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Wonkette's Teen Korner For Teenz: 'It's The Thought That Counts' Edition

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Well, my dearest Wonketeers, Yr. Teen Kolumnist promised y'all that he would compose more literature on the art of volunteering, and by george, he's got it! (albeit a bit late, shut up, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU DON'T KNOW MY STRUGGLE) However, having talked about the whole broad damn thinglast week, there is little left to do but write about motives. And, no, they do not include encouraging homelessness through handing out sandwiches and toiletries.


The main reason teenz get into volunteering is because we are greedy little sumsbitch who only care about ourselves, and getting into a good college, which if you didn't get the classic musical theatre reference earlier, you probably should have tried to do yourself. The ONE relevant piece of advice that teachers will give to you, besides shooting for high GPA and SAT scores, is to volunteer. No, finishing your freshman year of college ONLY by doing AP courses won't help you, according to my communist socialist pinko professor of a mother, who is also Jewish, so she is basically the embodiment of universities.

Volunteering is also helpful on a jerb resume. It shows that you are thoughtful, considerate, and responsible, especially the type of volunteering you do. My personal brand of volunteering involves teaching English to refugees, which, should I follow in the footsteps of EVERY FUCKING PERSON in my family and become an English teacher, would be very useful. As is, it shows patience, communication skills, and an aptitude for difficult tasks, at least according to a couple potential employers I talked to. Unfortunately, the whole "no driver's license" thing outweighed that. Epic sadface -- at least until I got a better job anyway, haha, screw you and your 30-minute commute.

However, what really differentiates people is not why they get into volunteering, but if and why they stay. Some people stay because they have to, i.e their parents are making them. We don't associate with these people. We don't LIKE these people. Some stay because what they are doing is fun, and that is OK. They will most likely continue to give all kinds of effort, because they are enjoying their job. Then there are those that stay because they feel that it is a worthy cause. These are not, in fact, JUST hippies, so shove that judgmental tongue back into your face and listen. These people constitute many volunteers who have found something they love. They got lucky, in other words. I personally fit into the second and third categories, cuz teaching is both fun and good. It is incredibly powerful to see someone understand new concepts within weeks of beginning to learn the language, and refugees are a very rewarding group of people to work with. Out of all the people I have ever tried to teach things, they are by far the most willing and ready to learn. [Editorial Reply: I actually DO know how to use the remote, thank you. -- Dok Z]

The gist of what I am trying to say here is that teenz do not get into volunteering out of the good of their Christian souls: they do it for greed. If any teenz tell you that they got into it ONLY because it was a good thing, they are a liar and a cheat. There is something in it for them. It's what they do WITH the volunteering that counts, and sets them apart from the rest. Because the instant someone says "I did it because I like shelving books," shun them. SHUN THEM!

Kid Zoom is a high school student in the wilds of Idaho. He is the self-appointed computer tutor of Doktor Zoom. We pay him in "experience."

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