2018: The Year The Children Did Lead Us
God bless them, every one.
The kindergartners are having active shooter drills. They are hiding in the closets, crying and messing their pants. We traumatize them every day, to keep them "safe." But what should we do, NOT teach our babies to rush the bad man? (Yes. We should not teach our babies to rush the bad man.)
For years now, Moms Demand and Everytown for Gun Safety and Gabrielle Giffords and her husband Astronaut Mark have been trying to save America from itself -- to change it from the kind of country that lets forty-seven of its children get shot with guns EVERY DAY. To change it from the kind of nation that doesn't even charge the adults who leave their guns around their children, who then do the utterly expected. And we watch and wish it could be different, but the NRA is too powerful, there is nothing we can do, we might as well just lie down and die, in a shower of lead.
But the Parkland kids -- they would NOT BE IGNORED, DAN. They are fierce and powerful and FUCKING MAGNIFICENT, and as they start college -- they're barely in college! -- they are dragging the rest of us along for a master class in ENOUGH, while it's the NRA that is weakened and dying.
Wonkette's Top Ten Is BACK IN ACTION!
Did you miss me?
I told Evan to go ahead and skip the Top Ten, and I would write it at ya, to thank you for sending me to #Mexico and give you baby pictures of #Mexico, and you know what that bitch did? He started the post anyway and put all the links in it, like some kind of common helpful DOK. He either would like a raise, or to ensure that ONLY HIS POSTS WERE ADDED BY "BEYONCE."
Let's learn, together, about what happened this week while mama did vacation like a common Michelle Obama, spending all the GRRR TAXPAYER MONEY all la-di-da, going to Spain to see the king!
Wonkette's Weekly Top Ten BRB We Are Going To Mexico
Either for celebrating or a sadness coma, guess we'll find out which!
Now, hear us out: EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. So just as soon as the midterms are over, once we decide if we'll be drinking for sadness or pleasure, we are headed to Akumal, Meheeco. We guess we'll have a party there! So if you're like in Cancun-ish, or Playa del Carmen, hit us up at rebecca at wonkette dot com so we can buy you tequila with your fellow readers' Robert De Niro.
Now shut up, it is time for your weekly Top Ten!
Eastern Washington Wonkers, Are You Spokane For?
We can all hang out at Rachel Dolezal's place. Or better, not!
It is Friday, Yr Wonkette's back end (that's website talk) has been cranky all afternoon like a digital babby that needs a nap, and we are all stuck in the stupidest timeline. The one way we know it's not actually hell is that there are still adorable doggies and kitties and sloths, no to mention toddlers preschoolers named Donna Rose, and of course you, you lovely wonderful readers of ourn. And if you're in Eastern Washington or its environs, you can come out to meet Yr Editrix, Yr Shypixel, and Yr one day Benevolent Monarch Donna Rose come this Sunday in the Evergreen State's second-largest city, Spokane!
What Horror Awaits As Soon As Trix Goes On Vacay? An Important Wonkette Poll Of Importance!
See ya wouldn't wanna be ya!
HEY FUCKERS. I AM GOING ON VACATION, STARTING NOW, AND I AM LEAVING YOU FOR NINE ENTIRE DAYS IN A ROW.
Unless you're in Seattle (see you Saturday, 4 to 7 p.m. at Discovery Park!) or Bellingham (Sunday, 2 to 5 p.m. at Sunnyland Park!), or Spokane (Sun., Aug. 19, 2 to 5 p.m. at Audubon Park!). But the REST of you sluts I will not be seeing at all!
You will be in the capable hands of Evan, supported by Dok, Dom, Robyn, $5F, Stephen and Wonderbitch. (OH! Stephen AND DOK will be in Seattle too! You should probably ride your bike to the train to the bus to the park and see us!) But that is not important. What is important is: WHAT HORRIFYING NEWS STORY IS GOING TO FORCE ME TO LEAVE MY ISLAND, GET ON A BOAT, AND GO TO THE INTERNET CAFE ON THE OTHER ISLAND?
May We Have Some More?
It's that time of the month again! THE BEGGING TIME!
Hello my sweethearts hello my darlings hello my ragtime gaaaaals! It is the time when we gather around the pic-a-mick blanket and also pick your pocket, you lucky fucks!
How is this day different from all other days? It is not. It is the same.
We don't want to freak you out, but yesterday Upworthy laid off most of its staff, and our educated guess would be Facebook deciding that the people who like Upworthy do not want to see posts from Upworthy. Here, for instance, is the traffic Facebook now sends to Wonkette.
Seattle, Bellingham, Spokane, Washington: Prepare The Wine And Women
And bring them to me.
Sup fuckers? Mama needs to get on the open road and water, and this time, that means SEATTLE, BELLINGHAM, and SPOKANE, WASHINGTON, YOU SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE OF US.
Remember Elian Gonzalez?
The dads. The dads were PISSED.
It was 18 years ago. The little boy, whose mother had died on the raft trip from Cuba. His Miami relatives wanted him to keep him, for freedom. His father, in Cuba, wanted him FUCKING BACK.
Denver, Colorado, We Are Mile High, TONIGHT!
DO YOU GET IT IT IS A DENVER OMELET.
Can't make a Denver omelet without breaking some eggs
Oklahoma Teachers Wa-Wa-Wa-WALKOUT (And Wonkette Is There!)
Get your hot Oklahoma teacher walkout pix here!
I think we found the Wonkette mascot.
Wichita Tonight And Denver On Wednesday, We Are On The Road Again!
Come and see us while the seein's good!
The Wonkebago WAS dead! Long live the Wonkebago! (It was nothing, just a short in the sensor that LETS IT DRIVE. It dried out and we were on the road again.)
DO NOT Meet Us In St. Louis!
Repeat: DO NOT meet us in St. Louis, we got CANCELLED.
Y'all, the #wonkebago et mort, at least for today, and possibly for the next two weeks depending on "parts" and "bullshit." We'll let you all know about Wichita and Denver!
Lexington, Kentucky, Let Us Shine Like The Moon!
When we get home from this trip, we're never leaving again, so MEET US WHILE THE MEETIN'S GOOD.
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Sunshine On Our Shoulders, West Virginia To Denver, Wonkette's Comin' On Home
Our route's changed a tiny, better check and see if we're parked in your driveway RIGHT NOW!
We are so tired, you wonderful terrible ones. So fucking tired. We saw, we marched, we cried our eyes out. Have a list of places we will be this week and next, and come out and perk us up! We've changed our route a tiny (Kansas City, you got boned), so maybe we're in your driveway RIGHT NOW!
The Children Are Here, And They're FUCKING MAGNIFICENT
We are all wrung out with our love for them.
We Are In DC, Gon' TAKE YOUR FUCKING GUNS :D
A couple weeks ago, we left Montana to head to DC for the #teens' March For Our Lives (we drive slow). We stopped by to see our girlfriend on the way out of town, and her friendly, not-stupid, but very racist trucker boyfriend was so happy for us! "Whatcha doing in New York?" he wanted to know. He was so excited! "No, we're going to DC," I told him, delightedly. "We're going to take your guns!"
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