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DEFY DEATH With Us, In Denver, TODAY!
It's a surprise impromptu Denver Drinky Thing! Come see us! TODAY!
March 03, 2019 11:15 AM
Yesterday, our connecting flight in Denver from Cancun, it was bad. How bad was it, Rebecca? Well, half an hour into it, the pilot informed us he wasn't climbing to altitude because the cabin wouldn't pressurize, and the backup cabin pressurization system had failed too. That's when I looked down at my three-year-old daughter and saw she was fassssst asleep despite yammering like a common three-year-old daughter until about a minute before.
<p>My daughter is in an airplane oxygen deprivation coma, I thought, as the captain turned us back toward Denver and the ice storm appeared below us so we couldn't see the ground but COULD feel the plane's engines struggling and chugging like the Little Engine That Could, carrying the toys for all the good boys and girls on the other side of the mountain. Which sounds sweet and adorable, if I weren't more frightened than I have ever been in my life. </p><p>It was a bad fucking flight, is what I am saying. So they put us on another one, which sat at the gate an hour or two with <em>its</em> mystery mechanical issues, until 6:06 p.m., when the airline could cancel the flight for "ice storm" and thus not have to put anyone up.</p><p>Which is when I made the executive decision to get the FUCK out of the airport, NOT try again in the morning, and have Shy find us the nicest hotel downtown. Hello from the Oxford! Which just happens to be across the street from John Hickenlooper's <a href="https://wynkoop.com/" target="_blank">Wynkoop Beer Company,</a> and I think you should meet us there, at the Wynkoop, if you are able, TODAY, SUNDAY, from 3 to 5 p.m., where, unfortunately, we will not be buying your beers, because we just spent all the money at the nicest hotel downtown. But join us anyway, buy your own beer, and we'll throw in some appetizers, because love. </p><p>We love you! </p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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2018: The Year The Children Did Lead Us
God bless them, every one.
December 31, 2018 09:00 PM
The kindergartners are having active shooter drills. They are hiding in the closets, crying and messing their pants. We traumatize them every day, to keep them "safe." But what should we do, NOT teach our babies to rush the bad man? (Yes. We should not teach our babies to rush the bad man.)
For years now, Moms Demand and Everytown for Gun Safety and Gabrielle Giffords and her husband Astronaut Mark have been trying to save America from itself -- to change it from the kind of country that lets forty-seven of its children get shot with guns EVERY DAY. To change it from the kind of nation that doesn't even charge the adults who leave their guns around their children, who then do the utterly expected. And we watch and wish it could be different, but the NRA is too powerful, there is nothing we can do, we might as well just lie down and die, in a shower of lead.
But the Parkland kids -- they would NOT BE IGNORED, DAN. They are fierce and powerful and FUCKING MAGNIFICENT, and as they start college -- they're barely in college! -- they are dragging the rest of us along for a master class in ENOUGH, while it's the NRA that is weakened and dying.
<p>In March, we drove from Montana to DC to <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/the-children-are-here-and-theyre-fucking-magnificent" target="_blank">kiss the children on their beautiful faces.</a> We gave them IMPEACH hats, and bought 'spensive pizzas, and we wept. The old black lady wept. The old white man with the cauliflower nose sobbed. My husband pretended he did not cry, but he cried. We were there only to back them up. They have made this fight, they have done the work, they have grown up in a hot fucking second through no choice of their own. They needed to know that we -- so wishy-washy in our middle-age, so sure the NRA was unbeatable and that we CAN'T -- were changed by their fury, just as they were. </p><p>This is what I wrote then, when you, our readers, sent us there in our ridiculous RV: </p><blockquote>But we can have their backs -- the 88-year-old man on the train whose sign said OLD PEOPLE VOTE EVERY SINGLE TIME, and all the middle-aged mothers like me, and the husbands who cherish their children but for real, not like how Donald Trump "cherishes" a woman. And there are so many of us, so many millions, and we will vote, and we will end our nation's insane bloodlust at the ballot box. I have never felt more hope and joy -- okay, the morning after Obama's election, but that's the ONLY time in my 45 years when there was such a clarity of goodness in our nation's collective heart.<br><br>My mom was born in Hawaii, and is the same age as Obama's mother, so she feels like he is her child too -- the child of her entire generation. I feel the same way about these marvelous, brave, beautiful teens. They're all of ours, they belong to us.<br><br>And we will do this for them, and we will do it behind them, will have their goddamn backs for once, because our babies are FUCKING MAGNIFICENT.</blockquote><p>And November came, and for once I was right. </p><p><strong>Thank you for being our friend. </strong></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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Wonkette's Top Ten Is BACK IN ACTION!
Did you miss me?
November 17, 2018 11:36 AM
I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."
Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!
<p>10. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/courts-kick-brian-kemp-in-the-jimmies-again" target="_blank">WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now</a>. Did Brian Kemp get kicked in the jimmies? Is Stacey Abrams Madam Hotness now? Can somebody read this and tell me what happened? Aw shit, <a href="https://wapo.st/2qLnEEm" target="_blank">NOPE. </a></p><p>9. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/jim-acosta-give-back-my-press-pass-or-i-will-kill-again" target="_blank">CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN</a>. This one I know about. They sued Trump, Trump lost, Trump declared <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trump-gets-kicked-in-the-nuts-by-acosta-declares-himself-the-winner" target="_blank">FLAWLESS VICTORY.</a> </p><p>8. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trumps-matt-whitaker-appointment-turning-into-clownf-ck-of-jacob-wohl-proportions" target="_blank">Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions</a>. You heard about this fucking guy? I was in #Mexico, and I still heard about this fucking guy. Does this post have anything about the big-dickin' toilet? Because all the posts should really have something about the toilet for dicks.</p><p>7. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trump-white-house-so-mad-everybody-can-tell-matthew-whitaker-is-bumbling-unqualified-meathead-moron" target="_blank">Trump White House So Mad Everybody Thinks Matthew Whitaker Is Dumb Unqualified Meathead Dickbrain</a>. This one should have it too, I don't know, I was on vacation. Have you been on a vacation lately? I recommend them A LOT.</p><p>6. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/wisconsin-school-district-says-nazi-salute-prom-photo-not-reflective-of-their-values" target="_blank">Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards</a>. Kids heil the darnedest things! </p><p>5. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/here-is-your-bloody-kurt-vonnegut-again-for-the-centenary-of-the-armistice" target="_blank">Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice</a>. I didn't read this, but several people sent us money for posting it, so it's probably really good. You should read it, and then if you want you should send us money.</p><p>4. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/florida-recount-happening-andrew-gillum-unconcedes-hooray" target="_blank">Florida Recount Happening, Andrew Gillum Unconcedes. Hooray!</a> :(</p><p>3. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/fox-anchor-cant-believe-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-wont-sell-clothes-she-doesnt-own-to-pay-d-c-rent" target="_blank">Fox News Can't Believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Won't Sell Clothes She Doesn't Own To Pay DC Rent</a>. The number of gross old white men who can't WAIT to police AOC and her body is somewhat disconcerting!</p><p>2. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/sean-hannity-cannot-believe-michelle-obama-would-be-so-crass-as-to-bring-up-trumps-birtherism" target="_blank">Sean Hannity Cannot Believe Michelle Obama Would Be So Crass As To Bring Up Trump's Birtherism.</a> I feel like I know what this post is about just from the headline. WE ARE SERVICEY.</p><p>1. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/the-top-5-reasons-robert-mueller-is-about-to-indict-the-sh-tfire-outta-some-folks-according-to-science" target="_blank">The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science</a>. My friend Deb was reading this one while I was on vacation at her house in #Mexico and she was laughing and laughing, so it's probably good.</p><p>BOOM, I HELPED. </p><p>Now, if you didn't see it before, <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/products/kamala-2020-mens-and-womens-t-shirts" target="_blank">buy our KAMALA 2020 T-shirts,</a> designed by my husband, hand-machine-transferred by me, and packaged up and sent to you by my son and daughter-in-law, so there SHOULD be a lot fewer messed-up orders than when I was fulfilling them, my goodness I am bad at things! </p><p><br></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<a href="https://assets.rbl.ms/18841384/980x.png" target="_blank"><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xODg0MTM4NC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYwMTY5NjgzNX0.ORLXvEHz8BjDYVYjXDDKaT1gpxQ5c_0NgUw9W0vy-8k/img.png?width=980" id="2eca1" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="349be5bd946e26cc3a03eeeccb5ab805" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image"></a>
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</p><p>Now, as promised, here is our bebe Mexicana, doing bebe Mexicana things, like eating ceviche and drinking pina coladas (wait, that was me) and mostly never getting the hell out of the pool. I would like to personally thank you for helping us pay our writers and ourselves a living wage and also vacation, we fucking needed it and now I WON'T DIE.</p>
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xODg0NTE2NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTU5NTQwNDg0M30.z04oAStrxCHD7zfKuiHnAiJMLF3KexmBlY14VipSAQQ/img.jpg?width=980" id="95a2f" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="5b16f60a7f36dc3ad55b0fb754db6f22" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
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<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xODg0NTE3NC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyMjM4NTg1N30.wW7RF5Y7CjWFS50AMtoZW6ejUcZS5VE9mjwmeRZTazE/img.jpg?width=980" id="e46c0" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9c6ee20e5fb9f6d52618cc5697cda53d" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xODg0NTE3NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxODY2MzM0Mn0.camYy3xbIjYacBHH1ePzjNql53eDT8y_Dv_Z805Ctd0/img.jpg?width=980" id="3979d" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="3ad75ebb69ab90042afd7956986baf3c" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
<p>Gracias, te amos, adios! </p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten BRB We Are Going To Mexico
Either for celebrating or a sadness coma, guess we'll find out which!
October 13, 2018 10:30 AM
Now, hear us out: EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. So just as soon as the midterms are over, once we decide if we'll be drinking for sadness or pleasure, we are headed to Akumal, Meheeco. We guess we'll have a party there! So if you're like in Cancun-ish, or Playa del Carmen, hit us up at rebecca at wonkette dot com so we can buy you tequila with your fellow readers' Robert De Niro.
Now shut up, it is time for your weekly Top Ten!
<p>1. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/shut-up-jared-no-one-brings-a-bone-saw-to-an-innocent-business-meeting" target="_self">SHUT UP, JARED! No One Brings A Bone Saw To An Innocent Business Meeting.</a> Five Dollar Feminist is the most popular bloggeress of yesterday and the week, by lots!</p><p>2. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/trump-didnt-win-in-spite-of-the-access-hollywood-tape-but-because-of-it" target="_self">TRUMP DIDN'T WIN IN SPITE OF THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE. HE WON BECAUSE OF IT.</a> Robyn wrote this, and you guys loved the shit out of it. "We love this post," you wrote when you sent me money. So thanks Robyn, drinks are <del>on</del> for me. </p><p>3. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/my-mother-is-screaming" target="_self">MY MOTHER IS SCREAMING</a>. This is a sad story, about my mama, told with her permission. :(<br></p><p>4. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/welcome-to-gilead-kavanaughs-on-the-scotus-and-everything-is-broken" target="_self">WELCOME TO GILEAD: KAVANAUGH'S ON THE SCOTUS AND EVERYTHING IS BROKEN</a>. Robyn again! Kavanaugh: poop.</p><p>5. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/how-do-we-love-thee-wonkette-readers-let-us-count-your-money" target="_self">WE'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER, FUCK-KNOCKERS!</a> And me again! You guys NEVER click the money-beg posts, which is what this was, but maybe you thought it was about Kavanaugh I guess? Also, after I reminded you again that only one percent of our readers are sending us money, you guys turned it up! Now somewhere between 1.2 and 1.3 percent of you are ponying the fuck up, which is a pretty bitchen increase over just two months. Thanks loves! Now the rest of you: Make the pie higher! <br></p><p>6. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/beto-orourke-gets-solo-hour-on-cnn-after-ted-cruz-wusses-out-of-town-hall" target="_self">SET YOUR DVR, CNN GONNA AIR BETO O'ROURKE'S PRETTY FACE FOR AN HOUR WITH NO GROSS TED CRUZ BOOGER LIPS IN SIGHT</a>. Gross, thanks a lot, DOK.<br></p><p>7. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/nebraska-democrat-lady-just-might-ride-trumps-trade-wars-into-us-senate" target="_self">NEBRASKA DEMOCRAT LADY JUST MIGHT RIDE TRUMP'S TRADE WARS INTO US SENATE</a>. Dok again, with a reminder that, actually, there's a lady running for Senate in Nebraska who we don't need to ignore? </p><p>8. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/looks-like-gop-blew-brett-kavanaughs-wad-a-few-weeks-early" target="_self">Looks Like GOP Blew Brett Kavanaugh's Wad A Few Weeks Early</a>. Evan with the poll porn! </p><p>9. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/un-climate-report-you-know-guys-we-can-still-fix-this" target="_self">UN CLIMATE REPORT: YOU KNOW, GUYS, WE *CAN* STILL FIX THIS!!</a> And Dok being really uncharacteristically hopey. DOK, BE MORE HOPEY, I said, AND HE DID! </p><p>10. <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/melanie-trump-invades-africa-and-all-she-got-was-this-lousy-pith-helmet" target="_self">MELANIE TRUMP INVADED AFRICA AND ALL SHE GOT WAS THIS LOUSY PITH HELMET</a>. Stephen Robinson dunking on Melanie, which is pretty much what he does most days. </p><p>And there you have it, dearhearts, your most popular posts of the week chosen not by Beyonce but by SCIENCE. And I didn't even cheat to include mine on there, you guys were just weird I think.</p><p>You money us now. Make it like 1.4 percent of our readers, whoa how would we even spend all that dough. OH RIGHT, with freelancer raises plus Mexico.</p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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