Wonket's Super Happy Love Shine Fun Pal (Who Is Not At All A Deranged Assbag) Bradlee Dean Explains How Word Salad Will Save America From Tyranny

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Wow, Your Wonkette is maybe in danger of becomingBradlee Dean Fanservice Central, but let us just say, the man does keep giving, does he not? Let us not forget that, when he's not having his lackeys send empty legal threats to innocent mommyblogs, Mr. Dean also has a very important job as a professional word-typer for WorldNutDaily, "the number-one news source in the world," according to Dean's very own promotional video. And as it happens, Bradlee Dean has a new WND column out right now, on the very important topic of "How To Shut Down a Tyrant"! That sounds pretty important, so let's see what advice Mr. Dean has for ending the human rights abuses of Bashar al-Assad, or maybe Kim Jong Un. Ha-ha, that was a jest, you see, because the tyrant that really has Mr. Dean exercised is of course, "Tyrant Barack Hussein Obama." Far be it from us to nitpick, but we would like to point out that "Tyrant" is neither Mr. Obama's name nor his title. He's the Kenyan Usurper. This is basic fact-checking, dude.


In any case, Dean is Very Worried, because our nation is beset by

great concern about how Tyrant Barack Hussein Obama has been out there attempting to win the hearts and minds of our young through his twisted and un-American ideologies.

Needless to say, Dean doesn't bother with trivialities like what exactly those twisted and un-American ideologies are; if you don't know by now, you just have not been paying attention. Dean then moves to the sophisticated rhetorical device known as argument by thesaurus:

Synonyms for a tyrant are oppressor, dictator, bully, despot, persecutor.

How fitting.

Don't you just love how he lays out the evidence like that?

But even though Tyrant Obama has been extending his mind-control tentacles into the forebrains of our younglings, Bradlee Dean believes he has an answer! All that's needed to resist "the indoctrination being imposed on the future generations of this great country" is a simple lesson:

The answer is all too simple: Show them the price of freedom.

It is $19. (Thanks, whoever that was!) And also the Constitution, which Bradlee Dean fears for, because of what he has seen when he preaches Christian sermons at public high schools (his shtick, remember, is to sell his show as an anti-bullying presentation, then show up and deliver a blast of unfiltered evangelism).

You see, he always asks the kids at these "constitutional lyceums" how well they know their Constitution. And here is the shocking reaction: "Many begin to laugh in sheer ignorance." The nerve! But then he brings them up short with a real stumper:

I then ask them how many have grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, dads and moms – maybe even brothers and sisters – who have fought, bled, or died to ratify and magnify the Constitution they do not even know.

Dean says that about 85% raise their hands, but because we are strict constructionists when it comes to words meaning something, we would estimate that roughly zero percent of them actually have living family members who ratified the Constitution. A fair number have probably magnified it, however, especially if they only have one of those little pocket editions.

Once students are reminded that the military exists and that people have died in wars, an amazing transformation takes place:

After seeing the price of freedom, the entire room is immediately captivated with a new love and respect for America and the laws of our constitutional republic.

They will also no longer tolerate anyone -- especially tyrants -- who would attempt to desecrate those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

Dean closes his shorter-than-usual column -- even for him, it has a remarkably low idea/word ratio -- with a video that he promises will be "life changing." We agree: if you watch it, like we did, you will have wasted 24 minutes of your life.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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