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WND Writer Attempts 'Satire' In Call To Elect White President, Any White President

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Be careful, kids, another rightwing writer has attempted satire. The writer is Mychal Massie, WND's most prominent black person who can't stand what Obama has done to America, and his satirical notion is this: we shouldelect a white Christian conservative who governs as badly as Barack Obama, so that no one will ever be accused of racism again. Funny? It is almost as if Jonathan Swift himself had arisen from the grave and proceeded to stalk the countryside, consuming human flesh and leaving a trail of flames and destruction in the wake of his reanimated corpse.


You know that Massie is an expert political writer, because in his serious-not-sarcastic introduction he invokes a sacred set of Worship Words that will resonate with the reader:

For We the People, Obama’s time in office has thus far been tantamount to a march through hell with the complete deconstruction of America strapped to our backs and with despair and immiseration clenched in our teeth.

Stop laughing at that metaphor, please, he has not gotten to the satirical part yet.

You see, Mr. Massie believes that Barack Obama "has traded on the color of his skin the way prostitutes trade on sexual favors" (still not satire) and that "the Obama sucklings, complicit with a pathetic and biased media, label all criticism of Obama as racist" (nope, not yet). And so, he figures, the only way to escape this is to make sure that " the next president be a white Christian Conservative" (there it is).

You see, if we had a white Christian conservative president, "we can criticize his (or her) policies without concern of being called racists." Even better, there are some problems with the current president that would be avoided altogether, and wouldn't need to be criticized at all!

It would be expected of that person to adhere to the highest standards of integrity, truthfulness, transparency, and protocol. A white Christian Conservative’s wife would be expected to exhibit social grace and decorum consistent with the office her husband held, and not comport herself as a demimonde or slattern in expensive designer clothes.

Oh, that's not actually satire -- Moochelle is just a big fat graceless slovenly cow, HAW HAW!

But on to the really funny reversals of expectations, the very heart of satire. Note how Massie subtly gets his point across without "tipping his hand" that he is using what we in the satire business call "obvious sarcasm":

If a white Christian Conservative were president, we wouldn’t be called racists for condemning his economic record if the number of unemployed (not seasonally adjusted) Americans rose from 91.6 million to 92.594 million, which is an increase of nearly a million people in one month and which is what happened from March 2014 to April 2014 under Obama.

And we would not have to "make up" unemployment numbers that suggest that nearly a third of Americans (including the children!) are unable to get jobs, either.

Also, we could yell "Benghazi!" at the top of our lungs without anyone accusing us of being racist. Idiots, maybe, but not racist. Also, did he mention that Michelle Obama is Marie Antoinette? If only she weren't black, he could say that without being called a racist.

We'll give Mychal Massie this much: he makes us yearn for the National Review's hilarious soccer jokes.

[WND]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He would make fun of Mychal Massie, but that would probably make him some kind of racist.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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