Wonkette's Top Ten Stories Of The Week Are The Friendly Mammals Of The Sea

Wonkette's Top Ten Stories Of The Week Are The Friendly Mammals Of The Sea

Cleo the Cat, courtesy of Wonkette Operative John, who says "she needs to be seen to bolster her self esteem"

Good morning!

Hey! Do you know what I definitely do not want to do this weekend, or ever? Swim with dolphins. At one point in my life, I would tell people this and they would look at me like I was an axe murderer, because everyone was supposed to want to swim with dolphins — so much so that I ended up writing a whole thing about people freaking the fuck out at me over said non-desire to swim with dolphins that I used to read at a lot of storytelling events back when I did that kind of thing.

But people are much better about it now. It seems that more and more people have come forward about not wanting to swim with dolphins (particularly, you know, because of how they are rapists with prehensile penises) and it's not as much of a thing anymore. So people get less mad at me about that than the fact that I do not believe in ghosts (people are so touchy about their freaking ghosts), which is probably some kind of victory.

ANYWAY, you're probably wondering why the fuck I am talking about dolphins. Well, it is because I got you a present. A horrible, horrible present. It is some kind of 1980s new age guided meditation about ... swimming with dolphins. It is called "Dolphin Dreamtime" which actually sounds like a terrible idea, because if you were to fall asleep during a dolphin encounter, you would drown. And then they'd probably drag you down to their dolphin rape caves with their prehensile penises and you would be scarred for life or dead.


Taranath Andre / Glenda Lum - Dolphin Dreamtime [198?] www.youtube.com

And here are your top ten stories of the week.

10. GOP Rep. Jeff Fortenberry Resigns Over Multiple Felonies, Just Like Mother Teresa

9. Pity Trump's Too Shy To Tell You All About His (Alleged) Hole-In-One

8. Lara Logan, Sh*tcanned By Fox News, Emerges From Cocoon As Full-Fledged Antisemitic Loon

7. Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Trinidad Sour!

6. Two-Thirds Of Americans Want KBJ Confirmed. Guess Those GOP Attacks Worked Just Great!

5. Oprah Is Not Responsible For Dr. Oz's Politics, But She Is Responsible For His Nonsense

4. Is It Good When A Judge Says A Lawyer And His Client The President Did Crimes? Asking For John Eastman.

3. Glenn Greenwald Pretty Sure Putin Winning So Much He's Gonna Get Sick Of Winning

2. Everybody Like 'OMG Madison Cawthorn, Stop Talking About The Very Real GOP Sex Orgies We Invite You To!'

1. GOP Senate Candidate Excited To Murder All Us 'Godless Communists'

Just as an FYI, you may open thread in here to your heart's content!

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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