WONKERS, COME OUT TO PLAAAAY-AY!
Of course it wasn't anything we said. We continue to be perfect. But you all have flown away, little birdies, I am guessing for the same reason you turned off the MSNBC: YOU ARE DEPRESSED AS SHIT, MUELLER DIDN'T SAVE US, BILL BARR COVERED UP THE THING (FOR NOW), AND TRUMP IS DECLARING FLAWLESS VICTORY and you have said "ENOUGH. I will turn the news back on next month, or the month after."
Trust me, mama fuckin' GETS IT. We don't want to watch the news either, jerks, but UGH it is our JOB. And after a weekend spent going to the hot spring and then going to the other hot spring when the first hot spring was like "we are fancy now, do you have a reservation that your butler called in?" while Old Dad babysat the Wonkette pre-schooler while we were off on a date to the hot spring and then the other hot spring and NOT watching the news, now we are back, and you know what? Oh MAN it is not over, no matter how many times Glenn Greenwald does his TRUMP INNOCENT peacock tail feather flamenco dance. That guy is weird. He's also
My point what I am saying is our readership has cratered this month, and even though I GET IT, I'm still worrying my face off. (No need to comment on how we are useless #resistance-grifter centrists who don't even love Tulsi Gabbard right, please, good-faith pen-pal man; you take your bad self on back to RT.)
Of course it's not just us. Friends with other lib blogs report their numbers are "off" too, and Rachel Maddow might as well be Wonkette for how her viewers are sleeping it off. (And also naked.) Which means I am worrying LESS than I was two days ago about being the worst and everyone hates us. Yes, AOC, we DO feel a little impostory sometimes.
So if all y'all could be swell and share our stories to your Reddit and your BookSnap, and your knitting group and your Satanic Fellowship, we'd mightily appreciate it. Lots of our stories aren't even depressing, sometimes! They are fun, and zippy, and important and policy-focused and ... well, not optimistic necessarily, but most of them don't make you want to actually die.
And that reminds us that WE ALSO NEED MONEY.
If you are already giving us money, please don't send more. (Unless you have a bunch left over at the end of the month and just are feelin' FUCK IT WHY NOT.) But if you're one of the few, the proud, the brave, who are STILL at Wonkette while everyone else is on shore leave, maternity leave, or both, and if you are able, please do kick in. We're $9,000 under our nut for the month, and that is ... I don't even have words for how much that is. All of it? Yes. It is all of it. Will we die if we don't make the $9,000? NO. We will not die for at least another month, because you guys were awesome in December and also because we will never die, because we're too cussed.
So yes, we'll be here to the bitter end -- and after that bitter end, we're going to take everyone to the Caribbean, or Brittany, or Norway, I DON'T KNOW, SOMEWHERE, for a week once Fuckhead finally resigns. No, not Adam Schiff; the president!
That day's coming. And so can you!
What's that? Is it? OPEN THREAD????
If you can, please choose an amount, make it one-time or monthly, and then CLICK either Stripe or Paypal. (If you are like someone I love, she thought she'd been sending us two dollarses like 10 times a month and didn't know she had to click the payment method. So do that please! We love you. K bye.)
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.