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A dire threat is sweeping this great nation of ours: folks that hate teh ghey! Yes, that’s right, this week’s column will be about the Homofobik Teenz! Now, before I begin, perhaps a slight disclaimer is in order. Not ALL teenz, even with our reputation for conformity and closed-mindedness and the like, are homophobes. Some of us even run Facebook pages devoted to striking down DOMA, creatively titled Strike Down The Defense Of Marriage Act, which you should go and check out, and this is absolutely not a shameless plug for my own Facebook page or anything.


First of all, I am going to address actual, like, legit homophobes. I am talking about full-on Leviticus quoting fundies, here, and they are fucking terrifying. Seriously, I am actually afraid of them sometimes. Not because I am gay or anything, I’m no queer, ok, jeez. I am SO FUCKING STRAIGHT that I braid girls’ hair, hug other guys for extended periods of time, and admit that certain men are handsome, AND I AM STILL 100% POSITIVE THAT I AM STRAIGHT SO THERE.

But the fact remains that SOME people threaten the fabric of our society, and seek to destroy the institution and definition of love as we know it: between two people, regardless of gender, who want to spend their lives together. And, sadly enough, homophobes on this scale are not just dusty relics of humanity such as Pat Robertson; they have taken the form of Youth. This extends to more than those assholes who bully Ghey Teenz to the point of suicide. Included in this category are people who simply don’t like/don’t understand gay people: “I have gay friends, but they make bad choices and are sinners.” We have experienced them in our own lives, and they have told us that sex with your cousin is not as bad as The Gays, and that one gay should not be allowed to gay marry another gay because EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW GAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

They are the ones stating that gay people are going to hell because they chose to have a certain epigenetic trait, and that Jesus forgave all old testament sins EXCEPT for Sodomy (which actually means buttsex), even though it is vaguely referenced all of three times in the new testament, and ONLY in recent translations (DAMN YOU KING JAMES!). One would think that an exception to “Christ died for our sins and then forgave them” would be at least included in the original texts, but nope. So, since preachers had to indoctrinate the innocent youth SOMEHOW, they did what religion has done throughout the ages: manipulate their sacred texts into bullshit.

Luckily enough, there are ways to counter this. First of all, Our Ghey Teen BFFs tell us that a good way to avoid these people is to hang around girls and teachers a lot, as they are much more likely to understand and defend gay men, and also, straight men are intimidated by anything with a vagina. Also, informing people about Actual Factual Material can be helpful. Such as the fact that being gay is almost definitely epigenetic (that's like genetic, but slightly different), and less a psychological issue than a biological one. In other words, NOT A FUCKING CHOICE. Working on changing laws helps too, as making bigotry less a part of our legal system might at least stem the tides of stupid trying to destroy our sand castle of basic human decency. And if all else fails, have them befriend a gay person. Exposure can be the best thing to change someone’s mind.

There is another kind of homophobia running rampant through our populace, and it is almost invisible to us now. Casual homophobia is imbedded into our very language. Gay is used, even by Librul Teenz, as a synonym for stupid/lame. Scroll down any jock’s Facebook page, even those who write eloquent editorials in support of gay marriage, and you are bound to see them calling one of their friends “fag.” It’s like they forget that their previous post was defending those that they unconsciously insult in this one, or perhaps the meaning of fag has changed. No matter how much the laws have changed, as long as our very lexicon hates our fellow human beings, we will never have true freedom and equality.

A good way to change this is to actually point out that GAY MEANS GAY. If someone beats you in CoD Black Ops 2, they do not necessarily enjoy buttsex/whatever it is lesbians do. Pointing this out can actually help a little bit. When someone calls a movie gay because it didn’t end like they wanted, point out to them that it did not, in fact, involve rainbows to any major extent. If someone calls your shirt gay, thank them for calling you stylish. These useful factoids brought to you by Kid Zoom’s Counter Stereotypes™

Thankfully, things are beginning to change. Social networking has become a forum for pro-gay marriage messages, not to mention the red equals sign. Teens are becoming more accepting, especially at my school. People are openly gay without fear, and there are large communities of openly gay students among the popular kids, and a thriving Gay Straight Alliance.

But just remember, I’m no homo, ok?

Kid Zoom is a high school sophomore in the wilds of Idaho. He is Doktor Zoom's sprog. We pay him in video arcade tokens.

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