World's Lamest Gangsta Easily Distracted by French Cheese, Wine
It's a scene we all know so well in DC, if we're kind of rich: Everyone's finishing their grilled steaks on the patio behind the pleasant Capitol Hill rowhouse and having another glass of $75 Bordeaux and then a hooded hoodlum slips into the backyard and presses the barrel of his gun against a 14-year-old girl's head.
"Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," the thug said.
And then, brave and/or crazy dinner guest Cristina "Cha Cha" Rowan invited the gunman to, instead, try the Château Malescot-St.-Exupéry.
"Damn, that's good wine," said the 20-something street tough who was previously partial to Côtes du Rhône. Then he helped himself to the after-dinner Camembert, and the next day he went to work for the brokerage firm and made the family millions in orange-juice futures.
No, wait, actually the now-docile thug cloyingly asked for a "group hug," and everybody sort of held their breath and hugged the filthy street criminal.
He staggered out as happy as a new-age idiot sipping Chardonnay, but in reality he was just staggering through an alley on Capitol Hill, still glugging the Bordeaux from the nice glass -- which he left behind the house.
"There was this degree of disbelief and terror at the same time," the 14-year-old's father told the Washington Post. "Then it miraculously just changed. His whole emotional tone turned -- like, we're one big happy family now. I thought: Was it the wine? Was it the cheese?"
Certainly fine wine and cheese can mellow a tense person's mood, but the fact that a crack high with its insane paranoia/aggression fades so incredibly quickly probably also has a little to do with it.
And the Washington Post got all the way through this story without mentioning the guy's race! Hooray for the end of racism and inequality!
A gate-crasher's change of heart [Washington Post]