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Recipe Hub

It's Buttercup Squash Pie For Thanksgiving, Because SHUT UP, PUMPKINS

Pumpkins aren't the only pieworthy squash, you know.

Just last week, you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. And she said, "Oh, you're so thoughtful; something for dessert would be great!" So demanding! Do not fret. Today we share with you (for you to share with your friends on social media) a Buttercup Squash Pie recipe, so you can say, "As you wish."

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Recipe Hub

Make Thanksgiving 'Monkey Bread' With Nancy Reagan, FOREVER!

Good lord, Wonkette, you're still running this recipe?

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere.

Whatever the hell "monkey bread" might be -- something racist, we assume -- it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to "cook," at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.

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Recipe Hub

This Thanksgiving's Hottest Recipe Is Mamie Eisenhower's Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink!

The recipe she used to win the entire Cold War!

[Editor's note: We are running all your favorite Thanksgiving recipes today! Enjoy this one from 2009, from former Wonkette writer "Juli Wiener," but actually it is from Mamie Eisenhower and it is not actually called Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink. That is something former Wonkette owner "Ken Layne" called it, for a joke.]

Here is your bit of "DC gossip" for the day: a Jell-o dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower's famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there below with "friend" Lenora Hickock, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious.

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Recipe Hub

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business

We hereby challenge Susan Stamberg to a cage match. Of cranberry recipes.

[Editor's note: We make this every damn year now, except for the years when we have dinner where "other people" have "cranberry traditions" for "Thanksgiving." It is the best way to eat the obligatory cranberry business.]

No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor's famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o'd aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn't, so stop whining about everything, for once.

This dish takes exactly three minutes to prepare, and another 10 or 15 minutes in the oven, and you don't even have to think about it. Pre-heat the oven, prepare the cranberries, "slide in the pyrex," as they say, and just turn the oven off, go outside, enjoy a marijuana cigarette, make snow angels in the trash pile outside the neighboring foreclosure, relax.

There are many recipes you can find "on the Internet" for fresh cranberry sauce, but you don't need to do that anymore. Just send this one to your xBox or iPad or whatever and be DONE, done with the search for the ideal cranberry relish recipe.

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Recipe Hub

You Want Rolls For Thanksgiving, We've Got What You Knead (GET IT?)

You probably don't get it.

People from all walks of life love yeast rolls, probably even abnormal people with borderline personality disorders. Pets love them, too. If you're not careful, dogs will help themselves into a state of drunkenness by enjoying batches of raw dough.

Yeast rolls take several hours to prepare, but the payout is a couple dozen bites of joy. As they bake, your home will smell good enough to sell. Satisfying, boosts the value of real estate -- these rolls are an excellent investment of your time.

Yeast rolls are great with butter, jam, butter and jam, or combine all three to make a yeast roll slider.

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Recipe Hub

Y'all Are Eatin' Collard Greens Up In Here; Or, Vegetables Are Better With Bacon

Forget 'green bean casserole.' Or eat that too, we don't care.

Collard Greens are an ancient food first cultivated in Greece at least two thousand years ago. It is a mildly bitter, leafy plant widely recognized as an accompaniment to meals served in Africa, Brazil and the Southern US. Collard greens have endured the test of time in many nations because they're delicious. Your Recipe Hub is well versed in the down-home, howdy ya'all version of collard greens and prepared some for you today.

People in southern states and soul food aficionados will read this recipe for two reasons. First, they can't imagine I would have the nerve to make meemaw's signature dish and will be eager to fix my wagon and hush my mouth. Second, they love collards and enjoy reading about them (between meals served with collards). I can never hold a candle to your grandmother, clearly, but it's OK if I do this because my parents are southern. Plus, your Wonkette comrade, elviouslyqueer, has been lighting up Twitter with stories about collard greens. [At least he was when this post was first published, in a different year! - Ed.] You made me hungry, sir. I regret nothing.

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Recipe Hub

Put Thanksgiving In Your Mouth With Grown-Up Baked Mac And Cheese, For Grown-Ups

Yes, mac and cheese is for Thanksgiving.

[Note from Evan: I make this every year, with few modifications besides whatever I do on the fly because I am feeling frisky. It takes some time, but oh damn it is worth it.]

Baking macaroni and cheese on a Monday night was a miserable experience. I had to boil water, tear the hell out of cheese, make a sauce, and then bake this whole deal before I had a chance to take off my bra. When I finally had time to sit down and browse through Faceborg, about ten million flame wars were happening in the two groups I even care about. Oh, and guess what else? No elbow macaroni on hand! I had to use the nice casarecce pasta I was saving for company.

Casarecce looks like ziti on Adderall and it picks up a ton of gooey sauce. It is amazing. Yet here it is on Wonkette in a mac and cheese. [Note from Evan: If you can't find casarecce, just use penne. It's fine.]

Listen to me, this was delicious. For the entire five minutes I had to eat my dinner, I didn't have a crap to give. I served our mac and cheese with thyme-stewed Roma tomatoes canned over the summer (BY MYSELF), though you will most likely pop open a can of something and eat it with a parfait spoon. Only God knows what you do, and it's not my business.

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popular

I AM BEEKEEPER NOW! By Shypixel

gimme some o' that sweet sweet honey

Hey kids! What did you do this summer? This is the look I get when I'm not really listening, and just waiting for my turn to talk again. So, that is super cool, guess what I did! Yup, that's right, I became a beekeeper! Did you want to hear all about my bees, and their activities, their travails, and the super sweet and sticky goo they poop out? (Bee Fact #1 - Bees do not "poop" out honey, they puke it out of a special stomach called, uncreatively, a honey stomach.) You do, gre... what? Yes, actually, I am going to keep doing that, I don't fucking care if you don't like my Bee Facts. This is Wonkette, I can swear, and I don't have to care about what you think. Now, where was I, oh yeah, ...You do? Great! Let me tell you all about it, in exhaustive detail, replete with photographs and videos! Ladies and Gentlemen, and also you regular Wonkette readers, I give you...

The shyHive

Home on the Prairie

This is it. It ain't much to look at, just a couple of brood frames sitting up on an old Craftsman table saw stand. It lives in the far corner of our acre here at Wonkette World HQ. It sits up on a stand because we get skunks in our yard, and it has a rock on it because we sometimes get high speed winds off of Flathead Lake. But my bees seem to like it. It is their first permanent home.

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Culture

What Are You Bringing To The 4th Of July Democrat Civil War Potluck?

YOU GOTTA BRING A DISH.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal and Donald Trump is a monumentally stupid flagon full of assorted hippopotamus testicles and that is why we, all the Democrats, are doing CIVIL WAR today!

What, you did not get your invite to CIVIL WAR? It is discussed right here in this journalism broadcast from Alex Jones. (Don't click on that.)

Anyway, the point is that there is a CIVIL WAR on, but everybody celebrates CIVIL WAR in different ways. We personally are going to start drinking beer very early and somebody is making a Boston Butt on the Big Green Egg and there will be a lot of swimming today. If we are asked nicely, we might make macaroni and cheese or something, but #NoGuarantees. (Click here for a really good macaroni and cheese recipe.)

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News

Alex Jones Being SUPER-FUCKIN'-CREEPY About The Red Hen

Unfortunately, the story of Sarah Huckabee Sanders's terrible horrible no good very bad dinner is unfolding in the usual way.

Our latest necessary national conversation on civility is going as expected. Liberals are being SO MEAN to Trump fascists, not even letting them eat their gourmet cheeses and drink their Bud Ices in peace, which is just as uncouth as when Trump people abuse children at the border and right-wing extremists murder abortion doctors. And of course, Donald Trump is escalating his attacks, both on 79-year-old black congresswoman and grandmother Maxine Waters (for the crime of encouraging civil disobedience) and the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia (for the crime of being completely normal human beings who don't want to be in the same room as Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and for comping her cheese plate as they nicely asked her to take a hike).

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Science

Introducing Tovala: The 'Keurig For Food' And Oven For Idiots

The Tovala Smart Oven will help you brilliantly save time and waste even more money.

Woman with a scientific miracle and a random small child.

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News

Imagine A Vegan Restaurant Where Ranch Dressing Costs Extra But The Buttholes Are Free

You may say I'm a dreamer ... but no, literally none of us wants this.

Factcheck this happened in Memphis.

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Russia

Rudy Giuliani Has Thing To Say, And It Is A Noun, A Verb, And 'KOREAN PERJURY TRAPS!'

This is the last time we are writing about Rudy Giuliani this week, WE SWEAR.

HE'S BEEN IN A KOREAN PERJURY TRAP BEFORE! IT GAVE HIM A SPLINTER!

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Mommyblogging

Y'all Getting Rowdy In Here?

Care for a drink?

Looks like time to hit the liquor store

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News

Mitt Romney Like Hot Dog Best. Hamburger Second Best But Hot Dog Best.

Not steak though. Steak just OK but not as good as second best hamburger or very best hot dog.

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Everywhere Else News

Sorry, Puerto Rico, That FEMA Thought This One Lady Could Make You 30 Million Hot Meals

How could FEMA give Chef Jose Andres a $30 million contract to feed Puerto Rico when it was busy giving $156 million to this lady who couldn't?

You kind of have to hand it to Tiffany Brown, an entrepreneur, "mogul," designer, wellness specialist, doctor-of-something (her LinkedIn doesn't say!) out of Atlanta. She's got hustle! Maybe not enough hustle to follow through on her promised 30 million hot meals ready to eat for Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. And maybe not enough hustle to follow through on at least five other contracts that have been canceled by various branches of the government over the past few years. But she knows her way around the system! Although maybe not the system of "delivering stuff you promised." As of now, her business lifestyle website, tiffanycbrown.com, is down, most certainly unable to handle the large traffic delivered by curious readers of the New York Times. But while it was up, it had posts about cookie dough you can eat raw, and how to best define your natural curls.

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