Just look for 'Young Linda Ronstadt' holding down the bar.
Wonky folk! Our own Robyn Pennacchia is doing something she has never done before, and it is HOST A WONKETTE DRINKY THING in New York City! She is in your fine city from Chicago doing whatever, I am sure she will tell you all about it when she sees you TOMORROW, SATURDAY, JUNE 8, from 3 to 5:30 p.m. at B BAR in the East Village. (40 E 4th St, New York, NY 10003)
Could we have found a cooler place, by which I mean a less cool place? YES. But either they never answered their goddamn fucking phones, or they were like 15 bus stops from the nearest subway, and you are old and would have been :(
Your drinks are on you, but Robyn will be holding my credit card and buying appetizers for everyone, and if you are like BUT REBECCA, YOU ARE BEING SUED RIGHT NOW, YOU NEED THAT MONEY FOR LAWYERS, well, nobody ever said mama makes good business decisions.
Now give us money, and GO SEE YOUR FAVORITE CHICK WHAT IS NOT ME.
It's a surprise impromptu Denver Drinky Thing! Come see us! TODAY!
Yesterday, our connecting flight in Denver from Cancun, it was bad. How bad was it, Rebecca? Well, half an hour into it, the pilot informed us he wasn't climbing to altitude because the cabin wouldn't pressurize, and the backup cabin pressurization system had failed too. That's when I looked down at my three-year-old daughter and saw she was fassssst asleep despite yammering like a common three-year-old daughter until about a minute before.
My daughter is in an airplane oxygen deprivation coma, I thought, as the captain turned us back toward Denver and the ice storm appeared below us so we couldn't see the ground but COULD feel the plane's engines struggling and chugging like the Little Engine That Could, carrying the toys for all the good boys and girls on the other side of the mountain. Which sounds sweet and adorable, if I weren't more frightened than I have ever been in my life.
It was a bad fucking flight, is what I am saying. So they put us on another one, which sat at the gate an hour or two with its mystery mechanical issues, until 6:06 p.m., when the airline could cancel the flight for "ice storm" and thus not have to put anyone up.
Which is when I made the executive decision to get the FUCK out of the airport, NOT try again in the morning, and have Shy find us the nicest hotel downtown. Hello from the Oxford! Which just happens to be across the street from John Hickenlooper's Wynkoop Beer Company, and I think you should meet us there, at the Wynkoop, if you are able, TODAY, SUNDAY, from 3 to 5 p.m., where, unfortunately, we will not be buying your beers, because we just spent all the money at the nicest hotel downtown. But join us anyway, buy your own beer, and we'll throw in some appetizers, because love.
We love you!
God bless them, every one.
The kindergartners are having active shooter drills. They are hiding in the closets, crying and messing their pants. We traumatize them every day, to keep them "safe." But what should we do, NOT teach our babies to rush the bad man? (Yes. We should not teach our babies to rush the bad man.)
For years now, Moms Demand and Everytown for Gun Safety and Gabrielle Giffords and her husband Astronaut Mark have been trying to save America from itself -- to change it from the kind of country that lets forty-seven of its children get shot with guns EVERY DAY. To change it from the kind of nation that doesn't even charge the adults who leave their guns around their children, who then do the utterly expected. And we watch and wish it could be different, but the NRA is too powerful, there is nothing we can do, we might as well just lie down and die, in a shower of lead.
But the Parkland kids -- they would NOT BE IGNORED, DAN. They are fierce and powerful and FUCKING MAGNIFICENT, and as they start college -- they're barely in college! -- they are dragging the rest of us along for a master class in ENOUGH, while it's the NRA that is weakened and dying.
In March, we drove from Montana to DC to kiss the children on their beautiful faces. We gave them IMPEACH hats, and bought 'spensive pizzas, and we wept. The old black lady wept. The old white man with the cauliflower nose sobbed. My husband pretended he did not cry, but he cried. We were there only to back them up. They have made this fight, they have done the work, they have grown up in a hot fucking second through no choice of their own. They needed to know that we -- so wishy-washy in our middle-age, so sure the NRA was unbeatable and that we CAN'T -- were changed by their fury, just as they were.
This is what I wrote then, when you, our readers, sent us there in our ridiculous RV:
But we can have their backs -- the 88-year-old man on the train whose sign said OLD PEOPLE VOTE EVERY SINGLE TIME, and all the middle-aged mothers like me, and the husbands who cherish their children but for real, not like how Donald Trump "cherishes" a woman. And there are so many of us, so many millions, and we will vote, and we will end our nation's insane bloodlust at the ballot box. I have never felt more hope and joy -- okay, the morning after Obama's election, but that's the ONLY time in my 45 years when there was such a clarity of goodness in our nation's collective heart.
My mom was born in Hawaii, and is the same age as Obama's mother, so she feels like he is her child too -- the child of her entire generation. I feel the same way about these marvelous, brave, beautiful teens. They're all of ours, they belong to us.
And we will do this for them, and we will do it behind them, will have their goddamn backs for once, because our babies are FUCKING MAGNIFICENT.
And November came, and for once I was right.
Thank you for being our friend.
Did you miss me?
I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."
Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!
10. WTF Is Happening In Georgia? A Lawsplainer Of All The Courts Kicking Brian Kemp In The Jimmies Right Now. Did Brian Kemp get kicked in the jimmies? Is Stacey Abrams Madam Hotness now? Can somebody read this and tell me what happened? Aw shit, NOPE.
9. CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN. This one I know about. They sued Trump, Trump lost, Trump declared FLAWLESS VICTORY.
8. Trump's Matt Whitaker Appointment Turning Into ClownF*ck Of 'Jacob Wohl' Proportions. You heard about this fucking guy? I was in #Mexico, and I still heard about this fucking guy. Does this post have anything about the big-dickin' toilet? Because all the posts should really have something about the toilet for dicks.
7. Trump White House So Mad Everybody Thinks Matthew Whitaker Is Dumb Unqualified Meathead Dickbrain. This one should have it too, I don't know, I was on vacation. Have you been on a vacation lately? I recommend them A LOT.
6. Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards. Kids heil the darnedest things!
5. Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice. I didn't read this, but several people sent us money for posting it, so it's probably really good. You should read it, and then if you want you should send us money.
3. Fox News Can't Believe Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Won't Sell Clothes She Doesn't Own To Pay DC Rent. The number of gross old white men who can't WAIT to police AOC and her body is somewhat disconcerting!
2. Sean Hannity Cannot Believe Michelle Obama Would Be So Crass As To Bring Up Trump's Birtherism. I feel like I know what this post is about just from the headline. WE ARE SERVICEY.
1. The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science. My friend Deb was reading this one while I was on vacation at her house in #Mexico and she was laughing and laughing, so it's probably good.
BOOM, I HELPED.
Now, if you didn't see it before, buy our KAMALA 2020 T-shirts, designed by my husband, hand-machine-transferred by me, and packaged up and sent to you by my son and daughter-in-law, so there SHOULD be a lot fewer messed-up orders than when I was fulfilling them, my goodness I am bad at things!
Now, as promised, here is our bebe Mexicana, doing bebe Mexicana things, like eating ceviche and drinking pina coladas (wait, that was me) and mostly never getting the hell out of the pool. I would like to personally thank you for helping us pay our writers and ourselves a living wage and also vacation, we fucking needed it and now I WON'T DIE.
Gracias, te amos, adios!