ... But he’s strong. He’s talking about where the meat is. The rest of the stuff is sawdust.”
(Again, how is Ryan not one of the "seethers"? )
Abe: Look at that, they re-created the thirties: tent cities, failing banks.
Even so, we like the cranky old man Alan Simpson
is becoming has been for years now, and think he might make for a good role model, consarn it. We would be willing to debate him on that distinction between "naked" and "nekkid," because it is just plain WRONG (our definition: "Nekkid" is just how you say it on Wonkette, or perhaps when you're trying not to get slapped), but we're worried he would bean us with his cane.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He has been a "fogey" since the age of 24.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.