Highlander - "There Can Be Only One"

There is much handwringing across the Internet as our old NEMESIS (not our nemesis) ThinkProgress announces fuck it, they're done. Most of the handwringing on Twitter has been to remind people that the tweeter in question used to work there, so it wasn't ONLY peopled with neoliberal corporatist sheeple from the Center for American Progress. (They also slam Neera Tanden a lot, but most of the journalistic "interference" they cite from ThinkProgress's umbrella organization, CAP, was either A, Israel yeah for sure, or B, the time CAP bigfooted ThinkProgress because they offended Bernie Sanders by pointing out he stopped saying "millionaires" when he became one.) Some tiny bit of the handwringing has been to remind folks that there is no longer any "center-left" thinktank-funded journalism in all the land, while John McCain's son-in-law Ben Domenech got fat and bloated sucking off whoever funds The Federalist.

While Wonkette would be delighted to buy ThinkProgress, Wonkette does not have three million dollars a year to cover TP's operating shortfall. But thank you in advance for suggesting it in the comments.

ThinkProgress is not the only website Wonkette has defeated. Wonkette has defeated Gawker. (Well, maybe some billionaire vampires did that.) (And okay, we guess it was "bought" by Bustle.) (Like Mic.) (They're both pretty well and truly dead.) (Good luck to recent Bustle purchase The Outline, we're rooting for you.) Wonkette has defeated your twee writerly favorites -- and ours! -- The Toast and The Awl. We have beheaded the excellent Videogum and the decidedly not excellent Weekly Standard and the not-not-excellent PS Mag and the not-not-not-excellent -- actually I've no idea -- Snowden archives, which the Intercept stopped hosting because its billionaire got bored or Glenn Greenwald needed MOAR DOGS. We've also noted with resignation, just weeks ago now, the passing of the often-difficult Shakesville, understanding implicitly her final post about the dagger to your soul and body of sitting on this ungodly Internet 12 hours a day, watching President Fuckhead fuck heads.

And so it goes. ThinkProgress really was an excellent resource, if for some unknown reason you like your news without dicks drawn on it in Sharpie. So were all the others listed above, except the Weekly Standard which we'll see in hell.

If our tone is weird and brittle here -- ha ha, we kilt them? ho ho? -- it is because shit is fucked up and bullshit. Of course we don't want to see TP go; of course we don't like it when our "industry" hacks and wheezes and falls one by one at the side of the road. We stopped with the ads two years ago now, but others, like ThinkProgress, are still succumbing to the ad industry's squeezing and avarice, while venture capitalists pour more money into any site that says it can game the ad-buying auctions.

Wonkette does not actually want to be the last news site standing. But we are filling a niche -- and according to the latest "Ad Fontes Media Media Bias Chart," it's alllllll the way to the left and more "unreliable" than the guys at WND who THINK BARACK OBAMA LITERALLY ENSLAVED WHITE MEN, by hiring them, to work at the White House, where he was (WE HATE TO SAY IT) president.

Once again, go fuck yourself, Vanessa Otera, JD.

What I am saying, again, poorly, again, is that YOU cannot live without us. Several thousand of you a month, or about one percent of our regular monthly readership, are keeping us going because WE cannot live without you EITHER. And I need you -- I NEED YOU -- to make the pie higher, so the same 4,000 people a month aren't having to do it all, more, again. Here, see what happens when you don't:

George W. Bush Quote - Make the Pie Higherwww.youtube.com


Recession's coming. I get it. I'm scared too. We're all battening down our hatches against the twin Alabama Hurricanes of Trade War and Fucknut. But your Wonkette needs you to search inside yourself and say "do I have five or 10 bucks a month for this website I read a lot, and frankly it's mostly because they got rid of those FUCKING ADS?" and if you do, then ... Jesus Christ, click the thingie! (Not the thingie at the very bottom, under the authors' bios, which just showed up again for some reason and don't work. The big nice widget, where you choose an amount, then click "paypal" or "stripe." Or do us a Patreon, if you like those; it comes with presents! Probably maybe.)

We're gearing up for 2020 hard now, and I want to be able to hire our freelancers full-time. I want to give them healthcare. I want to take out the proper taxes. I want to have so many writers that some of them write AT NIGHT and there are POSTS READY TO GO when YOU get to WORK! Is that even legal????

Oh, and I also want to not take a massive paycut and stop paying off our (personal and business) debts because donations are down and I can't face firing anyone or cutting hours because I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM EITHER. I'm selfish like that.

The only model left -- ask ThinkProgress -- is crowdfunded, and you're crowdfunding us, and goddamn I love you for it. But you are our city. And a city of 400,000 people (yeah, you used to be more, but 400,000 is not a city to sneeze at), where every single person reads the paper, should be able to fund that paper to the tune of six staffers or -- am I dreaming? yes, a FEVER DREAM -- TEN.

Can't do it? Cool! Can't do it! I am judging you no way, no how. But there must be two percent of you 400,000, or fucking THREE PERCENT of you, who can.

Now give me your fucking money so I can write thank you notes and send out your T-shirts.

Oh, and RIP ThinkProgress, sorry I said we murdered you. You were big. It's the internet that got small.

XOXOXO forever, oh yeah, and open thread,


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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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