IDEA: What If Mitch McConnell Shut His Surly Sh*t-Mouth Instead?

Dunno just spitballing here.

Mitch McConnell would like to talk about decorum, please. In related news, Mitch McConnell needs to go fuck himself.

During a very important appearance on the Lara Trump Internet TV Program For People Who Married Eric Trump On Purpose, McConnell was very displeased at President Barack Obama for daring to open his mouth and criticize Dear Leader Shitmouth Cheez Whiz Face Jones about his shit coronavirus response and his shit attorney general Bill Barr letting Michael Flynn lie to the FBI for free. You see, Obama's comments violated McConnell's sense of decorum, that's right, his sense of decorum. Well guess what, Moscow Mitch, why don't you cram a tiny teaspoonful of shit up inside your turtle shell so you can eat it with your tiny turtle mouth?

Oh golly, Wonkette seems to have lost its well-known decorum for a moment there!

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Can Trump Really ADJOURN CONGRESS? Hahahahaha, F*ck Off

Donald Trump's 'Week Of Dictatoring Bigstupidly' continues.

Boy howdy, Donald The Great Glorious Dictator is just havin' hisself A WEEK!

A few days back we laughed and laughed at Trump puffing out his chest and declaring he has "absolute" authority over when the governors of US America reopen their states. He decidedly does not. A day or two later, we laughed and laughed again when Trump made some sort of ego-tripping move that seemed to be intended to sort of walk the "absolute authority" thing back, but he ended up saying he has "authorized" governors to use their best judgment do whatever they need to do to protect their own states from the novel coronavirus. Dipshit was just standing there granting hall passes and everybody was like "Yeah, LOL, OK, um ... thanks? Anyway fuck off."

And now Donald Trump says he is going to ADJOURN CONGRESS.

Like so many of Trump's dictatorial ramblings, it happened during Trump's daily corona-lingus presser, which on Wednesday was not about coronavirus, as far as we could tell. (STOP RUNNING THEM, NETWORKS.) Yesterday, it was mostly him bitching about judges and other nominees that have been held up in Congress, because of how Congress is staying the fuck at home like everybody else.

And that is when he came up with his very legal and very cool idea for adjourning Congress, so he can recess appoint all the very important unconfirmed nominees on Mitch McConnell's desk. They are very important nominees, you guys. Sure, they're mostly child judges, and Trump didn't even try to explain why it's so important to confirm them during corona, but SURE WHATEVER. (The Washington Post notes that for most of the other vacant jobs in the government, they're empty because Trump hasn't bothered to pick anybody to fill them. For instance, the secretary of Homeland Security, which you'd think might be important in a pandemic. And we all know how he loves "acting" officials, because it's easier to boss them without oversight.)

Maybe the child judges have promised to manufacture coronavirus tests or something. It's probably that.

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Conspiracy Theories

Wonksplainer: 5G Conspiracy Theories And What The Hell Is Going On With Them

Is COVID-19 just an excuse for Bill Gates to mind control us? Probably not!

One side effect of the COVID-19 pandemic has been an exacerbation of practically every conspiracy theory in existence. People who believe in QAnon, Lizard People, New World Order bullshit, aliens, anti-vaxx crap, etc., have all imagineered ways in which the pandemic is a part of whatever their pet theory is. Even some people who may not have bought into these things previously are starting to look to them to explain what's going on, because they do, frankly, provide far more satisfying answers than reality does. This whole thing is less scary, on some level, if it's just a cover-up for something else, if people aren't actually dying, if they aren't actually risking their lives every time they go to the grocery store.

In recent weeks, previously minor conspiracies about 5G technology have gained a major foothold, leading to people in the UK actually going around setting fire to 5G cell towers. The theories are now spreading about as fast as the coronavirus itself, so we thought it would be prudent to do an explainer on what people actually believe and where it's all coming from.

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$500 Billion Corporate Slush Fund Stalls Pandemic Aid Bill. McConnell Blames Greedy Democrats

Shame on their partisan opposition to this partisan giveaway.

A procedural vote on the Republicans' $2 trillion economic stimulus bill failed in the Senate last night after Mitch McConnell brought up the measure even though he knew he didn't have the votes to pass it. The vote to expedite legislation fell far short of the 60 votes it needed, with a 47-to-47-vote tie. Complicating matters for Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was the fact that five Republican senators are now in quarantine and unable to show up to vote. Rand Paul's trip to the Senate swimming pool yesterday may mean the virus could spread.

Republicans and Democrats agree on many of the broad goals in the bill, like support for small businesses, money to shore up hospitals and state unemployment systems, and checks that would be sent to all Americans to help them get through the economic downturn the coronavirus pandemic has caused.

But one huge part of the proposal, a $500 billion fund that could be distributed to states and corporations at the Treasury Department's discretion, lacks safeguards against bad corporate behavior — like taking the money and then laying off most of their workforce. Democrats weren't about to support that, and wanted to add at least some of Elizabeth Warren's proposed limits on how the bailout money could be used. Instead, McConnell forced last night's vote, and scheduled a second vote today even though negotiations are still ongoing.

So here's why a coronavirus relief bill is stalled: 1) Republicans proposed a no-strings giveaway to corporations that want the Trump administration to make sweet money love to them. 2) Democrats said fuck no to that. 3) Nonetheless, Democrats said they wanted to keep working toward a bill, by adding in better protections for labor and taxpayers. 4) Knowing he didn't have 60 votes to move the bill forward, Mitch McConnell brought it to a vote anyway, so that it would fail and he could blame Democrats. 5) McConnell professed to be shocked, shocked to learn someone was playing politics with the pandemic.

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