Culture

YES, PANIC.

By which I mean come see us tonight, Vancouver, and tomorrow, Seattle!

My mom, God love her, has a touch of Marianne Williamson to her, a vestige of her 30 years with healing crystal friends in Southern California. She doesn't have Williamson's anti-science crazy, but she holds the idea that if I talk about my paranoia, my deep suspicion verging on certainty that His Lunatics have already started their shooting war, I am putting it out there in the universe and creating it as fact.

I always yes her. Yes, Mom, yes, I know. Of course, yes. I never argue that we need to be alert to the dangers around us, and that refusing to name the monster will not make it go away.

I am supposed to plump you up here, to assure you that in the case of that shooting war, we will have the military on our side, and we may. But we won't have the small town police departments, or even the Portland PD. I am not supposed to let the shooting war enter my brain at all, or I will ideate their bullets with the 3D printer of my mind. I must be a cheerful warrior, pure of heart and without fear; paranoia is bad for readership, unless your readers are stupid wingnuts desperate to SELL GOLD and BUILD THEIR BUNKERS for the HOLY RACE WAR they've got their sad old boners for.

I have been on vacation I think a week now, and the paranoia hasn't receded a bit.

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Wonkebago

She Don't Lie She Don't Lie She Don't Lie SPOKANE

Wednesday night, bitches, come see us!

Spokane, Anacortes, Vancouver, Canada, and Seattle! We are loading up the Wonkebago with gasoline and children and dogs and sausages and watermelon salads (watermelon, lime zest and lime juice, and SHY'S BEEZ HONEY!), and coming to see YOU! Join us, like a common partygoer what loves to be fed and drinked and kissed on their faces!

Spokane, Wed., Aug. 21 (that is tomorrow!), 5:30 to 8 p.m. at Audubon Park, 3405 N. Milton St! May you bring us a dish to share? Only if you feel like it! May you bring us presents of pot? Well we are law-abiding law-abiders, so yes you fucking may.

Anacortes, Thurs., Aug. 22, 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. at Washington Park. Look for the children and dogs! And the Wonkette banner! Same as above!

Then we are taking an actual vacation and leaving Evan in charge because he is that perfect late-30s power-hungry for the job! And we will see you again in ...

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Wonkebago

Get In Losers, We're Going To Canada

Wonkebago comin' at you, eh?

If you are like us, you have wondered MANY TIMES over the past 30 months what would be the inflection point, to borrow a phrase from Kamala Harris, at which it would be time to FLEEEEEEE. Mine is "when they seize my bank accounts." Not really any going back from there! Luckily, we have a Wonkebago. And Canuck friends? We have YOU!

We haven't felt the itch to run even once since we got our passports, after some State Department fuckery, in the US mail. (They weren't accepting Old Dad's "birth certificate," from "New Jersey," as a form of ID.) But since we've got 'em, and you've been asking, and it's almost time for a working vacation at Shy's family's cabin*, well get out your calendars and your recreational marijuana because Spokane, Seattle, and VANCOUVER CANADA, we are coming to see you ... temporarily. Consider it a dry run.

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Wonkebago

NEW YORK CITY! Last Minute Drinky Thing With Your Robyn SATURDAY, Come And Drink And Gawk At Robyn!

Just look for 'Young Linda Ronstadt' holding down the bar.

Wonky folk! Our own Robyn Pennacchia is doing something she has never done before, and it is HOST A WONKETTE DRINKY THING in New York City! She is in your fine city from Chicago doing whatever, I am sure she will tell you all about it when she sees you TOMORROW, SATURDAY, JUNE 8, from 3 to 5:30 p.m. at B BAR in the East Village. (40 E 4th St, New York, NY 10003)

Could we have found a cooler place, by which I mean a less cool place? YES. But either they never answered their goddamn fucking phones, or they were like 15 bus stops from the nearest subway, and you are old and would have been :(

Your drinks are on you, but Robyn will be holding my credit card and buying appetizers for everyone, and if you are like BUT REBECCA, YOU ARE BEING SUED RIGHT NOW, YOU NEED THAT MONEY FOR LAWYERS, well, nobody ever said mama makes good business decisions.

EXCEPT EVERYONE!

Now give us money, and GO SEE YOUR FAVORITE CHICK WHAT IS NOT ME.

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