WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Alvin Greene Interview


Reporters who have made the pilgrimage to the humble home of South Carolina Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate Alvin Greene have noted how often his phone rings. And how often he answers it, even for members of the general public.You, yes you, after doing a simple Google search, can talk to a major party nominee for U.S. Senate. It's just a small part of the political revolution that is Alvin Greene. Now your Wonkette has called him, and we have recorded the interview, and you can listen to it.

But please do not listen to it. Your writer called Alvin Greene for the past few days, but he was not able to get through. He gave up. He lost faith, that quickly, in our country's political messiah. What a cynic! And when he surprisingly got through to Mr. Greene today, he was a complete asshole and couldn't get past his assholishness to ask any important questions, such as about the Dao. Snark has no place when one is talking to great men.

What you need to know from this interview:

  • Alvin Greene made a website!
  • He wouldn't say how he made a website, but it has something to do with wei wu wei.
  • Alvin Greene will move to D.C. after he wins the election, because he cares about the people. He will return humbly to his monastic life in South Carolina on the weekends and during breaks.
  • He is not thinking about the presidency yet (nor should he, as it will come to him through the Dao naturally). He thinks Obama is doing "okay."
  • Jack Stuef is an asshole.

There you go! You know what? Do listen to this interview. And remark on what a pale comparison of a human being your Wonkette writer is to a wise, generous man like Alvin Greene.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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