Wonkette's Weekly Top 10 Says: EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL!

Weekly Top Ten
I am sorry life is terrible for almost everyone right now. I am sorry we are living through this. (Better than not living through this? Presumably!) I am sorry most of you are having a goddamn heatwave, while some of us are having heatwaves right inside our bodies. Others of you are having a derecho, and we're all having some good old fashioned fascism. I am sorry we are all going fucknuts and yelling and bitching and sniping and screaming and dying. I am sorry. And I love you and I also forgive you. Let's have some goddamn stories, as chosen this week by a vagendae of manopause.

10. Covidiot Smash Mouth Guy Still Ain't The Sharpest Tool In The Shed. True story: I saw Smash Mouth play the VIP private party opening of a Dave & Buster's at the height of their Smash Mouthness. Also true story: I like that song!

9. Trump's Pre-Existing-Conditions Shuffle Is Gonna Fool A Whole Lot Of People. Haha, he invented Obamacare. *Shoots self in head.*

8. Let's Meet Jo Jorgensen, The Libertarian Presidential Candidate Who Got Bit By A Bat! That would be very upsetting.

7. Trump Idiots Demand Kamala Harris Release Her Long-Form Black Certificate. This was invented by writers at the LA Weekly when Obama was running; that if you weren't descended from American slaves, you weren't actually Black. Because cab drivers and police officers are always very careful to differentiate when they're not picking you up or are pulling you over.

6. Well Of Course They Had To Un-Suspend Georgia Student, Or She'd Still Be On CNN! That school closed for good yet?

5. Kamala Harris Is Your New Vice President, Now Let's Go Win This Motherf*cker. This was a happy. Although the guy in charge of cats at the shelter yestertoday explained to me that Joe Biden is going to lose lots of votes now because Democrats don't like Kamala Harris. Why yes, I do live in Montana, why do you ask? (Also as much as I would love to take credit for saintly cat adopting, the truth is we live in the country and our lazy fucking dogs won't kill the mice.)

4. Florida Gov Ron DeSantis Orders All Schoolkids Back Into The Water. This was crazymaking. Also, it's like when they say the title of the movie in the movie, so: DRINK!

3. Let's Keep This 'Jesus Doesn't Like Obamacare Because Poor Folks Are Lazy' Guy Out Of US Senate. I hope someone used the line "Jesus is coming. Look busy!" I don't know because this post was on one of my very many days off.

2. Steven Mnuchin Delighted To Learn About 'WIC' Program For Poors, Isn't That Just Marvelous. So marvelous indeed.

1. KKK-Loving Alabama State Rep Arrested For Allegedly Forgetting Thou Shalt Not Steal. Weird, pastors are usually so noted for their adherence to all the amendments, oh well.

And there you have it, Wonkette's weekly Top 10 as chosen this week by a vagendae of manopause.

You probably already moneyed us if you are able, so: You may have babies.

Donna departed from the tradition of her entire maternal line, and brushed her hair.

And some girls did some things.

It's horrendously sad, tragic really. Their butts are glued to their chairs.



Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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