It didn't. Come read your tabs!
Now you can sing the JUSTIFIED theme song while you read about all the people the FBI is still arresting for the Capitol Riot, like this prince! (HuffPost)
Or these ones!
hmm i wonder what caused the FBI to arrest two people. ahhh there it is https://t.co/UFw71iIbj2— Brendan Karet 🚮 (@Brendan Karet 🚮)1615928113.0
Youtuber so mad he is being charged with all the illegal things he filmed himself doing. (Jalopnik)
West Virginia Governor Jim Justice wants to attract throngs of people, maybe a Disney park, by slashing the income tax (and then increasing the sales tax). Oh no, don't get trampled in a cartoon stampede. (WV Public Radio)
Republicans worry that they shit the bed in forgetting to argue against the COVID relief bill, so Politico very helpfully gives them a chance to spout all the scurrilous lies and accusations they can imagineer, starting with noted truth teller Steve Bannon and progressing all the way to noted truth teller Newt Gingrich. If you can get past them and some other bitches being bitches, and why would you really, eventually Politico will tell you it's a good bill, it's a bipartisan bill, and darn it, people like it. (Politico)
Welcome back, earmarks! We missed you, buddies, and your politically lubricating ways, you are like a back rub and a Scotch but for congressional districts. (Brookings)
What's Sherrod Brown up to? Let's ask American Banker!
What's Lisa Murkowski up to? Voting to confirm Deb Haaland as Interior secretary (as did the other Alaska senator, what's his name), and being censured the next day by the Alaska Republican Party, who say they will recruit someone to primary her in 2022. Murk, just do it. All those votes toeing their stupid, anti-American line, and they want you politically dead. Come be a Democrat or at least an independent-who-caucuses-with-Democrats, so I can finally have a reason for thinking you'll do something good this time, maybe, a girl can dream. (Salon)
What's Marsha Blackburn up to? Well, as the country was in shock from the shooting rampage culmination of a year of anti-Asian hate crimes, she really really REALLY needs you to know whose side she is on.
The Biden Administration refuses to admit that China is responsible for this virus. What would make us think… https://t.co/sfctsknO19— Marsha Blackburn (@Marsha Blackburn)1616008440.0
Well. Um. Hrmmm. The sheriff's spokesman who said the shooter "had a bad day" previously shared his COVID-19 IMPORTED VIRUS FROM CHY-NA T-shirt on Facebook. Beyond everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING ELSE, how is that a phrase you would see on a shirt and then pay money for? What is it you want to tell the world so badly? That you should not be a public servant? (Buzzfeed)
A little history on the fetishization of Asian women, going back to the nation's first law prohibiting them from entering the country because "prostitution." (NBC News)
Hollywood and the hilarious "Asian" punchline — really, it's the whole punchline except when the punchline is "Asian sex worker," which too many of us have trafficked in. — Variety
The neighborhoods we made Black people move to through government-mandated redlining are more susceptible to flooding. Obviously. (Our Daily Planet)
*Music note emoji* Fox News wants you to die! *Music note emoji* — Molly Jong-Fast at Daily Beast
Oh dear, Europe is getting hit with a third COVID wave and vaccines have mostly been paused. Be careful Europe, we want you to be okay! — Politico
Martini is a tabs hed HERO. She found a Snopes on yesterday's stupid headline and it is everything we always wanted a tabs hed to be! "Online advertisements promoting this household tip involving vinegar, bread, and a garage did not actually explain or mention such a tip in its resulting 92-page slideshow." Also, they "may have meant to say 'garbage' instead of garage." (Snopes)
Pineapple Foster? I will never stop loving you, Food and Wine, like I stopped loving Elle Decor after they showed me 51 ugly chairs in a row. (Food and Wine)
Wondering what to do with that extra money burning a hole in your pocket? How about sending some to the ad-free, independent, solely supported by our readers snarkmob of your choice?
I feel like this has something to do with yeast infections. It's tabs!
Now back to our regularly scheduled mass shootings. A young man has shot up three different massage parlors in Atlanta, killing mostly Asian women as well as a white woman and a couple of men. We could wonder if he just hates women, or if he just hates Asian people because the former president was so successful in fingering them for the pandemic that hate crimes against Asian Americans are at about 30 times the usual hate crime rate, or if he just hates massage parlors, or we could just lie down on the floor a while. (Atlanta Journal Constitution)
Let's take a break. Hey, let's call our dads and sing The Unicorn Song with them!
Fox News really is turning its viewers into a death cult. — Amanda Marcotte at Salon
Joe Biden says it's time for Andrew Cuomo to Guomo. — NBC News
West Virginia, which seceded from Virginia to stay in the Union, wants to make sure the Confederacy it fought against stays honored forever. White people, boy, I don't know. (Charleston Gazette-Mail)
Speaking of white people boy I don't know, the Mercers and Peter Thiel have a new Great White Hope for the great state of Ohio, and it's the Hillbilly Elegy fuckhead who somehow tricked a bunch of nice libs into thinking he cared about anything beyond sanitizing the "alt-right." Truthout could be way more bitchier about it, if you ask Wonkette!
Do inmates have a right to see the sun? Jesus Christ. (Courthouse News)
ProPublica's got another head-banger-on-the-floorer, this one about impaired judges as told through this stomach-lurching miscarriage of justice from a woman who worked for justice her whole life until she got extremely early onset Alzheimer's. (ProPublica)
This dude's already suing Hertz for not turning over the car rental receipt that would show he didn't commit that murder until five years had passed; can't wait for the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act to let him sue the cops who allegedly paid another guy $1500 to finger him. — Techdirt
Well maybe this will help! President Joe Biden supports the talking filibuster, and you know he could do it too, God love him. (ABC News)
The Director of National Intelligence has a new report out about 2020 election threats. I have not read it! I guess it's got something to do with Rudy Giuliani and Putin and how Trump's last DNI guy is a baldfaced liar. (DNI)
Sheldon Whitehouse says the Kavanaugh investigation was a sham, wants the FBI to redo it. Seems unlikely! (The story also says Christopher Wray is the former director of the FBI, so they should fix that OR they've got hella sources who know things the rest of us don't.) — Salon
Greg Olear's closing argument in the case of Kavanaugh, Crooked Corrupt Bastard Who Is Crooked and Corrupt. (Greg Olear)
The delegate from Guam took some National Guard troops with him when he went to take cookies to Margarine Taylor Greene, and Kevin McCarthy is NOT HAVING IT. Shut the fuck up Kevin McCarthy. — Politico
Utah hopes if it automatically blocks porn from all new tablets and phones sold in the state, it won't be number one in the country in porn all the time every time. (AP)
You like that First Amendment story? You want some more? Liz has some First Amendment for you, and it is The My Pillow Guy and Alan Dershowitz fell in love and made a misshapen goblin baby, and it is this thing. — Liz at Above the Law
North Dakota lady a dick. — Inforum
British columnist lady a dick. (Guardian)
A bipartisan group of congressionals wants to extend the IRS filing deadline this year because of "so many new tax laws," which seems really fair. — Letter
50 genius living room seating ideas? That is too many genius living room seating ideas, unless all of them are "sex swing." I like 25 and 27 and that's IT. Have you lost me already, Elle Decor?
LOL, "we all gotta die of something, why not make your own steak tartare." (Food and Wine)
Mama's not drinking this month because it was too many from November 4 through, well, end of February, but here is Drunken Sailor, which is YOU.
SOBER UP PUNKS! Or don't, I am not the boss of you yes I am.
Have a better day than these tabs would suggest. We love you!
Too many news! It's TABS!
Dare you to try to figure out what Peter Doocy's talking about. Does he think Biden shut down all the schools? Does he think Biden can tell them to open or shut, either way? Does he WANT to take away the schools' "local control"? Is he mad that they're open, or mad that they're closed? You don't know, and neither does he.
Jen Psaki wasn't having Peter Doocy's strange line of questioning about school reopenings and migrants at the border https://t.co/jlOmj4QsIJ— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar)1615403885.0
The women who run Biden's legislative outreach are apparently full of leprechaun magic and rainbows. (But could massage the progressives better.) (Daily Beast)
Red states do well under the Big Bill, because they're poor and Joe Biden and congressional Dems aren't petty dicks. — Reuters
Eric Boehlert would like to take this opportunity to read the media covering for the Republican obstruction of the coronavirus relief bill FOR FILTH. (PressRun)
Oh Mississippi Republican Senator Roger Wicker, you scamp.
Independent restaurant operators have won $28.6 billion worth of targeted relief. This funding will ensure small b… https://t.co/WDPDBPf0cn— Senator Roger Wicker (@Senator Roger Wicker)1615413600.0
Extreme Nikki Finke voice: CALLED IT.
Meanwhile, on the day that every House Republican voted against helping out people making up to $80,000 a year with a $1400 check and some child care money, Senate Republicans moved again to repeal the estate tax. Priorities, people! (Some rightwing claptrap from some supposed farmers organization)
Know who's seriously never hit by the estate tax? Farmers. (CNN in 2017)
Gavin Newsom had a state of the state address. It seems nice! I hope they don't recall him, I remember the last one, when California Republicans teamed up with Enron to mug the state then recalled Gray Davis for getting mugged. — Politico
Hawaii is in trouble.
We are in a climate crisis: Hawaii is under a state of emergency after prolonged heavy rainfall led to ‘catastrophi… https://t.co/oTlokWszqC— NowThis (@NowThis)1615420980.0
So is New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo, whose (anonymous) aide says he groped all up in her breasts, like not "oh he touched my waist," like actual in the shirt sex assaults. (Times Union)
CNN and Washington Post are jumping on Fox's LOOK OVER THERE of WHAT IS JOE BIDEN'S NO PRESS CONFERENCES HIDING. Crooks and Liars begs to differ.
Jonah Peretti of Buzzfeed bought HuffPost. Jonah Peretti of Buzzfeed laid off dozens of journalists at HuffPost. — Defector
Thanks, I hate it: You can pay money to "control" the Youtubefluencers by voting on whether the Youtubefluencers play catch or dodgeball (I don't know, it's fucking dumb) but also all the Youtubefluencers are creating their own internal block chain currencies and economies. Whatever it means, it's terrible. — New York Times
Beth Moore — not a pastor, because lady, but rather a person who holds "Bible study" for many thousands of people at a time — is leaving the Southern Baptists for loving big ol' sexual assaulter Donald Trump. It's a big evangelical deal. (Religion News)
Cops were looking for a dangerous guy, who was hiding out in an unrelated person's home. (She had seen the news reports that he'd kidnapped a teenage girl, and when he knocked on the door, she let him in, left, and called the cops. The man let the girl go but wouldn't come out.) And then ...
Prior to the SWAT showdown, [homeowner Vicki] Baker's daughter, Deanna Cook, gave officers a key to the home, as well as a garage door opener and the back gate code. Agents took a different route. They smashed six windows. Instead of using the code, they maneuvered a BearCat armored vehicle through her fencing. Instead of using the clicker, they detonated explosives to blow off the garage entryway. And instead of using the key, they drove right on through her front door.
Well that sounds like a very fun, exciting day for the SWAT explosives squad! Of course, insurance wouldn't cover it because the government did it, and the town of McKinney, Texas, told Baker, who has breast cancer by the way and is trying to retire with her husband to Montana, to fuck right off. — Reason / lawsuit
Blast from the past! When a federal court told homeowners to fuck off, and the Supreme Court declined to hear the case, after their half-million-dollar home was actually destroyed by police chasing ... a shoplifter. The appeals court said the Constitution's takings clause doesn't apply to policework, something something Lou. (Reason)
Is seven meetings with the Manhattan DA a lot? Because that's how many Trump fixer Michael Cohen has been having. — Reuters
New Trump Georgia ballot RICO phone call recording, what fun the law will have! (WSBTV)
Funky airstreams and tiny cabins: Where to go glamping this spring! That's almost now! (Thrillist)
Hmmm, most of those were chains AND super expensive, I have disappointed me. Let's look at the world's 25 most beautiful gardens instead! — Veranda
Well as beautiful as those gardens surely are, the art selection sure didn't show it! DAMMIT TABS. Okay, Elle Decor it is. A 300 year old farmhouse home you say? FUCK YEH ELLE DECOR.
Good thing I live there now, in my Italian countryside farmhouse, where in one of the three (indoor) kitchens I make this polenta and rosemary and figs and mascarpone pound cake. (Food and Wine)
Who is Wonkette's hero? It's YOU! Be a hero today.
Oh wait that sounds good actually, can I have that? It's tabs!
I mean, it is good that Joe Manchin voted for the Big Bill! But I think his sticking point — angry that the first $10,000 of unemployment benefits would be tax free, so as not to bite the people in the direst current straits — is very strange, particularly for a man whose main complaint before then was that the aid wasn't "targeted" closely enough to only those who really needed it. Inside the back and forth the days before the vote. (CNN)
Economist nerd stuff about the Big Bill! We just got near-universal welfare in through the back door, supposedly progressive bitchers. — Noahpinion
Hi Rosa DeLauro hiiiii!
I joined @yasminv to discuss how the #AmericanRescuePlan takes a tremendous step forward to defeat the virus & help… https://t.co/Jq8mi8pxVb— Rosa DeLauro (@Rosa DeLauro) 1615157632.0
Big Bill, very big deal. (HuffPost)
We the Living People-of-the-state-of-Iowa (and not the PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF IOWA, the corporate entity which we hold forfeit in perpetuity), as living souls in our Sovereign Capacity as people of preamble to the 1787 Constitution for the United States of America, do hereby declare that we're tired of trying to mimic this SovCit arglebargle, but we're right and you're wrong anyway, SHEEPLE. (THUMBPRINT) (Bill!)
Fox News's cancel culture desperation. — Parker Molloy at Media Matters
This City Council candidate accusing another one of stolen race valor, because how can you be both Black AND Latina like pick one, is very oh no. (Brooklyn Paper)
The Choctaw Nation, among others, is still denying tribal membership to its descendants who are also descendants of Freedmen, and they'd thank the federal government to stay out of their business. It's very, you know, states rights. :/ (High Country News)
This is why I don't watch pop documentaries; they can leave anything out, and you don't know what you don't know. Netflix's Hotel Cecil murder doc is a crime story in search of a crime. — New York mag
For instance! If you've never read it, learn how the Tiger King wasn't actually an antihero victim, he was instead a loathsome piece of shit! Longread! — Texas Monthly
This looks very cool: a new TCM series that shows crazy-problematic classics and discusses them, which is the same as canceling them probably, nothing makes sense anymore. (AP)
The Colombian immigrant who cleaned houses to pay for her studies and then oh just DIRECTED THE ARM FOR THE ROVER. (My best friend and college roommate Suparna the Rocket Scientist was a project manager on THE CLAW, no I don't know if they're the same thing. OH! Here is my favorite Suparna story! We got dressed up and went to a party at a Simpsons producer's apartment, and a woman said very condescendingly, as we joined the conversation, "oh, we were talking about politics, but we'll stop." And Suparna said to me later, so happily, "We look so beautiful that they think we're dumb!") — CBS News
Get ready for a whole bunch of tabs from my new favorite website, Elle Decor? Elle Decor. Floral arrangements inspired by fabrics! OOOOH AHHHHHH! (Elle Decor)
It's the last free Department of Salad for a while, so if you need salad in your life, do subscribe like me! Anyway, THAI SALADS! OF LOVE! — Department of Salad
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