November 03, 2006 11:13 PM
Wonkette's Week in Review: Evangelicals Not Unlike John Waters, After All
- It's November. But hey, remember October?
- Bob Ney resigned from the House. You're getting sleeeeepy.
- Hey, bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch. You ain't nothing but a bitch, brother, my nigger.
- This week in Katherine Harris is #1: She's writing a book called I Have Parkinson's about her struggle against adversity. She doesn't have as much money as Bill Nelson because in three months her campaign spent $948.05 at Starbucks. She's got to have pink sugar, which, in case you are wondering, is cocaine for girls. She's probably going to prison. Hopefully, Ann Coulter will be her cellmate and they can brush each other's hair and do the giggle wiggle.
- Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff was given this year's Henry Petersen award for awesome lifetime DOJ service. Henry Peterson's grandson calls Chertoff an ass, then pukes.
- John Kerry, you tall thing, you. When Al Gore lost an election you know what he did? Grew a beard and got fat. Back away from the microphone, John. We made you a cheesecake. Let's eat some cheesecake and laugh together at what you've done.
- American Pope and salty dog Ted Haggard is fudgepacking meth-head. His hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold boyfriend, Mike Jones, outed him and claims to have voicemail proof. Unlike Charlie Crist, Haggard learned something from his self-loathing gay brothers and confessed right away. Mostly.
- Michelle Malkin is in bed with Iran, looks fantastic in a bikini. You go, girl.
- We became a newspaper to accommodate our growing fame. Not only do those people hate us, but we're getting sued (R.S. call us). At least we're still a must read for the Marines. This week we introduced a rad new feature called Last Week's Shots: The Best of LNS. Weekend LNS vocabulary lesson: Pearl Harbor. "The victim of the pearl harbor wakes up to find that the initiator has conducted a sexual sneak attack and is already midway through intercourse. It's called the pearl harbor due to the sneakiness and surprise of the act and also due to the bombing effect it can have on the life of the initiator (law suits, jail time, etc.)."
- Week in Review Sampler Platter: Saddam Hussein will be sentenced on Sunday during 13 football games. In this intern's opinion, here is the funniest post of the week. Google thinks the 911 Commission Report is political fiction. The Air Force wants $50 billion emergency dollars to bring bodies home from Iraq. George Allen spit on Nancy Pelosi. Hold up. George Allen spit on his wife, and San Francisco spit on Nancy Pelosi. Dick Cheney promised pizza and beer and invited his friends to a massive evidence shredding party.