Wonkette's Teen Korner For Teenz: Yolo Swag Twenty-Three Skidoo Edition
Sup, biatches? Imma be talking to you bout some dank slang, cuz yolo. LOL, do you see what I did there? I spoke to you using the slang! There are all kinds of slangy terms that you can use to make teenz squirm, and because I am an age traitor, I am going to teach you how to use them. For sometimes I hate my people, and want to watch them wriggle in cross-generational agony.
Let’s start with the most obvious of all, the hated “SWAG.” Anyone that uses this word to describe anything about themselves should be humiliated publically. I encourage you to avoid anyone who says it. Snapbacks and brotanks are warning signs of these creatures, which inhabit McDonalds and Lil Wayne concerts. Avoid stirring them up, as they will flood your Twitter feed and Facebook Timeline with poorly worded insults, and will be a general nuisance.
Swag itself can be used in multiple ways. It can be used to describe clothing or jewelry, similar to the archaic “bling.” It can also be used as a term of status. Having swag is something that certain people aspire to, and never achieve. It can also be used as an expression. “I just benched 125 lbs. Swag.” (No I am not kidding there are people who talk like this.) The etymology of the word swag is very interesting. No matter how much people say that it is “ancient Australian for stolen goods,” it comes from the word swagger. So basically, it has gone from meaning “the way that assholes walk” to “the way that assholes dress/act/speak.”
Next comes a word used by those who seek to diminish their brain-cell count at every opportunity: "YOLO." It stands for “you only live once,” and is used as an excuse to act stoopid whenever you want to. Jack Black nailed it:
It is so incredibly idiotic that it insults itself. It is literally too dumb to mock. So I shan’t. Swag!
Next comes yet another word birthed by stoners: dank. I have no idea how this word formed, but much like a babby, it is commonly associated with poor English and the internet. Its use is most commonly perpetrated by middle class white teenz to describe weed (420 blaze it faget). It has become something used ironically by teenz on the internet, often to describe a picture or meme (pronounced may-may). Dank has never, and will never be, taken seriously
Finally, a word that should never have been A Thing: Ratchet. It basically means trashy, but it is so much worse. An example (Copied off a friend’s Facebook newsfeed, unfortunately): “OMG I Hate [Redacted] Dat Gurl So Ratchet She Such A Ho.” Some say that ratchet is actually a mispronunciation of wretched, but they also say that the Stig is mortally afraid of ducks, so we can’t really trust them. It is generally used by white people trying to sound black, white people making fun of black women, and mostly by suburban white kids who listen to rap. The internet says it started with rappers in Shreveport, Louisiana, and who am I to question the internet?
Slang has never made sense. It is just something that is used, and in around 80 years or so, will be re-used ironically by smart-asses who watched old movies. However rad or groovy it may be, it will pass eventually (heh, rhyming, lol). I just look forward to saying "yolo" in 20 years and watching teenz writhe in embarrassment.
Kid Zoom is a high school student in the wilds of Idaho. He is Doktor Zoom's sarky malchick. We think it's high time he learned some Nadsat.