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Wonkette Infiltrates CPAC As Sarah Palin Reads Joke About Obama's Teleprompter From Teleprompter

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Wonkette Special Correspondent Prommie Promzerelli attended the Conservative Political Action Conference on a whim this weekend – and oh what fun was had! – as our dear Prommie soon found himself VIP-credentialed and fully immersed in CPAC’s unique and heterogeneous mix of the Libertarians, Angry Old People, Batshit Insane Colonial Re-enactors, College Republicans, and Prom-Queen Wannabees who had all flooded the halls of Maryland’s Gaylord Hotel. (Huh-huh... "Gaylord!")


CPAC, according to Prommie:

Saturday morning’s line-up was a short parade of horribles, a roster of all the usual conserva-talking suspects, including Scott Walker, Callista and Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, as well as actual brain surgeon Ben Carson, who recently achieved renown and Presidential consideration in Republican circles, for showing his conservative Obamacare-hating ass at the National Prayer Breakfast with President Obama. But as healthcare analyst J. Buffett said, I don't think I would ever let him cut on me.

The morning was full of how to take America back, but mostly the speechifiers were surprisingly quasi-sorta reasonable, with much in the way of hollow but appreciated gestures suggesting that hey, evil liberal democrats are people too, sort of, and we should maybe all maybe work together sometimes, to do something good for the country. All this was noticeably strange, considering they were all there as part of the the run up to the CPAC crowd favorite, and our favorite frumious bandersnatch ever, Sarah Palin.

Yes, the nastiest of nasty, most vile and reviled, wretched, snarky, winky, full of herself, queen of all idiotic smugness, Sarah Palin was our noon time “speaker.”

Palin threw a lot of raw meat and big gulps at the crowd, and they ate it allll up, despite the fact that it was so unfresh it could have starred in a Massengill ad. Because, seriously, it was the same old tired shit. Sarah tossed out all of her old favorites: Obama’s takin’ our guns! Hey Crowd! Where’s the liberal media? We got some surveyor marks for you guys, why dontcha stand up? Where are you liars? Sidenote -- honestly, it is sort of terrifying to be called out in a crowd full of rabble rousers when your rabble is the one they are actually getting whipped up to rouse. It just is.

She also went kinda slutty, “Todd’s got the gun and I’ve got the rack!” Gross. Then Sister Sarah skirted into Birther territory when she said “Obama wants background checks before we can exercise our 2nd Amendment rights, but maybe we should have had a background check on Obama first!!!” HEY! THAT’S a new idea! Why hasn’t ANYONE vetted the now second-term President and his Kenyan background? Like, Ever? It's almost as bad as that time when John McCain chose a vice presidential candidate after some cursory googling by his staff.

Apropos of nothing, in the middle of some nonsense about the Senate’s inability to pass a Federal Budget, Sarah, suffering from class-less-ness-envy, gratuitously invoked Joe Wilson’s apparently ubiquitous “YOU LIE!” with her ever-present self-satisfied sneer, and the crowd, of course, went wild with that rancid meat nugget. Palin also paid prop comedy homage to the smarter and much better coiffed Carrot Top, when she pulled out her Big Gulp, just to show that crowd that she was not about to give a shit about guidelines for healthy living, and she was ever so proud of her fatty-bratty behavior. We are just lucky she didn't do a little Honey Boo Boo belly squish for good measure.

But, her most ridiculous moment of all ridiculousness had to be when the jabbering hockey-momming-lip-glossing-pit-grizzley-bullying 2008 reject read an Obama-Teleprompter joke, throwing out there a tired four-year old remark to the effect, "Hey Mr. President, its time to step away from the teleprompter and do your job." Nothing new here, just some old rotted raw meat for the crowd, like the rest of her speech, but the amazing thing was, she read her Obama teleprompter joke FROM A TELEPROMPTER.

Yes, just before she was to take her turn with the talky-hatey thing, something very odd happened, for the first time all day. The stage crew appeared and set up ... teleprompters. NO ONE had used them up to this point, they weren’t even on or near the stage for anyone else at all. Not even Michele “one L, two crazy eyes” Bachmann had used a teleprompter til then, but Sarah had to have them, because her speech was too long to have written on her hands. Talk about your choots-pah!

But that's our always self aware Sarah, READ A JOKE ABOUT HOW LAME IT IS FOR OBAMZ TO USE TELEPROMPTERZZZ, from a teleprompter. Because she is the worst and stupid and wrong and dumb. And evil. Don't forget evil, also too.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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