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WONKERS, COME OUT TO PLAAAAY-AY!

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Of course it wasn't anything we said. We continue to be perfect. But you all have flown away, little birdies, I am guessing for the same reason you turned off the MSNBC: YOU ARE DEPRESSED AS SHIT, MUELLER DIDN'T SAVE US, BILL BARR COVERED UP THE THING (FOR NOW), AND TRUMP IS DECLARING FLAWLESS VICTORY and you have said "ENOUGH. I will turn the news back on next month, or the month after."

Trust me, mama fuckin' GETS IT. We don't want to watch the news either, jerks, but UGH it is our JOB. And after a weekend spent going to the hot spring and then going to the other hot spring when the first hot spring was like "we are fancy now, do you have a reservation that your butler called in?" while Old Dad babysat the Wonkette pre-schooler while we were off on a date to the hot spring and then the other hot spring and NOT watching the news, now we are back, and you know what? Oh MAN it is not over, no matter how many times Glenn Greenwald does his TRUMP INNOCENT peacock tail feather flamenco dance. That guy is weird. He's also

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My point what I am saying is our readership has cratered this month, and even though I GET IT, I'm still worrying my face off. (No need to comment on how we are useless #resistance-grifter centrists who don't even love Tulsi Gabbard right, please, good-faith pen-pal man; you take your bad self on back to RT.)

Of course it's not just us. Friends with other lib blogs report their numbers are "off" too, and Rachel Maddow might as well be Wonkette for how her viewers are sleeping it off. (And also naked.) Which means I am worrying LESS than I was two days ago about being the worst and everyone hates us. Yes, AOC, we DO feel a little impostory sometimes.

So if all y'all could be swell and share our stories to your Reddit and your BookSnap, and your knitting group and your Satanic Fellowship, we'd mightily appreciate it. Lots of our stories aren't even depressing, sometimes! They are fun, and zippy, and important and policy-focused and ... well, not optimistic necessarily, but most of them don't make you want to actually die.

And that reminds us that WE ALSO NEED MONEY.

If you are already giving us money, please don't send more. (Unless you have a bunch left over at the end of the month and just are feelin' FUCK IT WHY NOT.) But if you're one of the few, the proud, the brave, who are STILL at Wonkette while everyone else is on shore leave, maternity leave, or both, and if you are able, please do kick in. We're $9,000 under our nut for the month, and that is ... I don't even have words for how much that is. All of it? Yes. It is all of it. Will we die if we don't make the $9,000? NO. We will not die for at least another month, because you guys were awesome in December and also because we will never die, because we're too cussed.

So yes, we'll be here to the bitter end -- and after that bitter end, we're going to take everyone to the Caribbean, or Brittany, or Norway, I DON'T KNOW, SOMEWHERE, for a week once Fuckhead finally resigns. No, not Adam Schiff; the president!

That day's coming. And so can you!

What's that? Is it? OPEN THREAD????

If you can, please choose an amount, make it one-time or monthly, and then CLICK either Stripe or Paypal. (If you are like someone I love, she thought she'd been sending us two dollarses like 10 times a month and didn't know she had to click the payment method. So do that please! We love you. K bye.)

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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