With 'Rot' In Missile Crews And All The Rapiness, Air Force Faces Severe Purity Of Essence Gap

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Wonkers of the Cold War era (which is like all but seven of you, right?) may remember the somber documentaries about the grim job of manning missile silos, with the narrator intoning that the 2-man crews had standing orders to shoot their partner if he went insane. (This may not actually be true, but we remember Alistair Cooke saying it.) Well, it turns out that the spit and polish is wearing a little thin in the missile silos these days, because after a recent review of the 91st Missile Wing at Minot Air Force Base, North Dakota, the Air Force hasstripped 17 officers of their authority to control nuclear missiles. The inspection revealed what the group's deputy commander described in a report as "rot in the crew force" leading to lax safety and readiness. So now everybody in godforsaken Minot is going to have to get their act together and stop being so rotten!


The Associated Press obtained an internal Air Force email written by Lt. Col. Jay Folds, which reamed the missile guys for their lackluster performance in drills, saying that

drastic corrective action was required because “we didn’t wake up” after an underwhelming inspection in March that he said amounted to a failure, even though the unit’s overall performance technically was rated “satisfactory.” That is two notches below the highest rating.

“And now we’re discovering such rot in the crew force that your behavior while on alert is accepting of” weapons safety rule violations, possible code compromises and other failings, “all in the name of not inconveniencing yourselves,” Folds wrote.

Folds also complained about unwarranted questioning of orders from superior officers by launch crews and failure to address superiors with the proper respect.

“We are breaking you down, and we will build from the ground up,” Folds added. He later wrote, “It takes real leaders to lead through a crisis and we are, in fact, in a crisis right now.”

He told his subordinates, “You must continue to turn over the rocks and find the rot.”

It is not known at press time whether Folds also threatened to cunt punt his troops for LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and talking openly about partying with frats other than Sigma Nu.

But why is the Air Force having so much trouble keeping their missiles under control? (And by "missiles," we mean penises.) MAYBE THEY ARE TOO BUSY RAPING EVERYBODY! Because on the very same day that the head of the Air Force's sexual harassment prevention unit was arrested for sexual assault, the Pentagon released a report showing that sexual assault is rampant in all branches of the military. But not to worry! The top commander of all birdmen, Air Force General Mark A. Welsh III, has a handle on all this! It turns out that the real problem is not that the military per se has impure bodily fluids, but rather that America itself has been polluted by a “hookup mentality.”

Responding to the Pentagon report, Welsh noted that 20% of women in the service also reported being victims of sexual assault

“before they came into the military…. So they come in from a society where this occurs…. Some of it is the hookup mentality of junior high even and high school students now, which my children can tell you about from watching their friends and being frustrated by it.”

Yes, the head of an entire branch of our armed forces doesn't know the difference between rape and consensual sex. But maybe his children simply didn't explain it to him clearly enough.

Happily, the true crème de la stupid on this topic comes from someone who will never be in command of anything but his ego, his twitter account, and his filthy restaurants: Donald Trump, never one to miss an opportunity to make things just a little bit worse, tweeted this yesterday:

We suppose that explains why Trumps smelly casinos have separate areas for men and women to gamble. Didn't this guy say he was against sharia law?

[TPM / Feministing / NYT]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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