SWOON!


Morning, Wonkers! Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette might possibly think about considering making silly pee-pee jokes about today!

  • B. Barry Bamz is already tired of talking about Donald Trump, while Old Handsome Joe doesn't think he should touch buttons that can make things go all 'splodey.
  • A shadowy new group of hackers may have stolen and posted the 1's and 0's contained in a cyber-weapon from a group with NSA ties for Bitcoin (and probably lulz).
  • The Department of Defense has transferred 15 Gitmo detainees to the United Arab Emirates because Obama is just not-so-secretly building up his Islamo-Kenyan caliphate.
  • North Carolina really, really wants its horrible, no good, double plus bad voter ID laws to be held up by SCOTUS because they really seem to believe blacks and poors are only fractions.
  • The House committees on Oversight and Government Reform are saying Hillary perjured all over herself when she had to sit through the House Select Committee's Benghazi bonanza last October, so they sent a letter to the DOJ letting them know they're really mad and have nothing better to do with taxpayer dollars.
  • Marco Rubio just is sick and tired of people saying he doesn't support Trump. Of course Marco Rubio supports Trump. Marco Rubio has always supported the guy he once called a conman, because Marco Rubio knows exactly what he's doing.
  • The Gary Johnson Jalopy might get on the ballot in Ohio because it assumes people are dumb enough to actually vote for Gary Johnson.
  • Aetna is joining other major health insurers in pulling out of Obamacare because it can't make money in a marketplace that isn't an oligopoly.
  • Gawker is on the auction block and Univision and Ziff Davis LLC are bidding lots of monies. Peter Thiel has some thinly veiled words about privacy, revenge and journalism in the wake of the sale.
  • Watch Bill O'Reilly define hypocrisy when he sympathizes with Trump for pulling press credentials from liberal media journa-liars who make up fake stories with facts, and numbers, and science.
  • Sean Hannity is taking a beating from the rest of the right-wing crazy people who think Sean Hannity is giving crazy people a bad name.
  • First Colorado let you smoke lots of wacky mari-juanas; now it wants to let you kill yourself. Legally.
  • Democratic New Jersey Rep. Bill Pascrell is PISSED about missing a Bruce Springsteen concert, so he's introduced a bill that would use the Federal Trade Commission to enforce new rules for the selling and reselling of concert tickets. No joke, its acronym isĀ the "BOSS ACT."
  • Here's your future Dad Joke in Chief, Tim Kaine, playing his mouth harp in North Carolina at a bar for some morning Nice Time!
Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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